In love with my "straight" roommate =\

I know that there are a lot of similar threads. I've read through a lot of them and there is definitely a lot of good advice there but I am hoping to put my situation down into words and get some feedback. I know it is long, as these posts tend to be, but I will really appreciate it if any of you are willing to take the time and give me your thoughts.

I am 22, my roommate is 21. I am bi and out only to him and he has told some people that he's experimented but is still staunchly "straight" if the subject comes up.

My roommate and I have known each other for years. He got into some trouble in high school for fighting and got locked up and I went away for college. I transferred back home around the time that he got out, and I became a kind of mentor to him, helped him get into the flow of college and all that. Well over the last 3 years or so we've gotten really close and I developed a bit of a crush on him. I always thought it would never be anything, he had a girlfriend, was the QB of the football team and always kind of seemed like a badass. I didn't think there was any chance that he could like guys, let alone me, so we went along being friends and that was fine.

Then about 6 months ago he got in a big fight with his long term girlfriend. She cheated on him and he found out and got extremely angry with her. She broke up with him.
He then got really depressed. He hooked up with a couple of girls but told me he didn't feel anything for them and he couldn't get it up in bed with them. He was really sad and would sleep all day. I was trying to be a good friend, keep him active and happy and just doing whatever I could to help him through it.

It didn't really work. He continued to be depressed and it escalated into suicidal thoughts and actions. At one point he didn't come home and I got really worried. I went to his parents' house (who were out of town) and there were about 5 cop cars outside with the house surrounded. Apparently his ex called them because he was talking about killing himself. They were hesitant to go in, in the event that he was armed, so I offered to go in and look for him.

He was fine. He said he sat in the garage with the car running for a while but it didn't work fast enough and it gave him time to think. He said he would have felt too guilty for making everyone else sad and went inside.

The police were still outside and they were yelling to come up. He looked me in the eye and said he was tired of hiding who he is. My throat was in my stomach. I had never told anyone that I am bi and I didn't know what to say. I just told him that he's not alone and I know how he feels and hoped that would get the message across. Right on queue the police busted in, beat him to the ground, and arrested him. He got taken in for psychiatric evaluation.

I think it was this point that my crush really took hold of me. I was so scared for him and I wanted to help so much. I kept thinking about what could have happened, how I could have lost him. I realized that I love him, and that I am willing to go out on a limb for him.

Well through some mutual friends of us and his ex girlfriend, I found out that he told her a couple of things: 1) that he was lonely when he was locked up and hooked up with some guys, and 2) that he was HIV positive.

My heart sank. I didn't know what to do. I loved him and now I find out that maybe I have a chance. Maybe he is attracted to guys after all. But the HIV thing scared me. I was conflicted but ultimately decided that I didn't care. If he was HIV positive then he needed support more than ever, and I would be willing to be the person that is there for him through this challenge.

The day he got out we didn't really discuss the specifics much. We sat on the couch and talked about normal stuff but there was a sense of new horizons, that a corner was being turned. We fell asleep and cuddled through the night, we had never done that before.

This got me even deeper. I felt like my love and I had finally been united, even if we didn't put it into words. The drama continued but we kept each other company. It makes me feel guilty saying this because it was probably such a difficult time in his life, but I was happy. We still didn't talk about it much, but he brought up a couple of times that he was tired of girls, that he could understand how a guy could like another guy. I was still too shy to say anything about my sexuality or my feelings.

But of course, it didn't last. His girlfriend got an HIV test which came back negative. He apparently lied to her to make her feel bad about cheating ( I don't quite understand the logic here but whatever, if they are both HIV negative then it is a good thing ). They started spending time together again and I started to freak out. I felt like I was going to miss my opportunity. I was about to leave the country to study abroad, and I didn't want him to relapse while I was gone. So I took the plunge.

One day at work (I got him a job at my work too, forgot to mention that) I built up the courage to tell him I was bi. It took him by surprise but he was supportive. He said he didn't "think" he was but that I shouldn't feel bad and that it is good to experiment. At first I was happy with his reaction.

But in the week or so before I left the country he seemed to try to distance himself. He rekindled his friendship with his old best friend and was with his ex girlfriend almost every day. I was sad and angry but I was lucky to have 2 months away from home to work it out. I decided to drop it, even though it would be hard. I can't make him do anything and if he wants to have his old best friend and his girlfriend then I couldn't stop it. So I came back and decided to be friendly but not intimate. I spent less time at home and started to hang out with different friends. I tried to still be chill with him by hanging out and being nice when I was home, but he'd only give me short responses and lock himself in his room. At one point I asked him if he had a problem with me and he told me that he had his own life to live and that he's sorry if it doesn't include me as much as I want it to. That hurt, but it was fair, so I continued to try to keep my distance and get over my feelings.

Well we still worked and lived together, and school was starting back up so we were still seeing a lot of each other. We slowly moved back toward each other and it's gotten to the point where we spend all of our extra time together. And the feelings that I was trying to get away from are back. He got in another fight with his girlfriend. They broke up for good and he again came to me. I hugged him for a long time and something seemed to click. Really since then we've been pretty inseparable. We go to dinner and movies and do our homework together. We have a lot of alone time.

I try to make subtle suggestions that I like him. I'll touch his foot with my foot or his hand with mine but he always seems to pull back. I want him to know how much I care but I am afraid to ruin our friendship.
I just know that something needs to happen. He's all I think about. I don't spend time with my other friends and I have been slacking in school. I get anxious when he leaves and I'm afraid that he's going to "get over" me again and go back to his old friends. He knows I don't like them much (I get nervous that he told them about me being bi and I feel awkward around them. And I get jealous easily) and he won't tell me when they're coming over, so when they do it is an awful surprise for me and I freak out and leave without saying anything. Probably not the greatest reaction but I really don't like hanging out with them and even hearing them in the house makes me feel bad. He gets annoyed when I do this, but we don't really talk about it. He'll do a similar thing when certain friends of mine come over too.

I just don't know. He gives me mixed signals and he'll flirt back with me sometimes and be weird and distant at other times.
I know that telling him could be risking the friendship but not telling him is eating away at my life. I still love him so much. He's the only person that I've told about my sexuality and I trust him more than anyone.

I graduate in May and am trying to decide whether to move away or not. I would honestly stay and wait for him but I don't want to do that if nothing is going to come of it. I just wish he'd talk to me but putting it into words seems to freak him out. I feel like I need a definitive answer so I can either move on or stick with him. It's driving me crazy. It's so hard to tell what's real when he won't be direct about it. To make matters worse, I have mild asperger's and have a hard time "taking a hint."

I am sorry for the long explanation. I am hoping that giving details can help personalize any advice or responses you guys have. And getting it down into a narrative helps me make sense of it in my head too. There's still a lot more but I'll leave it at this. I would be grateful to anyone who is willing to read through it and give me some feedback. I want to talk to him about it but I am afraid that he doesn't want to talk about it. I just feel stuck.

 

That's definitely true, he's had a checkered past. But I'm not perfect either and I am in a position to help him out of this slump (getting him a job, helping with school, etc). He definitely has some issues but he really is a kind and generous person.

When I was abroad I had time to clear my head and I did think about what you are saying. True, he has been less than honest. But if he is in the closet, I know that isn't easy. Desperation and suicidal thoughts are all too common.

I appreciate your post, though, and I think it is definitely something to keep in mind. And thank you for the nice welcome on my other thread too

 

I think I do want to put it out there and tell him but I have never done anything like this. I don't know what to say. I don't know how much is too much.
And if he does reject me, I don't know how I'll react. Ideally I could take it in stride but he lives with me. I am afraid that it could make me even more dysfunctional than I already am.
I guess the semester is over in a couple of weeks so worst case scenario I could just move out, but I don't want to do that to him and my other roommates (who would be left wondering wtf happened, assuming he doesn't tell them which I don't think he would.)
I don't know. I am having such a hard time moving forward.