Confused about where relationship stands

I apologize that this is so long, but I would really appreciate you taking the time to read it. I started questioning my sexuality in March, and the more I thought about it, the more I became certain that I wasn't straight. About a month later, my best friend of four years came out to me as bi. I hadn't planned to tell anyone, so this worked out wonderfully and we both loved having someone to talk to. Even today we are only out to each other. We started spending way more time together than we usually did, and we would just talk for hours and hours. I think it is important to note that we both still have some uncertainty, but on the Kinsey scale I am about a 5, and she is about a 1.

Then I started to get feelings for her, and I sensed that she was too; hugs held for longer than normal, a certain look exchanged, things hinted at without really being said. This went on for a couple of weeks before one day we were sitting alone together, and we exchanged a look and I just felt like we were thinking the same thing. She asked me if I was thinking what she was, and we eventually both got it out that we had feelings for each other and that even though we only had a summer together left (before college) that we wanted to go for it. We were both terrified but so happy. I was mostly afraid because I didn't know how to transition from being friends to being in a relationship. I can't speak for her, but I think she was mainly afraid that if our relationship failed that our friendship wouldn't survive.

After this we didn't see each other for three days, and when we got together again it was really awkward. I don't know about her, but I was worrying about if and how we were any different from before. I texted her that night saying sorry that it was so awkward, but that I thought we should keep trying and that we should talk about it. She agreed that we should talk. So the next day we did talk and she said she was having a hard time changing the way she thought of me, and that she'd like to let the whole thing go. I've never disagreed more, but I didn't know what I could really do except agree, so I did. I honestly didn't realize how emotionally invested I had been in her until I felt so heartbroken afterwards.

So we didn't talk about it after that, but we were still much closer than ever before. We had a really fun summer together, and even though I still had feelings for her, it wasn't awkward or anything. We had several sleepovers over the summer, but it was the one just a few days before we left for college that was interesting. At this point I had pretty much accepted that we were just going to be friends, and that I would just need to wait for my feelings to go away. But that night we were sleeping in the same bed (as we had done many times before) and when the lights were out and we had stopped talking, she got really close to me. She held my hand to her face for a while, and then eventually rearranged herself so that we were spooning. We laid there for a while snuggling and holding hands, and a couple times she would ask really quietly if I was still awake. So I (not unreasonably?) took this to mean that there were still feelings there. I knew that if I didn't kiss her I would always wonder, so I asked her if I could do something. It was totally dark so I couldn't see what I was doing, and it was the first kiss for both of us so it was a little bit awkward. Our hair got in the way too so we were both laughing. It wasn't a bad kiss, but there were definitely no sparks or anything like that.

Afterwards we went back to snuggling and I asked where all this was coming from, mentioning that I didn't think you would sleep this way with just a friend. She replied something along the lines of "I suppose you wouldn't... (thought she didn’t sound certain about this) I've thought about it this summer, but I just don't know about the long distance." And that was about it. Now here's where I may have made false assumptions. It seems to me like you wouldn't snuggle with someone like that unless that was the way your friendship had always been or if you had feelings for them. I personally can't imagine anyone but her that I would do that with, but perhaps that was just her way of saying goodbye to really good friend?

We talked about it the next morning. To lighten the mood I commented on how bad we were at kissing, and I could tell she was relieved that I hadn't felt anything amazing either. We decided that maybe that settled things. I don't know that I really believed this, but I felt like there was nothing I could say. We were two days from moving 2,000 miles apart, and it's just too hard to try and dtr when you're at such a transitional phase in life.

But I just feel like our relationship is so unresolved. I still have feelings for her despite the distance. We probably text once a week and talk on the phone for a good hour or two every other week, but we haven't mentioned "us" at all. Winter break is a few weeks away and I know we're going to spend a lot of time together no matter what. But I'm just feeling so uncertain about all of this. She's a person who very much lives in the moment, so I don't know that I can really understand how she might be feeling until we're together, and for that same reason I have major doubts that an LDR could ever work, especially for at least four years. I'm not sure if I should try to talk to her about it over winter break, or just try my hardest to get over her.

Any advice would be appreciated. Particularly what you make of the way she's acted, if you think there's a chance of a relationship ever happening, and if I should say/do anything over winter break.

 

Thanks for the advice! Anyone else have thoughts?