Hello everyone! I am in a very tough situation at the moment, I'll try to keep it short. I've been together with my boyfriend for almost two years, and he is a really great guy. I love him and care so much about him. Problem is that I have realized that I am not where I want to be in life, and that I'm also into women. I told my boyfriend at the start that I was bisexual but I'm now pretty sure that I am lesbian. And now I feel that our relationship has no future since I probably never will be truly happy with him. I know what I have to do for the sake of both of us - break up. I have accepted that. I just have to gather some strength to do it because my boyfriend is quite insecure and has been dumped before (after a two years long relationship...) and has always had much trouble letting things go. A couple of days ago I told him about me being lesbian, not in a break up-way, just to tell him what's been going around in my head and so we could talk about it. He really don't want to break up and gave me lots of reasons why we shouldn't. I just wish that he could see that it would be the best for both of us, but I think sometimes he just wants this relationship to be perfect that he choose not to see any flaws even if there are many. We have been really good together though, welcome and liked in each others families and we share a group of friends. I still would like to be friends with him after the break up if he would think it's okay. I wish I could write down everything about this situation, but that would be a very long post, so this is what I have to deal with: Absolutely crush my boyfriend's heart, and break my own. And I am so afraid that everyone around us will think that I've done something stupid and bad. It will be hell for a while, especially since we live together. I somewhat feel like I've got the rights to keep living in our flat since I paid the rent for months during spring, I paid for most furniture etc and I've got nowhere elsw to live, while he can live with his brother like he did before. He will probably think that I'm kicking him out though if I tell him that. How do I find strength to do this? It feels like I am about to unleash a tornado on our lives. I don't want to be alone in this so I'm writing this post here so maybe someone in a similar situation can give me some advice, or anyone give me any support. Or just to write it off. I will probably update on how the situation goes even if no one replies.
Sucks to be him, but them's the breaks. You don't think you'll be happy with him because you're a lesbian. That's all there is to it. Yes, I can see why you wouldn't want to do it, his past experiences and all, but there's things in this world, like realizing you're a lesbian while dating a guy and needing to break up with him because you won't be happy staying with him, you just have to do. It's brutal, it's painful for both parties involved, and it'll probably fuck him up in the head something fierce when it sinks in that this girl left him because she doesn't like dudes, but it's something you just have to do. It's like removing a bandage after the cut underneath has healed. It'll sting, maybe even hurt, for a little while, but it'll go away eventually.
Yeah, I know. And I've accepted that it's what I have to do, and I am not worried about this for my sake, I know I've got my parents and some good friends and most importantly myself. I will get over it and be stronger and know myself better efterwards. I'm so worried about him. He is so bad at turning these kind of things to something better, to make himself stronger. He just lets everything break him up inside and make him even more insecure. I wish he could go to teraphy but whenever I talk about him having to take care of himself (like going to the hospital or teraphy or stuff like that) he just says "But I'm fine!" even though he's really not on the inside. I just wish he had someone who could give him the support he needs in life, because right now he thinks that's me and I'm about to take that away from him. I feel so shit about this.
Firstly, you do't go through this alone, hon. The community here will always be supportive because this is a positive entertainment that exists to help us thru our struggles. The best thing you can do is finalize the breakup, because you've been denoting that for a while now by sending him portentous signals, he knows you're unhappy, and that'll leave him feeling unhappy with the relationship too. In considering your next move, ask yourself these questions: are you compatible? are you even a good match? At this point, judging by what you've written, the relationship has been lowered to the status of being dysfunctional on account of your sexuality, and your dissatisfaction with the relationship. By hinting at it, you've cushioned the heartbreak he will feel after you break up with him, so good job for warning him in advice. You sound like a lovable, caring, considerate, and dreamy partner. It's clear you do care for him and that you don't want to hurt him because you have a heart of gold. As a result, I too would fight to the end to be with you despite how hopeless it would be. Ruthless as it may appear, dumping would be a act of compassion, because the longer you keep up the charade the more the poor guy will suffer in this vortex of confusion, incertitude and sadness. 2 years is a long time to be in a relationship for someone as young as yourself ad you might want to take a beak upon the conclusion of the relationship -- you know to give yourself time to recover and to ponder what you're gonna do about the living situation. That in itself is another sticky situation that you'll have to deal with after dumping him.
Thanks for your kind and wise words. I know what I have to do, and I know it's the best for both of us, but when I look at him I just want to cry my eyes out thinking about it. I asked for a pause a while ago and his facial expression and reaction was utterly heartbreaking. So I kind of know what to expect. And he keeps talking about our future and getting a dog and stuff like that, and I don't know what to say. We are not the perfect match but we really like each others company and we have fun together. I hope we can be friends after this when we both had some time to think about everything.
Hello sandshoes. Reminds me of some of my own experiences a few years back, though I was on the receiving end of the break up. So perhaps I can say a bit about what he might be thinking, if it helps (if not, you've had great comments so far). I felt some of the same things- sensing that the relationship might be in trouble, but still trying to hold on every bit I could until she finally ended it. We still talked on and off the month after. I tried to convince her on one of these to get back together with me... which she agreed to, but then texted the next day saying she just couldn't. I pretty much found it impossible to be friends with her, so we just lost contact. I'd like to think I didn't behave horribly (she had to endure random email essays about my feelings now and then, but hopefully not too frequently). I still, 3 ish years later, often feel a good deal for her. But I've hopefully moved on (ok, I contacted her a few weeks back , but before that it was a year). Ok, think I'll leave it there. Obviosly, I don't know how he'll react, and I hope you guys stay friends (but that might not be realistic, I'm not sure it was in my case... but then some people do remain friends; don't know).
Thanks for sharing your story, it's comforting to know that there are others in similar situations even though I wouldn't wish it on anyone. I know it might not work out for us to be friends, at least not until he's over me. I just feel like I'm trapped inside a beautiful house made of glass and the only way for me to get out is to smash it up with a sledgehammer.
Honestly what befall your boyfriend is messed up, but through no fault of your own. At the time you dated him you weren't gay, but all that has changed, and since you're so young you can't really be held accountable for that. You're doing the right thing, you've handled this with aplomb like I said before, and I hope that knowing this mollifies some of the guilt you're feeling. Again, he will be bereaved for a while, but hopefully both of you will rebound and find something lasting. What you're doing may *seem* heartless, but it would be worse to mislead him out of fear of hurting him. I can't really blame your bf for his reaction either. This whole situation sux, but life is like that sometimes. It's unmistakably true the bond of intimacy is strengthened by sexual connection, ad eventually your bf's romantic passion would be dessicated by the fact that you're not sexually compatible. If sexual compatibility weren't so important, then why not date someone regardless of their gender? These days most relationships end in failure, and he probably did prepared for that, but he probably didn't anticipate it ending over you being a lesbian. Still it's not like you ever proclaimed that you would be with him for the rest of your life either. Your relationship may end but I hope he finds comfort in the love ad sweet memories you shared while it lasted. Fill us in on what happens. In any event, I wish the best for you and your boyfriend.
I will break up with him soon, I just don't know when yet. I know I have to, it's the only option I've got if we are going to be happy. I have to remind myself that it's not my responsibility to take care of him if he can't let things go. As my therapist said, people leave you during your lifetime for different reasons like death or relationship endings, and he's an adult so it's his responsibility to make sure he can deal with it. I should not sacrifice my life and happiness to make sure he won't get hurt. How could I make him feel better if I'm feeling shit? I have to do it. But it's still so f-ing hard. I've been feeling so bad about this that I've given myself headaches, stomach pain and fever.
I told him. It wasn't as bad as I thought it would be, so I guess it was good that I had prepared him earlier by mentioning my sexuality etc. Still, these things are never easy. We're still good friends now, but I guess things will change a bit when one of us moves out. We will look for another flat as soon as we can, but we will live together until then since none of us have anywhere else we can/want to move to. We'll try to stay friends as long as we both are comfortable with it. We'll see how that goes. I feel so freaking guilty though, especially when he tells me he thinks I was the perfect girlfriend for him. (He can probably see later that I've been far from perfect though.) I wish I could feel the same, but I just don't. But I still feel like I have to take care of him and I know I can't handle taking care of both him and myself at the moment, and on top of that figure out what's going on with my sexuality! No wonder I need to go to theraphy for depression. I'm really tired so I don't know how much sense my post is making, just wanted to give you guys an update.
I'm sorry you're depressed but it sounds like you did what you had to. Everyone struggles with being honest with themselves but congrats that you did it.
