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Friends with benefits?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by EMF49, Nov 17, 2013.

  1. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    I have been "seeing" this guy for a little over two months now. He's gay but still very much in the closet and has told me that right now he's not really looking for a long-term or serious relationship. He said that what he's really looking for is a friend with benefits, so I agreed to do that with him because I do enjoy hanging out with him and the sex is good. (Sidenote: He also told me he has another guy who is a "friend with benefits"... although he says it might not last much longer because he doesn't really see him as that close of a friend)

    When we had the FWB talk, I asked him what his thoughts about me were, and he pretty much told me that even though he finds me attractive and loves hanging out with me, he doesn't really want a relationship and he mentioned he wants someone a little "closer to his age" anyway (even though he's only 3 years older than me)

    But anyway... Two nights after we had that chat, we went out to a gay bar which is where we usually go because it allows him to feel more comfortable, and the entire time we were there he kept wanting to kiss me, dance with me, hold my hand, etc. And when we went back to his place to hook up (which is how our nights usually end) he wanted me to actually spend the night. Which is something we've never done before - usually once we're done having sex we just go our separate ways and sleep at our own places. And not only did I spend the night at his place, but the next day he wanted to continue hanging out. We went to the mall and then the gym later that night.

    I just recently had the talk with him about being friends with benefits but now that he's been so much more affectionate towards me and wanting to spend more time with me, I don't really know what to think, because to me, that's not really how "friends with benefits" typically behave.

    Any thoughts or advice?
     
  2. TJ

    TJ
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    Aw that's cute. :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:

    Maybe he was just feeling that way a the day/two.
    But if it consistently gets more affectionate, talk to him. See what he says. That's the only way to figure out what he is thinking. :slight_smile:

    These FWB things often do turn into relationships, haha. I think the 'FWB' thing is just kinda an excuse to get close :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes:
    Cute <3
     
  3. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    He's told me multiple times he's not looking for a LTR. But when we are together we definitely seem to act more as a couple than friends with benefits. So that's why I'm just really confused because his actions and his words are totally contradicting each other.
     
  4. Filip

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    Well, the thing about friends with benefits is that there aren't any strict rules on how to behave.
    It's much like a regular friendship. Some people are just casually friendly with their friends and others act as if they're joined at the hip (I have two very undoubtedly straight friends who get mistaken for a gay couple all the time...). And FWB is exactly the same, except for the part where you also have sex.

    So... it could be that he's having second thoughts about getting romantic. But it could also be that for him, FWB can also mean "being boyfriends in everything but name, but with the option to walk away and not look back whenever it becomes even vaguely constraining or someone else comes along to experiment with"

    I think one of the main questions here is how YOU feel about this? Is keeping the arrangement like this, with added extra hanging out and sleepovers something that works for you? Can you do that and still be OK with the idea that at any point he (or you) could call it quits and walk away without so much as a second thought?
    If the answer to any of those is no, then it might be time to also put some limits on what exactly the "friendship" part of the FWB can involve.
     
  5. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    The thing is that he has told me that he loves having me as a friend and no matter what he doesn't want to lose that friendship. He also told me that there is another guy he is seeing on a fwb basis, but based on what he's told me, their friendship isn't as close as ours and he even said he was thinking of breaking it off with him soon.

    As far as how I feel about all this... I'm still unsure. I definitely like him but I don't know yet if I could see myself in a serious, exclusive relationship with him. At the same time though, I don't know if I like the idea of him seeing other people. I tend to be a jealous type though.

    I'm thinking of just waiting a while without saying anything more to him and see how things develop. I'm just scared of becoming more and more attracted to him and get let down by the fact he may not want a relationship with me.
     
  6. Skyline

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    I had a "friend with benefits" up until earlier this year. She said a lot of the same stuff; like she loves me, she cares for me deeply as a friend, but she didn't want a long term relationship with me. I respected her wish even though I felt like we were almost dating anyway--she even wanted me to stay the night once (although something came up and I didn't get the chance).

    Then she found a boyfriend. Our relationship changed to just friends. I felt like she broke up with me; I felt crushed. She said she liked me but not enough. After thinking about it for awhile, I think she did really like me, but there was something about me she knew she just couldn't live with. So she was just waiting for the right guy while having me for the comfort and compassion.

    It's possible your friend likes you, and needs that compassion from you right now, but he is reserving himself for someone even better even if he doesn't know who yet.

    Sorry if I put a damper on your mood--I'm just speaking from my own personal experience.
     
  7. EMF49

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    Thanks for sharing your story. I know everyone's experiences are different but I can't help but feel like the same thing might happen to me and I'm terrified.

    I don't want to lose him as a friend, but as long as we continue hooking up and being this affectionate towards each other I can't help but feel like I'm eventually going to develop strong feelings for him.

    Again I just get so confused because his actions don't match his words. Like for instance after we hung out all day (after I slept at his place) he texted me saying he had so much fun with me and ended it with a "goodnight handsome :wink:"

    To me that just doesn't seem like how a friend would act to another friend. But perhaps I'm just reading too much into it.
     
  8. kumawool

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    Ask to be in a relationship.

    If declined...(again),

    Run.
     
  9. biggayguy

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    It sounds like he wants to be very sure that you aren't going anywhere before he cuts the other FWB person off. OTOH it could be that he's just afraid of commitment. It sounds like possibly some emotional baggage he hasn't shared with you. I'd want to know what he is afraid of.
     
  10. EMF49

    EMF49 Guest

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    I feel like I'm going to need to have another talk with him. It's just strange because two days after we talked and decided on being fwb, and after he told me he wasn't looking for a serious relationship, he suddenly started acting way more touchy feely and way more affectionate towards me than he ever has before.

    And like for instance we are both on this dating app and he sent me a text the other night saying "guess who (name of the app) says is one of my top three matches! :slight_smile:"

    Like what kind of guy who only wants to be fwb would say that? Especially when I had told him during our talk that I WAS hoping to find a relationship with someone. Lol... He is so confusing :/
     
  11. dapulu

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    Why don't you remind him in a "joking around" and "laughing it off" way that both of you agreed on a FWB relationship??? For example: "Oh stop it dude!! You're making me fall for you hahaha" or something along those lines.

    I wouldn't be all serious after 2 days...maybe he thinks the way he's acting is a normal FWB relationships, who knows. Though, if it troubles you that much, just say it.

    Communication is the best solution in any kind of relationship I believe :slight_smile:

    Good luck! :stuck_out_tongue_closed_eyes: