My short-term optimism is gone.

As the title says, my optimism is gone. About a month and a half ago I was so sick of being miserably in love with a friend of mine I cut him out of my life. We use to be best friends, but don't see each other any more. He had said a lot of things to make me think he was gay, I fell very hard for him. Our friendship faded because we weren't in school together anymore, and I never said anything to him about it. I came out to him, but his reaction was very dismissive even though I indicated I was very upset about things in my life. I'm sure most rational people would have understand that I had feelings for him, but he didn't address anything and things went on.

Anyway, I finally said I need to block him from life so I blocked him on Facebook (he would share things on my wall a lot) and various social media apps. I don't know if he noticed, he never said anything (some "best friend" huh). A week after doing this I met someone on a dating site, and we never really connected or I never really felt much. I went with it for a monthish until we both agreed that we didn't really have a solid friendship to pursue a relationship. During this time, I didn't think about my old friend much cause I had a temporary distraction. I even made a post how I thought I was doing better.

Now that me and the online guy have agreed to be just friends, that distraction is gone and I'm just back to being depressed and missing my old friend. I keep trying to stop idealizing him, telling myself it is never gonna happen, he doesn't even care about you. I keep trying to say, he isn't in your life anymore, it's over, you won't ever have the relationship you want let alone the relationship that we had. I miss him so much and now I completely avoid any chance were I might run into him. Any sort of mutual gathering where there is a slight chance he might be there I avoid, having to turn down hanging out with our mutual friends. I care about him alot, and in the past every time I tried to reach out to him in any way the pain was just too much cause I never got the reaction I wanted. I have spoken to him only twice and seen him three times in the past year. The fact that we have such little contact now just makes me miserable. I'm trying to stick to the addage of time + distance but I just have the same feelings. I have gone incredibly far out of my comfort zone to try and meet new people, but everything pales in comparison.

I just want my feelings to go away, I can't take it anymore.

sigh /rant.

 

I think I am just for now going to try to make new friends. I don't know if I could ever really like someone I met online, I think I just have a mental block about it. I guess I got to get ready for a long haul of making friends, coming out (terrifying) and then who knows. But thanks for your advice, as always.

Yes it was very hard, but I couldn't sit around hoping everyday he would contact me in some way. It was too painful. I just finally gave in to the "time and distance" formula.