I've been out for a year... I've had a whirwind of relationships

Ok. I'm going to start off by apologizing at how long this post is probably going to be. See, I'm feeling kind of down and out tonight and this site always makes me feel better.

I guess I should start with the fact that I have been out of the closet now for slightly more than a year now. I can't say that I'm out to everyone. I am out to enough people, however. The problem that I seem to have is that I have this extreme need to be in a relationship. I know that it isn't healthy. I know that this stems slightly to my problems I have with my self esteem. All I really know, though is that when I was a closeted man... I could be single and ok with myself. As a gay man... if I am not dating someone, I feel inferior.

Let me give you a quick run down of my relationships...

#1 - My first real relationship with a guy. We dated for 2 months last year this time. We met on an online dating site and hit it off pretty well. We got along well as friends, went on a date, and I ended the night making out with him on the couch at his place. I can safely say it was the most fantastic night I had had in my life until then. It confirmed to me that I really was gay... and that if I was in a relationship, I'd have someone else who would be equally ok with me being gay as I was.
We saw each other a lot for 2 weeks. He was my first in so many ways... but I was so googly eyed about the prospect of dating a guy, that I didn't seem to realize that we didn't have much in common other than being gay. Things slowly began to fizzle out, though I didn't seem to notice. When he broke up with me, shortly before Christmas... I was devastated.
I don't mean devastated, actually. I was heartbroken. I remember I had to drive the 40 minutes back from his house and crying the whole way (and I don't get emotional often) and I collapsed in bed. I didn't get up for about a day. Christmas was practically ruined for me in my head... but I pulled through. I felt so inferior and confused at that stage. I didn't see it as fair. I had feelings for him, but his didn't last for me. I whined on here about it. I hated life. I didn't realize how petty I was, I guess. Instead of taking time to recover, though, I found myself... on Christmas eve, mind you... talking to a new guy on the same dating site.

#2 This didn't last long. He lived 50 mins away and he was too lazy to consider driving to my place occasionally. We shared one kiss after a few dates and then he stopped talking to me. I got a single text later that said he didn't feel a spark. I panicked. Instead of looking at things logically, I once again pounded my fists into the table and whined on here that life wasn't fair. WE both should have feelings for each other. I thought he NEEDED to like me. Yes, I know this is silly in retrospect, but true, nonetheless.

#3 A guy strung me along for over a month after a date. He kept saying he wanted to go on another date and that he liked me, but never could find time. It made me so nervous. I abandoned a social life, hoping he'd schedule a date. I probably looked crazy to the world, but I hid it pretty well from him. I finally realized that he would never get around to date #2 and that he was probably just still talking to me to be nice. So I moved on.

#4 and #5 were one daters. We had dinner, shook hands at the end, and moved on. I didn't feel a connection to either. They didn't me either. That should have been ok, right? That's why you date... It's like an interview... The problem is that I felt that I was never going to "get the job"

#6 A month and a half in the Spring.... He was my first love, though I haven't admitted it anywhere but here. We hit it off so well. He found me online, we would talk for hours at night... He lived 2 hours away for college, but we saw each other every weekend. We had Skype dinners together during the week. He brought out this fantastic side in me that I have never had anyone else bring out before or since. Then... one day, while at his place and...ummm...cuddling together, he simply stood up and said he had a study session to get to for the following week's exams. He was going to move out of his dorm and back home, cause spring quarter was coming to an end. His home was about 20 mins from my place. We had all sorts of plans made for the summer, since we'd be close to each other for a change. I was thrilled about this.
Anyways, he sent me from his place that evening, saying that during exam week he wouldn't be able to talk as much, due to studying (and he was in an intensive program). I gave him space during that week, we sent a few short texts back and forth, but I itched for that Friday when exams would be over and we could see each other again. BUT he never returned my calls or texts from that point onward. He wasn't out to his parents, so I had never been to his house he had just moved to and didn't know where it was... he moved out of the dorm I had been going to. He just vanished from my life.
I was mortified. My heart felt broken... he had run away from me... I began sending probably 4 or 5 texts to him a day, asking about him, his day... to talk... He never responded. It seems stupid in retrospect, but the amount I began texting him might have pushed things over the edge. I don't know if I thought I could force him to talk to me or what... None of it was mean. Probably just really pathetic sounding... In the end, he never did break up with me. He just vanished. I was unfriended from him on facebook... then blocked, for no reason. It was as if we never existed as a couple. Tp this day... that still hurts... No closure. He just abandoned me.

#7 A mutual friend got me together with my first love I admitted to other people. I dated Matt for 3 1/2 months. We did everything together...practically lived together. I don't know if I was entirely over #6 when I began dating Matt, but I will admit that I fell for him. He was my soul mate and we only dated for a few months. (That sounds crazy... You are going to thing I fall for people too easily. Perhaps this is true. I know it to be the truth though.) Matt had some emotional problems however. He had tried committing suicide a year before I met him. He struggled with family and religion. He was a bit of a project, I'll admit, but I was working on getting him help.
Then... he abandoned me as well. Cut off contact with me saying we needed a week break. THEN, against the reasoning of our friends, he broke up with me. He gave no reason. He simply said it wouldn't work out. He gave the whole "I really want to be friends" speech and then I was off to the parking lot of the restaurant. I was in such a daze, a car almost hit me...right there in the parking lot. It made it worse when Matt didn't try to stay friends and he began in a spiral of depression that led to another suicide attempt and 2 one night stands on his part. He refuses to talk to me since. He walks away if I am with our friends. He hides if we are near each other. I MUST BE A MONSTER

#8 I still am trying to get over Matt. Right now, I mean... typing this. #8 turned into a one night stand... simple and straight forward. Both #8 and I both were in a situation where we needed it, and so we had an epic date night, with dinner and a show... and a one night stand. We both were very bashful afterwards. That's not my sort of thing. I hated myself for it. I can't imagine doing it again. I am attracted to the person AS WELL as the body. Just having the one isn't the same.

#9 Went on another failed one night nothing date this weekend. Ended with a handshake and I know nothing else will come of it.

So there you have it. 9 dates in a year! That seems a bit much, doesn't it? Of those nine, there were 2 relationships where I was in love with the guy, and 3 where my heart was broken. There is a common denominator there though... me... I was broken up with each time. I wasn't the one to do the breaking up.

I must be ugly or boring or something.... I'm turning these guys away. I want to be in a relationship so badly that I end up screwing with my heart in the process. I'm not giving myself time to recover. I just feel this need to be in a relationship... that I'm not whole if I'm not in one.

I know I don't need a relationship... But I keep doing this to myself. I'm paranoid with each relationship that I'm in now that it is going to end suddenly and with no reason. That I'm going to get dragged along. It's happened a few times now...

I just don't know what to do now. Is there some sort of pattern that I should be seeing in what has happened to me? Am I a complete loser? I sure feel like it. I feel desperate. More than anything else, I like the feeling of dating a guy I really like. Without it... I feel empty. And that is driving me insane.

Any advice or suggestions would be welcome. (Please don't be too harsh... Thanks)

 

Haha That is really funny! lol Sad that we are in this situation... but funny. :-(