Why did he flirt with me if he's not prepared to be with me?

I honestly think what he is doing is sexual harassment. It sound's like he is in a position of authority where your working and his behavior at work is not appropriate.

Your not a sexual object or a toy for him to play with whenever he desires. If he fancies you, then your right, he should see you after work hours. However, he is married and most likely confused. He can't have his wife and you too. He must choose one or the other.

You can only get hurt with him, I don't see any future for you with him. My suggestion is you don't flirt back with him and keep your communications with him professional and work related only. And don't wear tight fitting trousers at work.

 

You really need to keep your behavior at work with him 100% professional. You can say hi to him in a professional manner like you would say hi to a cashier at a supermarket but nothing else.

Don't even treat him as a friend, only as a work associate. Be polite and professional but nothing else. Treat him like you would treat anyone else in a work environment. Being sexual with him in any manner or giving him the suggestion your interested in him will only make the situation worse.

Over time, when you act totally professional with him, no more flirting or anything like that, he will eventually get the message. He may initially get upset that you are no longer flirting with him, but he will eventually get the message and stop his inappropriate behavior.

And yes look for a new job.

 

He is married and you went along with it because as you say "I don't have any respect for marriage." What the hell? Well I guess that certainly speaks to your character. That being said yes he is playing with you and it is not a healthy situation. You should remove yourself from it as it is only going to lead to trouble. Generally at work it is best to keep things professional

 

If you don't have respect for the marriage,
Then at least have respect for yourself and the poor partner he is with,
Who clearly doesn't know whats happening.

He is married,
He likes the thrill and the adrenaline he gets from doing something so forbidden,
He isn't "In love with you",
Not in the least,
Or if he is,
It's your body and not "you".

Be careful with these situations.

 

Sooo...you're perfectly ok with helping him violate the mutually agreed upon expectations that were established as part of his existing relationship (whether or not its a marriage is irrelevant), but you are bothered by it when he violates what you apparently feel are the expectations he has been developing with you by flirting with you?

It sounds to me like you are getting a (small) dose of your own medicine. And that you really have no cause to complain, given your stated starting premise.

Regardless, you should definitely distance yourself from him and not do anything with him. Because he might decide to violate your expectations (or yourself) much more directly, physically, and painfully next time.

Todd

 

My future husband is 46 years old, not my boss and never been married. What you need to do is quit your job, stop all contact with this guy and get some help. You have done so wrong in this situation and you should be ashamed and think about his family. It's his fault too but you need to step up and do the right thing.

 

So if his wife was just his girlfriend, you'd have not flirted with him? You say that the quality of their relationship is not your concern and in one sense that's true. But in another sense, that's just a cop out. Part of what holds human relationships and civilization together is respect for certain principles beyond the most basic 'does it hurt me or not' level.

There's also the issue that you really don't seem to have any idea of what his personal life is like or whether or not his wife knows about what he's doing (she may think everything is great with their relationship), so holding her accountable for 'the quality of their relationship' seems somewhat unfair. It also may be missing the point in this context. Leading to...

Most likely he's deeply closeted and struggling with his own sexuality. He has the urge to do something with you and, being a guy, when he's horny he's also not thinking clearly. So he flirts and flirts until things come to a head with you suggesting the two of you have sex. At which point he basically hits the wall of 'if I take this any further, it all becomes real and then I'm admitting that I'm gay and then my life falls apart' (or something like that) and then he stops. And is upset.

If I'm looking at this from a compassionate point of view, I'd say that he's probably hurting and that, while you should not permit the flirting to continue, you should also gently suggest that he should seek some support (professionally or in a group like EC) to help him work through this issue. There are other folks on EC who have more direct experience of this sort of thing and can probably provide better thoughts on it, if you're interested.

In a similar vein, I would suggest that his flirting has led you to develop some degree of feelings for him. Otherwise, I would imagine you would simply shrug off his abrupt change of mind, go to the nearest gay bar or hookup app and take care of the physical urge involved in short order.

If you have developed such feelings, then I'm sorry that you're hurting right now (*hug*) but he needs to work out his issues before any sort of healthy relationship could develop between you. If you can point him in the direction of working through his situation and even be supportive while he does so, then that's an option. But it's probably not something that would happen overnight and it might not happen ever.

In the meantime, the folks here are available to talk. You might also reach out to the staff directly and see if they can offer additional insights.

Hope this helps,

Todd