Hey All, Excuse My First Post As It s Long, I am a 54 year old male. I have remembered being a bisexual (leaning towards gay) since I was 12. Now I am totally bi, in love with my wife and my best male friend of 39 years. Outside of "playing around" with other kids my age, nothing serious until college. As stupid as this seems, my meeting with my lover was predicted by a "channeler" a month before it happened claiming we had lived many lives together and were part of the same "soul group". While I dated girls and maintained the straight lifestyle, at that time I was probably more gay than not. "JAY" I will call my lover, met and we hit it off and became best friends. I knew he was probably bi or gay as he newer dated, was a great dresser, great decorator, and kept a "good housekeeping" apartment in college. (I know about those stereotypes, but they worked with him). But for 18 month we were just good payl. Right after graduation from college, we moved back to the same medium size city and I met and fell in love with a wonderful girt. But I still loved Jay every bit as much. Jay was naive and from a rural area so basically one night I played some porn movies, we got drunk, I said "Mine is bigger than your" and we wound up in bed for the night. Jay swears he was a virgin to gay sex but he certainly knew what he was doing. The next night I went by his house to see if he was O.K. emotionally and I could tell he felt that Christian guilt. I wasn't good talking about it. The long and short of it is we were both married within the year, each have two children and I am still very much in love with my wife. I have even told my wife I love Jay but I assume she thinks it is nonsexual (although she loves me so much I am not so sure it would matter). Frankly, Jay and my relationship has only strengthened my marriage, no seeking sex on Craig's list and such, a stable monogamous relationship with your best friend. Perfect. The problem Jay gets the guilt trips as he is so old fashioned (an only child) and several times in the near 30 years he has declared that "we are not going to be intimate anymore". Each time he has initiated the intimacy again. . In 30 years we have made love as much as I have with my wife. Recently, his daughter announce that she is transgender and is transitioning to a male. Jay's wife was no support and he had to put her in alcohol rehab for 6 weeks. Being Jay's only real friend (he lives now 6 hours away) without asking him I just moved in with him for two weeks and I think I saved his sanity. And yes we slept in the same bed for those two weeks. That was the first time he said he love me (I had said it 20 years earlier).Jay never told his parents about his wife "being away" could never tell them about his daughter (I had too). Jay admitted once "I guess I am gay" and I gave him the speech that gay was a label he was a fine man and we were in love. I think his guilt is two-fold: 1. His sexuality (bi or gay) 2. and now the thought that he caused his daughter to be transgender, thus he thinks he should have never married and is living a lie. He has a great excuse, insanity runs deep in his wife's family (and the wife is too in my opinion) rural people just assume that's where the transgender came from it must be a mental illness, even though it may be linked to him. I went to visit him last week planning on staying 3 days as I has burned out emotionally from work (his wife works out of town, grown children are gone) and I can only describe what happened as an intervention. He waited until I had too much to drink and then when sex talk came up verbally attacked me as weak, breaking my wedding vows, and the worst cut of all "I wish we had never met because you turned me on to this." I didn't argue with him, I was in his home and I knew it was his guilt coming out. Unfortunately, I mainly cried. Jay has also been a little brother in life and I have helped him get jobs, memberships into clubs, I was his best man, I am really his only friend. His parents call me their 2nd son. I finally just went to bed at 7pm in my separate room fully clothed. I awoke at midnight and packed my car for the 6 hour ride home (keep in mind I have mild narcolepsy). I wrote a note goodbye for now and I ran into him while packing. He made no attempt to stop me, I was still drunk and prone to falling asleep. I loaded my car and finally said "Do, you mind if I stay to sunup, I am afraid to be driving now" He said fine and somehow I slept to 9am but was groggy from what happened. I tried to talk to him, could we still have our visit with no intimacy? No, at at 10am it was "Hit the road". If I were not so in love with him and think I know where this is coming from, he would never see me again as I am popular, have many friends, and am finally self accepting of my sexuality. But I feel as strong about him as my wife and I can't let him go. We have talked and emailed since and I did send him an email stating "my side" had I wanted to argue and told him what I always have. If something every happened to one of us I would be content to put our pajamas on and snuggle in bed all night. Only facts not added is his wife is a witch whom he has sex his but does not love and she hates me because I got him to leave his job with a dishonest company where she still works. I have sent him all the articles about being gay and nobody can make you that way and I think he knows that. But he is 54 also and it is getting a little late for self acceptance. Rob Seaview
