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Trouble fitting in at college

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Bradley97, Nov 21, 2013.

  1. Bradley97

    Regular Member

    Joined:
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    Location:
    Yorkshire
    Gender:
    Male
    Sexual Orientation:
    Gay
    Hi everyone, I've been using Empty Closets for years and only just registered because I would really appreciate your advice on a personal issue I am having. This may be a long one but any help is very much appreciated! It is also worth noting that I am a 16 year old in the UK so college in this context means sixth form - not university.

    From the age of 12 I have felt solely romantically and sexually attracted to young men which I did not see as a problem up until 15 where I began to question my identity further. After a year of closeted misery, I came out to my friends who responded neutrally and eventually my parents who have been a massive support ever since (I come from a very liberal family).

    I am now about two months through sixth form college and am facing a number of problems:
    • My need for a boyfriend
    • I find myself growing distant from my friends
    • I'm finding it difficult to integrate with others my age

    I have never been in a relationship, I crave love and intimacy with a male companion but there isn't a single 'out' person in college and there are certainly no LGBT support groups or other related groups in the local area. I try to keep myself busy with extra college work and my job but I remain unable to cope sometimes - I think part of me just needs to experience a relationship for the first time. Every night I cuddle my pillow and dream of having somebody special.

    I have been best friends with H for 10 years. We were both bullied and isolated from an early age and so have grown very close, established a friendship group of about 6 people which I used to be very happy with up until college. I guess you could say that Tom and our friends are 'nerds' in the sense that they like fantasy and Dungeons and Dragons. I on the other hand could be described as a 'typical guy' with a broad range of interests including sports, cars etc. Another thing about H, he is incredibly shy and cannot talk to most people. Despite being best friends for 10 years, I ALWAYS have to initiate conversation and his responses mainly consist of 'fine' or awkward silence. However, when I came out to him he offered his support and he has always been there for me.

    People often tell me that I am very mature for my age and because of this I find it difficult to integrate with other college students who are either immature or not nice people. I never spend any time with my friends any more and instead spend my free time studying which gives me more time to run my business (another thing to keep me busy!) but I need to make some more suitable friends - I'm starting to feel very lonely and having no 'out' students in college isn't helping the situation.

    So, I decided to take up cross country once a week at lunchtime where I run with G - a guy just like me in many ways that I am reasonably good friends with. He has never had a girlfriend and shows no interest in having one. He says that he is not interested in looks and the characteristics he wants was essentially describing me. However, my impression is that he is probably straight but I think it's worth a shot asking him.

    There is an LGBT youth group 40 miles from where I live which would require a train journey but my Dad has offered to cover the cost and supports me whatever I decide to do. I intend to go to this group in a week or two to meet some people who are out and potentially find somebody who would be suitable for a relationship.

    As I said previously, nobody in the college is out. Nobody. Some people have spoken out about mental illness which has been very emotional and raised an awful lot of awareness but I am unsure whether this would be of much benefit to me - I would be perfectly comfortable with people knowing but I don't see the need to tell everyone. I also see it as quite a dramatic method of coming out which is unnecessary. However, I can see how it might help me find a partner as it would make me much more accessible to those who are in the closet as well as helping other LGBT students come out and promoting a more accepting environment.

    There is no LGBT youth group in the local area so I was also considering starting one. This would require some work but I am confident that I would be able to achieve this, coming out through assembly would be a useful way to promote awareness of the group.

    So, in summary, here are my questions:
    • When, how and should I publicly come out?
    • What do you think about G?
    • How can I find more suitable friends and keep my bond with H?
    • Where else can I look for a boyfriend?
    • How should I go about promoting the LGBT group I am going to set up?

    It's also worth noting that nobody suspects that I am gay. It's not that I am "straight acting", I am comfortable with my sexuality but many of my characteristics would be stereotyped as "straight" by uninformed people. Thank you very much for your time, it really is appreciated and I am so happy to be a part of this fantastic community!
     
  2. stumble along

    Full Member

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    Location:
    SR388
    Hello!

    if you are comfortable and able to pull off starting a group I would say to go to the meeting that's 40 km away and ask them about basics for starting one, and come out to help get attention of the group. you should probably label it is a GSA type of meeting so closeted folks can also attend and not feel too gay too soon... if that makes sense

    I think you should try and hang out with G a little more outside where you usually see him, get to know him and such and if you still want to ask him out I'd say to come out, gauge his reaction, and either ask him out then or later.

    for more friends it usually helps to just do things you like doing, and have a positive and open attitude, they'll come around. As for H it would be okay if you just hang out with him only and separate yourself from the group completely if you really cant stand them.

    normally when your trying to find a boyfriend you will be like a shark among a reef. sure you're a fish, and there are other fish, but they're going to stay out of your way. you normally don't want to be actively looking for a boyfriend because of that reason, you don't normally get a lot of "hits" doing so. In my experience ive always met dating material when i was never actually looking for it. it also helps because you will be less inclined to act clingy (which if you really do snuggle with a pillow at night has a slight chance of happening (I do it too you're not alone!)) which is always a good thing.
    things like going to the group or joining lgbt particular groups or clubs usually helps, or going to gay bars and that stuff, again just go there with the intention of making friends and doing whatever it is youre doing, not "which one should i set my sites for"

    doing the standard flyers, letting local powers (your schools administration or a local paper or a social networking site) know about it to also spread the word, maybe holding an info meeting??