it seems my life is just getting more complicated . 4 months ago i was still in the denial zone about my sexuality , and now i'm out to everyone . I was raised by my bio mum and a step father .Any way my whole family threw me out after i came out .. I'm trying to put my life together , I've got a job , a place to stay and i'm completing my study (3 semesters left ) To get to the point , last time i saw my bio dad when i was 3 years old , i can't remember anything about him , i only knew him from pictures and some stories my mum and older brother used to tell me . This morning HE called me , he asked me few questions ( it seems like he wasn't sure about the # he dialed) after that he said that he's my dad , he kept talking about how much he's sorry for leaving us and other stuffs . I didn't say a word so he asked me to call him back when i'm ready . I don't know from where he found my # or if he called my bro or sis , but it doesn't matter . Any way i've no idea what to do , should i call him back or just ignore him . I've totally lost my faith in something that is called FAMILY , and i'm really not ready to have another homophobic dad in my life ( I'm just assuming ) . I don't hate him , i never did . I'm just very angry that he didn't ask about us for many years , so why now ?! . Deep inside i want to call him , but i feel it's the best for us not to contact at all .
Hey Rayan, I am not in your situation, but I did have an absent father from the age of about 3 or 4 after the divorce. My father moved away to another country, we knew where he was, but he made no serious effort to keep in touch as far as I was concerned. So although I'm not in your situation, I do know how you feel. There is anger, disappointment and also a certain feeling that this person will always be a stranger; that no matter what he does, he will never redeem himself with me, because it's too late. Ever since he left, I've never had the "father feeling" from him. We did contact each other, but very rarely, and I spent time with him for a couple of weeks in 1976, and then again briefly in 1999 when he came to Montreal to visit me after the birth of my daughter. In February of 2011, he died, and I flew there for the funeral. Why now, indeed! Your father must know something about what happened and about you. I would say, call him and find out why he called. Try to understand why he decided not to keep in touch (which may have been due to your mother - they will often block contact or make things difficult for divorced fathers). I could never forgive my father for abandoning us, my childhood after he left had not been ideal and my eventual stepfather mistreated me. I would recommend that you not make this mistake; I understand now that forgiveness would have been for me and not for him. I understood finally just how weak my father was, and unwilling to confront my mother. I didn't cry until the final moment when he was buried...you are alone and away from family, which is a terrible thing...It may be worth something to see where this goes with your father, while reserving the right to reject him at the slightest hint of homophobia. I wish you all the best!
I'm sorry for your lost . Thank you for replying It seems you had a missed up childhood with that stepfather :/ . I thought about giving HIM a call but i couldn't , maybe tomorrow . I just want answers for the questions I've been asking myself ever since i was a child . Thinking about him just makes me so angry and disappointed , all of these times that i wished him beside me . My stepfather was really great with me , but there are sometimes i wondered why my real dad left us like that . My mum never mentioned anything about him other than few things in general . She said that when they got divorced , he used to visit us every weekend but then he left to NY without saying goodbye ( we used to live in Canada back then ). But he never called , and i don't think my mum would have hide that if he did.
I've had an extremely rocky relationship with my dad, to say the least. He literally walked out of my wedding because he was "doing enough". We've gone years and years without talking. What I would recommend is that you keep the lines of communications open, provisionally. How about having a quick lunch once every few weeks? Make sure you set up exit strategies. "Hi Dad, it's great to talk to you. I've only got a few minutes because I'm heading out in a little bit." Then, if things start going south, you can easily pull back and say "Hey, I need to get going. I'll talk to you later." Don't expect perfection (there isn't such a thing). But make sure you know what behaviors you'll put up with and which ones you won't. There's a great book called Boundaries by Townsend and Cloud. I'd highly recommend it.
oh , that was harsh . Having lunch or even to meet would be difficult . He still lives in the states ( i figured it out from his num# ) . But even if he was near by , or even when i go to the states , i don't know if i'd meet him . But as you both said i'll call him and talk and we will see where this will lead us .
Yes I think just sleep on it. No need to make a quick decision. But keep communication going with him.. You never know ... there is potential for this to be a rewarding relationship I am impressed by your fast work over the last 4 months. You must have been on a bumpy ride... but sounds better now I hope?
A bumpy ride , AHHHH tell me about it . It's really the craziest year of my life , my whole life was like a rewind tape and suddenly the tape was changed . I'm doing great now , despite the relationships i've lost . Anyway i'm damn PROUD of myself . I don't know about the rewarding relationship but as you said , who knows ! .
Tell him right away that you are gay. Say, "I really want a relationship with you, I've always wanted you in my life, but there's something I need right out in the open right away, and that's that I'm gay. If that's not okay, let's not talk again and leave it at that. Then if it's not okay, just continue with your life as it is. I'm very proud of you , by the way.
I called him this morning and i didn't tell him anything about me being gay , i don't know if i purposely forgot to tell him , or i just didn't want to tell him right away !!!
So we talked for about an hour , i was completely shocked about everything he told me . He said that my mum was the who disappeared suddenly .He left on harry to NY due to family issues , and when he came back we were gone . And he said other stuffs that made me think and ask who the hell is telling the truth ?! . Any way we talked about different things , but i didn't feel comfortable about telling him that i'm gay . Don't get me wrong , i'm very proud and comfortable about who i am , but it just wasn't the right time . I really want to know more about him . ---------- Post added 25th Nov 2013 at 09:02 AM ---------- I guess we will be , at least for now
Wow - how fascinating. It will be so interesting if you find out more about your parents. I think not telling him about being gay is just fine for now. Maybe that's in your second or third conversation. You do lead an interesting life !! At 120 miles and hour !! :eek: Just think how you have changed - since 6 months ago - when you were to be married. Respect to you !!!
Sounds like it's going good. but yeah, who is telling the truth? How can you know for sure, you know?
LOL , believe me my life is really getting so interesting this year . The only problem is that i feel it's affecting my study some how And believe it or not , the marriage thing was about 6 weeks or 2 month ago :eek: I'll definitely tell him , it's not like i'm going back to the closet :eusa_doh: but as you said , i'll try to make a bond before ---------- Post added 26th Nov 2013 at 12:08 AM ---------- I hope so and as you said , who knows ( esp that i'm no longer contacting my family ) .. It seems he didn't contact any of the others . He keeps asking about the others and i told him they are fine but i'm in a different country to complete my study . I wonder though why he didn't ask about their numbers or emails , i might ask him later .
