Was wondering if anyone had any advice for a family situation. Sorry for this being long winded, I need to give some background info for anyone who isn't familar with why I might be so confused about this. I was getting ready for a date when I got call from my Mother, who hasn't called in years. To give you a little perspective, I have to explain that 5 years ago I was with them at Thanksgiving, when my Mother dropped the bomb on me that she had arranged a date for me the following evening, and that after we ate, we were going clothes shopping. I was 22 at the time, and been living with a same sex partner for 4 yrs while I was in College in the northern U.S. I hid my orientation because my parents are fundamentalist Christians in a small town in a very conservative part of the South. Being honest about your orientation as a teenager at that time was literally not safe, not even sure if it is now or not. Anyway, I was shocked that she would do this, and told her no, I didn't want her arranging dates for me. She basically said it was for my own good, that I "wasted" 4 years of my life at that college and still didn't find a steady boyfriend. This guy was from a wealthy family, had a good position with a major corporation, and would be a "good provider." I told her I didn't need a good provider, I had my own money. She told me I wouldn't be able to and shouldn't need to work full time and have children too, and I told her I didn't want children yet. She just rolled her eyes like she was dismissing me, something about how having children was God's gift to women, etc. I couldn't say I had something else to do, because I was supposed to be there until Sunday. I know now I shouldn't have done it, but something just snapped I guess, and told her I couldn't go out with him because I had found someone at College. She kept pressing me for details, pictures, etc. and why didn't I bring him with me to meet her? I said truthfully that she was in a training area getting ready to be deployed to Iraq. She laughed and said, "I thought you said she." I pulled out a picture of her, and she just looked confused, and said, "That looks like a woman." I said she was, and all hell broke loose. It was a real mess, with my Dad, brother, and sister all getting involved in one way or another. After she was done, she told me that I no longer her daughter, and that I was no longer welcome in "her" house. My straight brother was trying to help and asked would she kick him out too if he told her he was gay? She collapsed on the floor bawling, not realizing he was just trying to make a point. Although my Dad refused to kick me out, it ruined the rest of the Thanksgiving, and the following Christmas was even worse, for me at least. She shut the door in my face when I tried to bring in Christmas gifts, told my Dad she didn't expect me at a religous holiday when I no longer believed in God (I never said that ) The worst was when she saw talking to my little niece, snatched her up and told my sister I shouldn't be alone with her granddaughter while they were in the kitchen. So I basically let her win, and only go back occasionally to see my brother. According to him my Mother had the will altered so I'm no longer in it, but I don't care. I wasn't expecting anything anyway. I didn't even expect acceptance, but would've been glad for some compassion or civility. She tried to make Dad write me out too, but he wouldn't do it. I call my Dad's cell on his birthday, because he lets her answer the home phone and she either won't pick up, or asks me if I've repented. Although they're both opposed to me being in a same sex relationship, their reactions differ, and it's been putting a strain on their marriage. My Dad basically said he didn't accept my lifestyle, but he believed in hating the sin but loving the sinner. She told him at Thanksgiving that was claptrap, and that he was responsible for me being a lesbian, because he didn't beat me enough when I was younger. He replied that I was a good girl, and didn't do anything to get whipped over. She asked me how I was doing, and I just said okay, how are you doing? I was very confused, wondering if this was really her. She said she was doing okay but hadn't seen or heard from me in a while. (Duh) I then asked her if Dad was okay, and she said yes, he just missed me too. I said the reason I hadn't been in contact with her was because she said I was no longer her daughter. She said that she never said that exactly, and I said yes, you did. She then said that she was very upset that day, and we both said a lot of things that we didn't mean. I don't her I never said anything mean to her, and meant everything I said. I then added, "except for saying I'm sorry, which I did a lot. I don't mean that, I'm not sorry for not having kids and loving someone you don't approve of." I was so angry I wanted to hang up, but I didn't. She sounded like she was starting to cry, so I asked her to put Dad on. She gave the phone to Dad. He explained that, since starting some new medication, and the other kids going to their in laws thanksgiving, no one was coming over this year. She wanted him to call me, but he told her "You're the one responsible for her not coming down here anymore, YOU call her." I told him I already committed to spending Thanksgiving somewhere else. ( My BF's family, whom I've never met yet) He asked about the weekend, and I told him a didn't have time to drive down, and couldn't afford to fly down. He said he'd pay for the tickets, for both me and my partner. I told him it was a little late for that, because she passed away 2 yrs ago. He asked why I didn't tell him. Actually I think I did once, but he must not have paying attention. I told him it didn't make a difference, because I'm still essentially the same person. I was a lesbian before I met my former partner, and still have same sex feelings now. I didn't add that I happen to be dating a guy at the moment, but that has nothing to do with it. I didn't suddenly just change to hetro just because of one guy in my late twenties. And I still don't want kids at this point in my life. My boyfriend knows I still identify as a lesbian, even though I'm faithful to him, and is okay with it. If the relationship ends I might go back to seeking a same sex partner, I don't know. My parents however are a different story, they wouldn't understand. I told them this wasn't much notice, and he said if I couldn't come down next weekend, (which would mean 1 less weekend with by boyfriend) could I come down at Christmas? I told him I'd have to think about it and get back with them. My dilemma is I just don't know what to do, about going down there, telling them I have a boyfriend, leaving him behind or asking him along. I don't know if I can forgive the past or not right now, or what might happen if I go down there. This whole thing has really ruined the mood I was in over getting to be with my boyfriend tonight, and it's not his fault at all. Does anyone have any suggestions or comments?
Well, while I disagree with his beliefs, I have to hand it to your Dad, 'cause he seems pissed that your mum forced you out. Shame he's not more in favour of gay rights but still, it's better than nothing. If you DO go down, I don't know, if it were me, I wouldn't mention the BF just because it's the first human contact since and I wouldn't want her to think she was right. In fact there are a host of things I would think to do that I don't recommend before I let her get that thought in her head. Being realistic, if you go down, you're probably not getting an apology. At least, not for the things she said, perhaps a guilt apology because she forced you out, but I doubt you'll be getting one for the things she said. On the other hand, you'll get to see your Dad who if nothing else you have at least tried to stay in contact with and appears to still love you regardless, even if he doesn't agree. If it were me, I would want to go just to see my dad. I wouldn't want to risk the argument, but if it DIDN'T happen and everything was fine, then great, maybe they've come around and if it DOES blow up at least I know I cut them off for a reason. But I don't know how any of that sits with you.
I'm sorry that that happened to you, and I wish you all the best with everything and sorry your partner passed away. I can't give much advice because being in your position I too would be very hesitant about going back, though the ethical high ground would be to try and reconnect with family for your dad's sake, though his reasoning is flawed. Whatever you do sounds like a good decision either way you put it so really it's down to whichever one you choose
I don't think he's in favor of gay rights at all, except maybe the right to exist. I never expected total acceptance anyway, just civility, and he's at least civil to me. He doesn't make an effort to contact me, but then he doesn't make an effort with any of us. He's busy with his business a lot, leaves that to my Mother. No, I agree with you. When my BF got here, he knew something was wrong, so I told him. Although he's willing to go with me if I want him to, he didn't recommend it either, for the same reason you said. He also said he might have a problem not telling her off if she starts off on some anti gay tangent. He asked me what kind of medicine my Mom was on, and I forgot to ask. Maybe I can ask my Dad if I go down. It sits with me okay, I do want to see my Dad. My BF said the fact that no one else would be there would be a good thing, in case she goes in insane mode again. That's what always worried me in the past, her saying or doing something in front of the rest of the family, including my nieces and nephews. That's really the thing that bothered me the most. Not what she said to me, but how it all came out at a family gathering. My sister said I ruined Thanksgiving for everybody. She said that I should've just kept my mouth shut and either gone out with him once and got a free meal out of it, or told Mom after Thanksgiving was over. Looking back, telling her after it was over would've definitely been better, but I hadn't thought it out beforehand, and didn't know she was going to go insane about it. One good thing also would be I could also rent a car when I get there and drive over to see my brother and sister's family. Although we talk on the phone or skype, I miss seeing my brother in person. I've also got some new nieces and nephews that I haven't met yet.
