This sucks. Plain and simple. I hate my life right now, and I've come to believe that I hate myself, as well. I don't think I can be gay anymore. I've had such a hard time of coming out... I haven't been accepted by friends, my mother (who has been supportive about everything else) doesn't accept me, and I am terrified about being outed at my job. This stinks so much... BUT.... I can't seem to hold a relationship. I've dated over 10 guys in the last year. 3 of them turned into serious relationships, but they ALL ended with me being dumped. I don't think I acted weird in the relationships... I was myself. I;m not bad looking. I've done everything right. But it always ends with a break up. I'm done with this. I talked to a guy for the past week for hours on the phone and texts. He was on vacation, but we promised to meet when he got back last night. We met and had a great conversation, but then, he ended by running away at the end. He texted me back saying that he didn't feel a connection. This is funny, cause the night before... he said we did. I have a sort of FWB going on with another guy.... I hate this idea, but I thought it would help. Even he has stopped talking to me. I HATE THIS! I hate how I have felt since coming out. I used to be so confident in myself. Now, I have no self-confidence left at all. I was happy in straight relationships. Not sexually, mind you, but emotionally. I want that back. I want back into the closet and to forget this nightmare of a year has even happened in my life... but I know that I can't. I'm so lost. I hate myself. I hate everything right now. -Not suicidal, btw, before anyone panics. I'm more on the verge of a complete and total nervous breakdown.
I'm kind of in a similar situation as you (I'm the same age by the way) I haven't gone out with as many guys as you have in the last year, but it does seem like every time I do meet up with a guy, I end up feeling a strong connection, but it always ends up fizzling out on their part. I'm currently seeing someone on a FWB basis as well (though I don't know at this point if it might develop into something further) but other than that, I have so far been very unsuccessful with the gay dating scene. Don't give up hope though. I know how difficult it can be. It took me years to finally feel comfortable enough with my sexuality to date guys, but so far I haven't been having luck. As discouraging as it might feel, don't give up on it. Going back in the closet and trying straight relationships again might be tempting, because trust me, I have been there too. Straight relationships just seem easier. But it's not who you are, so there's no way that it can truly make you happy. There's no doubt that gay dating is much harder than straight dating. There's a much smaller pool to choose from, and overall dates are just much harder to find due to so many people still being closeted, etc. But you need to start by having more confidence in yourself. Because like that old saying goes, if you can't love yourself, how can you expect anyone else to love you back? Stay strong buddy.
I am also the same age(ish). I don't have much advice to offer. Gay dating is hard, and that is if you are in the closet or not. You can't pick up people via work, school or friends because there are A. the odds they are gay are slim, B. if they are then they have to be out, or at least comfortable with it and C. you have know about it. Then comes in all the regular compatible issues with finding a mate. So yes, as the previous poster said, gay dating is harder. I know some people say it might be easier via the prevalence of online dating in the gay community among young people. I found online dating does nothing for me. It makes me feel desperate for some reason which gives me a mental block to opening up to someone. I hate the idea of saying, "oh we met online" as if I have no personal social skills whatsoever. Then there is the idea of coming out. Unlike you guys, I am out to no one significant. A handful of people know, but they aren't significant in my life in anyway. Even when I take a step back and look at the things I am typing here "coming out"..."gay dating"...yada yada makes me really uncomfortable. Like I am too insecure to look at myself in the mirror and accept fundamental qualities about who I am. Insecurity is a gigantic issue for me whether it be socially or at work (i.e., I second guess myself for looking like an idiot in simple conversation with my boss) which I believe all stems from me not feeling good enough because I am gay. There it is..."I am gay" and I am feeling my stomach churn. But I digress... Anyway, as said before, I don't have any advice for you that will turn around how you feel. But I accept (or try to) that life is a process, and one day I will feel better about all this and have someone to share that with.
Hey guy, (*hug*) I'm sorry that things are going rough right now. And I'd like to make a suggestion. I hope none of the following sounds harsh or unsupportive, because it's certainly not meant to be. I think you need to start preparing to hit the giant 'Reset' button on your life. Based on what you've said in this and other threads, it sounds like you aren't in a very supportive area and that your job and general situation make it that much harder. If you aren't out, it's hard enough to be gay. If you're trying to date and/or build a relationship (or even just socialize with gay friends) while constantly looking over your shoulder because someone from your job or your past might see you, it's got to be even harder. I'm sure you're a really nice and good looking guy. But that kind of stress is going to warp your behavior, as will making finding a boyfriend the center of your life. Desperation brings you down and can even be picked up by others, making them feel uncomfortable. Being depressed about not having a boyfriend, or having to be closeted, or some combo of these can just lead to more depression and desperation, which people pick up on, which leads to more problems, etc. So, maybe it's time to break the cycle. With that in mind, I would like to suggest the following: a) Take a break from dating or looking to meet folks for a bit. Instead use the time for other social outlets or doing stuff that you enjoy. Maybe volunteer somewhere (the local animal shelter? Puppies are great pick-me-uppers) or learn to do something you've always wanted to learn or whatever. Basically, you need to be complete in yourself before you can find someone to complete you (Yes, I know that sounds self-contradictory, but think about it). You need to build a life you can enjoy such that when you finally meet that special guy, his arrival is a bonus in an already busy and productive and fulfilling life - not the culmination of it. b) Start planning your move away from where you are. As I recall, you once mentioned being on a teaching contract. For some reason I think you said you had about 2.5yrs left. By this point I'd think about 6 mos of that might be gone and 2yrs isn't that long, especially if you have a goal. As far as what that goal should be: I think you need to get the hell out of OH dude. Move somewhere far away (like min 2hr plane ride away) and start over in a new place. Remake yourself without all the baggage of family and job and whatnot that was created while you were in the closet. Be Ohioguy5 ' I'm here, I'm queer, get used to it'. Look for places that appeal to you, in terms of LGBT friendly, climate, job market, potential dating material, etc. You're a teacher, I'm sure you know how to research things. Maybe try to locate and contact support resources for LGBT teachers (GLSEN comes to mind, although not sure if they work with teachers as much as LGBT students - PFLAG might be another). And get a big calendar and start marking off the days until your contract is up and you can take off. Start saving up a bit each paycheck NOW with the goal of financing a move. Etc. My partner spent most of his carrier teaching at the college level and as I understand it, it takes quite a while to go through the whole job hunt process anyway. Giving yourself a goal and making a decision to change your circumstances at a defined point in the future can go a long way to making you feel better. As far as resources, we're going to a holiday part this Friday. One of the hostesses is a teacher here. I'll ask her about any resources or advice for LGBT teachers and see if she has any info. Will pass it back here of course I've done two major moves in my life when I felt that my situation where I was was untenable. Both turned out to be the best thing I ever did. I really really think you need to seriously consider doing the same. Sure it might take a while, but you can work to make progress all the time. And the end result can be a much happier and more fulfilled you. Hope this helps and take care (*hug*) Todd
So, I talked to my friend at the party. She didn't have any specific groups or organizations, but said she would check with her colleagues and get back to me. She did have some advice on more general principles however. The main thing she suggested was that you should look to move out of OH. Definitely to somewhere more liberal, probably more urban, and coastal if you can manage it. Massachusetts was mentioned as about the most gay friendly place you could go to work as a teacher. However, even here in Va. she says she's out at work and no one much cares. Certainly not her fellow teachers or administration. There are some parents she is a bit more careful around or doesn't say things to. But the implication was that this was just some of them. Anyway, hope this helps and will get back to you with whatever additional information she is able to pass on to me as she is able to do so. Hang in there and hope things get better soon(*hug*) Todd
Hey guys... Thanks for the response. I really really really REALLY appreciate them and that there is someone who cares about my problems, as petty as they probably seem compared to some on here... I haven't responded back for a while, because, rather simply, this entire issue in my life has become overpowering. I think I was VERY close to having a nervous breakdown about a week ago. Luckily, I had the foresight to seek help with some close friends and family. I was able to get back on track...well, as much as I can, and I finally feel ready to type a response... EMF49 and Ryan Alexander... Thanks for responding and I feel better knowing that I am not the only struggling with this whole online dating fiasco. I wish you both the best and can only pass along the same advice that you gave to me... Things will get better and down the road we will all be able to look back at this and laugh at how crazy and frustrating it was. As for loving myself before others can love me... You are totally right. What is frustrating is that I've come to know myself much better within the past year than I ever have before. Some things have surprised me greatly for the good. I had no idea I would have the courage to come out of the closet and defy everything I was taught as "right and wrong." I had no idea that I would have the perserverence to keep at the whole dating scene after failure after failure after failure... I aslo discovered that perhaps I do seek the approval of others more than I had originally thought as well. I feel as if I NEED the love of someone else to be gay... Although I know this to not be true, and it is probably a dangerous thought, it is what I need to tackle first, methinks... AK TODD: I don't know how I can thank you enough for continuing to stick with me on here. You have listened to all of my complaining from the very beginning and stuck with me as I made mistake after mistake after mistake, while gently offering some truly fantastic suggestions to me. I've said it before, and I do mean it, I plan on repaying you someday (after I am more settled mentally than I am now) by helping others in the same way you have me. OK, back to your post: First... I fell absolutely honored that you thought enough of my post to ask your teacher friend. Thank you so much and please pass on my thanks to her the next time you see her. IF I stay in the teaching field, and that is an IF right now... I think I'll be in the same situation that she is in. I do think my coworkers and superiors would stand behind me...even in my current situation. We are all friends, after all, and I have a feeling they already have guessed that I'm not straight, as well. Like her, however, I am going to have to be careful around the parents. The parents are the ones who will freak, petition to have me removed, etc... (Not just as paranoid illusion, BTW... An extremely racist and disturbing sign against our President was posted about a half a mile away from the school by the head of our PTO... Let's just say, family values are REQUIRED around here)... As for moving... I can't believe that I'm saying this... I agree. A month ago, I would have probably not really had that thought. But now... I see what you all mean. It isn't healthy for me to stay here... And...Frankly, I've exhausted the dating scene. lol I've been thinking of a few places... First and foremost...Florida. I've heard bad things about living in Florida, but I have some friends (who are gay friendly) who live in the Orlando area, I have a secret love for everything Disney, I've always been in love with the wildlife in Florida, and there would be loads of job opportunities for me. And I think the Orlando area is a haven for gay guys, right? I've also come to think about the Charlotte NC area (where my gay brother lives). The thoughts of a move are terrifying, though... While life sucks majorly now, if I move someplace else...it could be just as bad... and I'd be all alone. That is so scary. As for jobs, I love teaching... but I don't know if I'm going to have the energy to keep it up for the rest of my life. I'm tempted to actually try to teach at the college level (I am qualified currently to teach education and USA history) I feel as if it would be safer to do this than elementary Ed... What are your thoughts on this Todd? I know you said your partner had some college prof. experience? Finally... I am trying to stay out of dating until after the holiday season at least. I have been abused mentally from these guys this past year and when I look at the dating sites now, there is NO ONE left who I am even remotely attracted to. I have to look back and realize, it hasn't all been bad. For the first time in my life... I fell in love this year... TWICE! And I was loved,too... That is huge.. Very huge and something that big require a break... Don't you agree? Thanks again.
Hey guy See my responses below... My pleasure to help Any time you need to talk, you know where to find me. Just ping my wall with a link to the thread here or post direct to the wall, or PM if you eventually start doing that, and I'll see it the next time I'm on. Like I said, it's my pleasure Hmm. I'm sure at some point someone will post on here about how much they love Ohio and what a wonderful place it is to live. But it hasn't happened yet. Heh. I think bad things can be said about living almost anywhere. I've been to FL a couple times just briefly, once for work and once because we were catching a cruise ship out of Ft. Lauderdale with my partner's family. But it seemed nice enough. The climate will likely be very warm and humid compared to what you're used to, at least at first. I'm told the wildlife can be...interesting. But that can be said about a lot of places. And, one thing I've found from living in Virginia - when you're living a good life, the surroundings start looking so much nicer I have heard that FL is a major gay population center. So you're odds seem good in the dating dept. As far as a move being scary and such. Change is always scary. But it can also be wonderful. And, to quote from a character in the move Latter Days (see it if you haven't yet), 'I was miserable in New York. At least in LA you can be miserable with a tan.' From all of your posts, I think we can both agree that you're not exactly having a thrilling time in OH. So, even if things aren't all wine and roses in FL - at least you're in a nicer climate. And from the sound of things, your odds of things improving sound really good. And you won't be alone. You already have friends there - and you sound like an outgoing guy - I'll bet you make more friends pretty fast. My partner has about 20yrs experience in tech theater, mostly at the college level. As part of that he has been out most of that time and was the faculty adviser to a campus LGBT club. Unless you end up working at a religious college of some kind, at the university level no one is going to much care who you sleep with as long as it's not a student. The biggest challenge he had in his most recent teaching gig was irritation with the students. No Child Left Behind seems to have resulted in a bunch of students who expect all the answers to just be handed to them and that they should get an A because they have a pulse and nothing more. Plus a tendency to want to text, surf, and otherwise pay more attention to their tech toys then the lecture. Given your age, this may be less of a strange thing for you and you might find it easier to deal with and get the students to pay attention. Agreed, it's a very big thing And agreed that you should take a break from dating for a while. Especially if you're giving serious thought to packing up and moving to another state (which I really think would be good for you). Hope this helps and take care, Todd:smilewave
