the oh so fimiliar loneliness

I have been at odds with the concept of standards for quite some time. I even wrote a letter on it which said, "... I imagine our rules of what a person must be ruins the chance of discovering what they otherwise could be."

For a while, I felt that after coming out (or at least being open about my sexuality) would remove an invisible barrier that prevented others from truly seeing, and loving, me. Additionally, it would remove the obstacle that I faced in order to love them. As we both have found, this is not the case.

Furthermore, since coming out I discovered the gay community is not what I thought it might be. I believed that the understanding required to "find" ourselves would allow us to more easily empathize with others' differences or circumstances. Again, reality proved me wrong. Gay men can be just as arrogant, obnoxious, exclusive, apathetic, whiney and misguided as our straight counterparts. Libertines.

For me, two opinions conflict on the subject of expectations. First, that everyone is entitled to their own judgement (negative or positive). Second, practicality is a necessity in life.

The first opinion tells me that I, just as everyone else, has standards, rules or expectations of a partner we are looking to match someone to. This outlook can provide constructive results... after all, as someone who is very legal-minded, I'd hate to be stuck with someone who does not appreciate the application of the law. Just as they'd hate to be around me.

However, my second opinion says there are 6.3 billion individuals on this plant. Finding someone who "matches" with me is not the purpose in life or the journey of love, but rather finding someone with whom we "match" together with. I'll quote one of my favorite films here and simply mention, "[y]ou're not perfect, sport. And let me save you the suspense: this girl you met, she's not perfect either. But the question is whether or not you're perfect for each other."

Who knows? :\ Just as with any dilemma in life, there are no absolute answers. I believe the key is knowing which qualities you should have standards for.

---------- Post added 5th Dec 2013 at 11:19 PM ----------

I did not see this paragraph about statuses.

A master status is merely an identifier. The black preacher, the Islamic terrorists, the Catholic pedophile, the gay politician. It is a way of singling an individual out from the crowd.

This can be very helpful if you are trying to help someone understand or see this person, specifically. If twenty men walk into a room, all dressed in suits, usually their hair color, skin color, height or weight are their identifies. Merely a means of finding someone.

... That said, sometimes it is emphasized in such a way to imply "despite" or "because of."

He's a politician despite being gay, it's surprising that he's a preacher because he is black, no doubt he was a terrorist; he's Islamic, I hope there'll be no trial; he's a Catholic priest with his alter boy.

 

In my experience, there was definitely a phase of disillusionment like you describe. I distinctly remember the feeling after my first few coming-outs. I was finally free! I could do what I wanted without desperately trying to fit what I thought others expected of me. My life would henceforth be a succession of triumphs! After 25 years of musty closet, I would catch up with everything I missed!

...and then I found out that life still goes on much as it has. As accepting as straight friends and family are, after the initial wave of support, life goes on. Local gay people weren't sitting around, waiting for me to start the party, so they too just go on doing what they were doing. For you, coming out was a defining moment in your life. For other people, it was tuesday.

Quite a disappointment after such high hopes.

On the other hand, I do think that that's necessarily a deal-breaker. Yeah, life is a bit messy and you have to play by ear and you have to make a niche, rather than fit into one. Straight people have it a bit easier, but for them it's usually quite messy too.

And speaking with a few years of outness behind my belt, I do think my life improved vastly over the last years. Never by big leaps, but every small decision I made was more my own than when I was still in the closet.

What were those choices? Well, I can tell them, but with a caveat that they're my choices and aren't a guaranteed success for other people.

To start off, I did find out that I didn't really need to turn to the gay community to be able to truly be out and open. My regular friends turned out to be awesome and accepting and I'm closer to them than I ever was. In that light, I find your following comment interesting:

Are you sure that's really the case? Or are you holding on to old fears, there? Before coming out, it's normal to fear that people are going to give you crap about it when they find out. And sometimes, even when they turn out to be nothing but accepting, the mind holds on to that. You were so sure that people would give you crap that, since they aren't doing it to your face, they must be doing it behind your back!

I did have much the same fear, but over time, I saw that they kept inviting me along, kept involving me, that the whole "Filip is gay" thing never really came up unless it was relevant, and that on a lot of occasions, my differing viewpoint and experience was really appreciated. After a few years of nothing getting back to me about getting crap behind my back, I'm fairly certain it's because no crap was given in the first place.

So, in short: lesson one to me was learning to accept that it's possible to fit into the "straight world" and yet be out and open at the same time. Essentially I'm doing the same things I already was doing, but being more myself while doing them.

(that doesn't, by the way, mean I'm saying one should avoid the GLBT community. I consider myself somewhat of an "associated member" of the local GLBT community. I never went out of my way to fit in, since I already had a community that works for me, but I wouldn't hesitate to hang out with the GLBT people when I have the chance)


Secondly, on the boyfriend part, I figured out that for me, dating and the like didn't work. I just can't find myself interested in people I don't know at least somewhat well in the first place. I knew my boyfriend was gay when we first started talking. At the time, I probably wouldn't have believed you when you'd have told me we'd end up developing feelings for one another, though. That only happened many months later when we suddenly discovered we kept finding excuses to hang out (and increasingly hang out with just the two of us). So, when it comes to love, my general approach ended up being friends with as many people as possible, and then just seeing where life goes (or doesn't go).

Okay, I'm rambling. The tldr: I think it's normal what you're feeling. Thinking that life changes drastically after coming out is normal, finding out that it isn't that easy is normal too. But I do also think that you're in a better position to make your own choices and that you will find something that works for you and gets you to a better place, in the end.