ok guys, I am having a bit of a problem over here when it comes to dealing with my mom. I finally came out to my family last week, the response was overall much better than I expected. My dad, while upset over the matter, simply told me that he loved me and that will never change, no matter what. My sisters said the same thing, but asked me several times if I was absolutely sure on the matter. My older sister is a doctor, so she is more worried about my health than anything else and just told me that she doesn't want me to get sick. But my mom. While she said that she loves me no matter who I am, she just cant quite accept me as a gay person. She keeps saying really obnoxious things like, "you don't fit that stereotype! I know you your my son and I really just think that your confused! Don't Make such a drastic decision so suddenly! We can beat this! You just need help is all." stuff like that over and over again, not to mention every time she looks at me it seems like she is looking at a lost soul. Not only that, but she keeps on using family black mail which saddens and angers me at the same time. "Don't tell grandma! She loves you so much, it would just break her heart." I am at the point where just being around her makes me feel so uncomfortable. Ever since i finally told my family im gay, I have felt just amazing! This past week was one of the best I have had in a long time and I just cant wait to start dating and finding that special person. But I want my family to share in my happiness, but even my sister told me she doesn't ever think i could actually bring a boyfriend home. My mom just would not allow or accept it. I want her to watch prayers for bobby with me and try to introduce her to PFLAG but what if she just keeps rejecting it? How do I handle a mom whose in flat out denial?
You said it yourself, she is in denial. You can't sort her feelings out for her - she has to work them out on her own. You can love, support, and empathize with her, but that's pretty much all you can do to help her out. My advice to you is to understand that she's going through probably the same experience that you had when you first started to realize that you were gay. The first realization is almost always met with denial. She's working her way through that same process, and eventually sooner or later she's going to find herself coming to terms and accepting it. After all, it's reality - you ARE gay - she doesn't have much choice in the matter. Don't take ownership of her feelings, opinions, or thoughts. They don't belong to you. She's going to feel what she feels, and think what she thinks. All of that belongs to her, not you, but it's sometimes really easy to fall into the trap of "what can I do to make it better". That's not your job and even if it was it is impossible to be successful at it. One thing that might help you is to write down her comments and then take the time to refute them. This exercise has two primary benefits. First, it allows you to create some much needed perspective. It's sometimes really easy to be hurt in situations like this, and let it start distorting how we feel and sometimes how we think. Second, it gives you the opportunity to refute them so that when they come up again in the future you know how to respond. For example, you're mother claims that you're "making a drastic decision suddenly". That's pretty easy to refute. First, being gay isn't a decision that you make. You're born that way, and it's something you discover along the way. Second, the only reason it seems drastic to her is because she just found out. You obviously spent plenty of time thinking about it, and coming to terms with being gay before telling anyone. There is nothing "drastic" about it at all, it only seems that way from her perspective because she's shocked and just found out. Taking the time to write this stuff down and refute it, will help a lot in building your resolve and giving you perspective on how to move forward. I think the best bet is to remain empathic toward what she is feeling, but firm in where you stand as to avoid giving her mixed messages. Ultimately she's going to pass through the Five Stages of Grief: denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. In the meantime as she works her way through this, if at all possible, you'll want to build a group of supportive people around you from both your friends and your family. Your older sister is a doctor, for example, so you might be able to lean on her a bit - especially at this stage where your mother believes that you can change. As a doctor she can speak from a position of greater authority than you, and anything you say is going to run head first into your mother's filter. I wouldn't hold out hope on your mother attending PFLAG. However, if you have some way of attending you could always find other mothers who have gone through similar struggles. They could come out and speak to your mother on your behalf, perhaps. This could be helpful, as they may have had similar reactions or feelings to what she is going through right now. However, she could also react angrily to them simply because she isn't ready to hear any other point of view except her own - that will change in time, though. In the end, your job isn't to change her mind or feelings. This is something she's going to have to work through on her own. Your primary concern should be your own health, sanity, and happiness as she sorts through it. I wish I had better advice to give, but hopefully this helps. Congratulations on coming out. Everything will sort itself out eventually, you just need to take things a day at a time. (*hug*)
"you don't fit that stereotype! I know you your my son and I really just think that your confused!" Oh boy, my mom said the same exact words to me, back when I told her I was gay/confused... There's not much you can do about it except keep driving the point home again and again and again until she finally (?) gets it. In my case, I didn't do that because I was young (16) and indeed very confused, so she just swept it under the rug. Five years later, I'm at the point where I basically need to go through the whole darn thing again, and I just don't want to do it because of her reaction. I think you should wait a bit for PFLAG and even "Prayers for Bobby." If she doesn't believe you're gay, she won't feel called to either. The moment she kind of comes to the realization that you're not making this all up, PFLAG might be an option. I don't remember much of "Prayers for Bobby," but wasn't it a little dramatic? Unless she's planning on kicking you out, maybe she doesn't really need to watch that. Don't get me wrong, it was a great movie, but it's a lot more hardcore than what you're describing lol. I mean, the kid ended up killing himself, no? You don't need to give her the idea that this could be what you're going through, she'll just freak out lol. Anyway, best of luck man, I hope she eventually gets it. (*hug*)
