About a year or so ago, I was in a relationship with a boy, and it was terrible. Every time I did something wrong or made him just a little bit angry, he would attempt suicide and then blame it on me the following day. He would also beat up people who did anything to me, and I was scared of who I talked to because I didn't want him to hurt anybody. Everything was my fault in his world, even though he "loved" me... Eventually, I broke up with him, after a lot of panic and emotional toll, and I only accepted that the relationship was abusive this year. I started dating a girl in May, and all throughout the summer. I was going to tell her "I love you" at some point, but every time I got the chance I panicked, thinking about how horrible it was the last time I said those words to someone. It was just a little thing, but it meant a lot to me. I didn't realize it, but it was making me distant towards her, and she broke up with me shortly after school had started. I couldn't even look at her without feeling my stomach turn into knots. Three weeks or so later, I get a text from her, saying that she missed me, and could see that she'd hurt me by how I'd ignored her in the halls. I was so shocked and upset that I cried. The next morning, I was finally able to reply, saying the phone wasn't the right place to talk about things. She agreed, but asked if small talk was allowed over the phone. I said yes, and that's what we did over the weekend. On that Monday, I was sitting outside, and my friend pushed her out the door to talk to me. It wasn't horribly awkward, despite the fact we hadn't really spoken in a while. We talked that whole week, and near the end of it she asked me to be her homecoming date. That night was absolutely amazing, even though neither of us had gone with a date to a school dance before. After the dance and a calm after party, my parents picked us up and drove her home, and she held my hand in the backseat. That meant so much to me. Since then, she's been giving signs that she does have feelings for me. She'll call me cute and such, walk me to my classes, and she even gave me her jacket to wear once, and I've never seen anybody else wear it. At a Halloween party she had her head on my shoulder, and even held my hand a few times. Even more recently, we went to an all-night lock-in at our school, specifically for kids in the music program. It was about 1AM, and we were sitting in the theater listening to a wind ensemble sight read stuff, with our friends sitting in the row behind us. At one point, I was turned around, and she told me to stay there. She got up from her seat, went to the one next to me, put her head on my shoulder and hugged me from behind, and I'm pretty sure she fell asleep like that. It was so cute. I really want to tell her how I feel, and I want us to be a couple officially again... but I'm just so scared. I don't know how she'll react, and I'm freaked out by so many things. I even had a nightmare once that she and one of my best friends (who is also bi) got together, and it freaked me out so badly, despite the fact said friend told me "she's not my type, that will never happen". Still, I just want things to be okay and I always fuss over what to say to her because I don't want to mess up... Is there anything I can do to stop being so freakin' paranoid? Or is anybody else going through something similar? Even if there is no direct answer for my problem, knowing that I'm not alone would be a huge relief.
