I'm aware that this is a bit long, but if you have a few minutes to spare please give a read and any help you can give is welcome. I guess i'd better start with a bit of back story.... I'm 16 years old and I live in a rural English town in Hertfordshire. It's reasonably conservative although still very open minded and accepting as a community, so being gay has not yet affected me negatively, but i'll get to that later. Unlike most gay people, i never felt like i was different when i was young and didn't have feelings for boys at a young age. However, in the last year of primary school (about 10 years old in Britain) i began to realise that i had no interest in girls, no feelings for other boys but that i just couldn't see the appeal that everyone else i knew could. This never really bothered me a i didn't really think much of it and naively presumed it would soon change as i entered secondary school. Oh how wrong i was.... From the very first year i felt that i was different than everyone, although no one was entering relationships yet they knew what was normal and all about relationships and sex and stuff... But i didn't see the appeal. This really concerned me because i had had these thoughts before and presumed they'd go away as i got older and as i went through puberty. I wouldn't get changed for swimming with the other boys, i'd have to find the farthest cubicle from the benches and make sure it was locked. Whilst they were laughing at each others cocks and saying how small they were, i was terrified and didn't understand why they were so comfortable with doing this and i wasn't. Around a year went by, same feelings of uncertainty although i was reasonably popular and had alot of friends, but i still felt very alone. No one was gay, atleast not openly, and when ever it was brought up in conversation it was spoken of very negatively and it really scared and worried me that this was the case. I hadn't come to the conclusion that i was but i had considered it.... This was the first time i began to get feelings for him. I'm not gonna sit here and tell you how amazing he is but iv'e not seen anyone else the same way i see him. Anyway this sorta lifestyle progressed whilst going through phases of trying to be the tough guy (kinda hard since I'm about 5' 2" and weak as a stick) to the cocky class clown. This wasn't bad i still had plenty of friends but i knew at heart i was getting really depressed and ended up having counselling but it didn't help. Anyway nothing really changed until around a year and a half ago. By this time i had come to the solid conclusion that i was gay and i was really beginning to get to me. One of the worst stages of my life and to combat this almost suicidal depression i would drink. My parents were what i would call recreational drinkers and always had a glass of wine or 2 after work so therefore always had a plentiful supply of strong wines. I would steal them from the rack and they wouldn't notice because there were so many. It got so bad that for a few weeks i was drinking half a bottle a night (i was only 14, i would be wasted before bed) and occasionally on bad school days with bad lessons ahead i would drink an extra 1/3 of a bottle before school. This soon came crashing down when my parents found a half drank bottle of wine under my bed whilst i was at school. I was banned from drinking and as a result i turned to drugs. Nothing serious but just spending my weekly pocket money on weed and cigarettes. Again i was foiled by my parents and my friends strong disapproval didn't help (well atleast at the time i felt i didn't, but in hindsight i was the best advice they could have given me.) By this point had grown a burning naive passion in my heart to first come out (as if it was easy) and the get together with this boy (again extremely naive.) Things began to settle again. My general happiness rose and my friends decided to take me back after my little Amy Winehouse moment. Then it happened... I had become good friends with a group of girls (in hindsight i may have been an attempt to achieve what actually ended up happening) and i could tell they thought i was different. Anyway in an art lesson after a long conversation about dating, my best friend in that group asked me whether i would ever date another guy (I think she was trying to pull it out of me a bit) but because one of my male friends was there i kinda shrugged and nodded but with little confidence. Then out of the blue one of the more outspoken girls asked out loud 'Are you gay?'. I didn't answer and the conversation died instantly. Later that day however i messaged her and told her yes. This was the first time in my entire life i had told anyone in the entire world this huge secret i had been harboring for almost 3 years. It was the greatest i had felt in years. Things progressed and i told more of my girl friends and they all took it well. So i then decided to tell one of my male friends, This was so hard for me since I'm not the most feminine and stereotypical gay so i had no idea how they'd react. It was the greatest relief in the world when all he said was 'that's fine with me...' I told more close friends in an effort in building up the courage to do the most terrifying thing iv'e ever had to do-tell my parents. After a solid month i had decided to do it, i wrote an eleven page letter to my mum. I gave it to her, sat down, and then she read it. I could see read each line and my heart jumped into my mouth as she read 'I'm gay'. She turned to me and said 'It doesn't make the tiniest bit of difference to me' I hugged her and then we both cried for 10 solid minutes. She then told my dad, and for the loving however occasionally prejudice man he is he took it quite well i could tell it wasn't the best thing he had ever heard, but he soon got over it and within 2 days things seemed back to normal. For about 2 months it was smooth sailing and i felt amazing. But i still didn't know what to do until it happened. I was outed.... For most this is a traumatic experience including massive shame and humiliation however, maybe I'm just the most fortunate human being alive but it was the greatest thing that has ever happened to me. It was met with respect and a surprisingly mature attitude for a bunch of 16 year old boys obsessed with hot women and sex. It meant i was free to say and do what i liked without being looked twice at, atleast that was the idea. But soon after i began to feel very dissatisfied, and...well...lonely. This is where this beautiful community and its infinite wisdom come in. Throughout this little rendition of my life i mention him. As i said iv'e had a so called crush on him pretty much since iv'e known him but only recently since he and countless others has known I'm gay has my burning lust for him gotten stronger. What I'm getting at is well... i really want to 'get to know him better' if you get me. I'm almost positive he's not gay because he's had girlfriends in the past, but iv'e heard rumours that he's bi, and he is quite feminine and kinda quick to use word like 'cute' and 'adorable' to describe other guys and recently especially me.... What i want to know whether you would advise asking him if he's bi or whether he would date a boy (which isn't unreasonable because he asked me if i was gay before i was outed plus we've been friends for ages) and then hope he would catch on that I'm asking him out... Any advice you have for me is very welcome, but i can't stress enough that just letting this crush be a crush and not act on it at all, because I'm a firm believer that sometimes the worse that can happen is the same as doing nothing at all. Thanks for your help.
The main obstacle to overcome is your idealization of "him" because that will cause you to fool yourself in thinking every little thing he does with you is a sign he likes you as more than a friend. Hope for the best, but assume the worst, especially since you already have indications he just might be straight. It may be too awkward too ask his sexuality directly. You mention that you're friends with him, but are you close? Have you spent time with him outside of school?
Well in your response to your question resu, i haven't spent much time out of school in the past, but in school we're reasonably close and have always been friends as long as iv'e known him. However i do agree with what your saying about idolizing him and one of my closest friends suggested the same as you that even small things i could have misinterpreted as him liking me. Although iv'e never assumed he likes me much, but things like whenever he sees me he will always run up and hug me, and little things like that have made me suspicious. I was never really asking 'do you think he likes me too' but more what do you think me next course of action should be? Thanks anyway for the reply
Ryan's number one rule, if you don't earn him as a friend, you don't deserve him as a boyfriend, almost doesn't apply here. You can always suggest some one-on-one time, and just get to know him a little better the old-fashioned way. Does he know you're gay? You could let him know that you appreciate how kind he is and the compliments he gives you. It's not something friends do very often, just thank each other for being positive forces in our lives. Ask him to spend time together outside of school, and don't go in with intentions or expectations. Burning lust doesn't make you a good friend, it takes you out of the moment and makes you miss the living, breathing person who is in fact, NEVER the ideal image we project onto them. You can always, mid hang-out, do the "I wonder when I'll have my first date with a guy?" and then follow-up with "wait, is THIS a date?" His ideal response would be, of course, "Do you want it to be?" I dunno, it happened to and worked well for me once.
First off he does know I'm gay and has done for a while, and he was super good with it because he has a few of gay friends as well as me (not to be stereotypical but) because he's a theater guy and does alot of productions in the local area. But i agree, I think that maybe spending some time with him might be a good idea, because as i said iv'e not really done this before, atleast not outside of school. Any suggestions on how and what i could ask him to do like go to costa?, invite him round to play video games? (we both love 'em) Anyway Thanks for the help.
From what you're saying, I'm getting the feeling that he's interested. But you should always be prepared for the worst just in case. Just do what feels comfortable Inviting him to your place is good, also going to see a movie, anything really Also, Penguin's idea of thanking him for his compliments / affectionate actions is a really good idea because it lets you bring it up and see his response. You could try subtly flirting with him or hugging back etc. Let us know how it goes
I'll give all these ideas a try over the week and get back to you all and tell you if anything has changed. Thanks for the advice.
When the time feels right, after you have become friends, you can simply, almost casually ask him if the dates guys (I've often found that saying such things as you're leaving a movie theatre, or even upon exiting an elevator, can catch him with his guard down a bit, especially if you just throw it off as if you were commenting on the weather). Phrasing it in that way (whether he dates guys) is as non-threatening as possible, it does not involve (at least directly) his sense of self, and he might even be flattered! Worth a try!
I love this suggestion! This is going to completely redefine my approach to the question for the rest of my life!
