Older BF

Hi, I'm brand new here and so far this seems like a totally cool site that is very helpful. I was thinking my situation was really odd and tough to handle but I can see I'm totally not alone when it comes to complex situations.

Here is my situation, the nickle tour . I always knew I was gay from very young. I first kissed a boy in second grade and totally loved it. But sadly like most gay boys, I eventually hid it and pretended to be straight. I even dated a girl when I was 13 and I could not get into it. So, I kept hidden and in the closet. I had other girls show interest in me but I never followed through. I just did not want to get involved in a complicated situation with a girl which only I knew would not work, cause I was gay and not straight.

So I focused on my other love which is cars. I became obsessed with them which helped me hide and avoid my sexuality for a few years. However, that changed when I was 16 and I went to a local car show. I saw this car, a 1969 Oldsmobile 442 and I was in love with the car. I looked every inch of the car over and began talking to the owner, who just happened to be as hot looking as his car. So, now I'm not only in love with this car, this guy is totally hot and has my attention. I was wearing a pair of skinny jeans, tight tee shirt and high top sneakers, so I knew I was looking good but was not totally sure if this guy was gay, as he had a woman with him and a couple of kids. Well happily the woman, ended up being his sister along with her son and daughter.

So to make a long story short, we talked about cars for a good couple of hours and he gave me his number and offered to let me drive the car after the show was over and he brought his sister, nephew and niece home.

We ended up going out that night, he let me drive the car, I was totally in love with the car and with him too but I did nothing at all to let him know I was gay and interested in him. We ended up becoming good friends and hung out a lot, we worked on his car, went for hikes, movies and out to dinner but nothing sexual or intimate for the first few months.

Our friendship eventually became much more intimate and we ended up coming out to each other. I had sex for the first time 3 months after we met. It was as powerful as I had thought it would be during countless nights of masturbating to gay porn.

We've remained best friends and lovers ever since, but I never came out in terms of being gay to my family and only a few close friends know I'm gay and I've been hiding our relationship for almost 4 years. It's been really hard to keep it hidden, with a few close calls and last summer my father confronted me on my relationship with my bf . He asked me if I was gay and if my friend is my bf. And I chickened out and told my father that I am not gay and that my friend is not my bf and were only good friends with a lot in common.

The main reason I have kept the relationship hidden is my bf is 18 years older than me. I'm afraid my family and my friends wont be able to accept me dating someone so much older. My BF would like for us to come out together, he said he is there for me and I know he will be. But I just don't know if I am ready to deal with all of the questions and conversations this may lead to.

What would you do?

 

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---------- Post added 30th Nov 2013 at 02:35 PM ----------

Sure would like to chat with you. How do you do that on here?

 

I've been lucky not to have any serious power issues since I began dating my bf. He has always been a kind sweet gentleman. He always ask me how I feel and If I'm happy and has even offered to let me date guys my own age. Although, he has taught me a lot in so much in many parts of life from our common love of cars, to cooking, nature, politics to love making, it has not from my perspective been a relationship of imbalance. He calls me an old soul and say's that I think and act 20 years older than my age many times.

This is one of the worries about me coming out to my parents. As others have said, I need to come out first as gay and secondly as dating an older man. My fear is somewhat what Chip has said, that my parents will think my BF is using me and the relationship lacks balance due to the age. They may think he only likes me so he can have sex with me. But that is not true. Although, we have a great sex life, we also have a lot more too. I don't think I could ever date a guy or be in a relationship that was only focused on sex. There is so much more.

I do agree that I'm cheating myself and my bf by not coming out.

 

That's how I see it, I love him and he loves me. Perhaps I'm in denial but it's working for both of us. We love to be with each other, I think about him all the time. Even though we've been together for 4 years the intensity of our love for each-other is only getting stronger. However, society overall seems to have an issue with the age gap, I just need to learn to not worry about it.

I was not totally surprised when my father asked me this past summer if I was gay and if something was going on between me and my bf. Even though I told him no and lied to him, I really don't think he bought it all. And yes me and my bf have been together with my parents and although we keep a distance from each other when were around them and my younger sister and brother, there is a bit of awkwardness.

I'm working on when and where and how to come out to them. I really don't think they will be shocked that I'm gay, as I never talk about girls and the only GF I had was when I was 13 and she asked me out. That relationship only lasted a few months and that was the last time I was involved with a girl. I know I not only want to do this, I need to do this for my relationship with my bf to develop to the next level.

As far as my age is concerned, I'm an adult and all they need to know is we were best friends for a long time and discovered our mutual love for each other over time. I won't tell them it began when I was 16, which I fully consented too and pursued on my own and knew what I wanted. Only if they pressure me on when it began sexually, I will tell them when I was 18.

---------- Post added 1st Dec 2013 at 08:29 AM ----------

Thanks dano218, that's exactly how I see it. Our relationship is very healthy, we each love each other and love being with each other. Now I just need to stop hiding it. How long have you been in yours and whats your age gap?

 

That's really cool, your age gap is even bigger than mine. Nice to know I'm not alone here. And yeah I don't want to focus on the age difference with them, only talk about our common interests and love for each other. I think that's all that really counts.