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May have a close friend who's deeply closeted

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by PDUff, Dec 10, 2013.

  1. PDUff

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    Earlier this year I made a new friend who was very adventurous, fun to be around and very attractive. When he invited me to come over and hang out, something told me "go," and I spent 7 hours with him talking about everything -- and he never turned on the TV nor the stereo system. Over the next few weeks, I would go hang with him whenever I had free time. It's like we were addicted to each other's company, but it wasn't sexual. Just two people getting to know each other. And yet he never asked me about anyone I was dating, which seemed unusual. The type of question usually comes up when meeting someone new.

    At first he's very jumpy around me. If I lean in too quickly to say something in a crowded bar, he jumps back as if he thinks I'm going to kiss him. He makes sure to say 'Excuse me' if he accidentally bumps into me as if we just met. Over time, however, he gets much more comfortable to the point where he'll find an excuse for a little body contact such as leaning against me to show me something on his phone, a really tight hug, etc. This is nice and could be purely platonic, but why so jumpy before? He also has an openly gay brother with whom he's very affectionate.

    He had told me a girl he was seeing was going to move in, so I spent as much time as possible getting to know him one-on-one before she did so. I figured as soon as she moved in I wouldn't be seeing him anymore. But after she moves in, he continued to invite me to do things to the point where we became this odd group of 3 people hanging out. In one month alone, in between road trips and making dinner at his home I spent the equivalent of a week with them non-stop.

    She's very pretty and athletic. If she was in a bar by herself, she'd be getting hit on constantly. However, she's very quiet and over the course of several months never asks me a single question about myself (as friends normally do), so I just told myself if I was going to hang with him she would always be there, too. Hey, at least she's not a bitch! Just the most disengaged person I've ever met who usually prefers her iPhone to joining in on a conversation.

    It seems such an odd choice for him -- he's very outgoing and friendly, and invites me to everything because he doesn't have to worry about babysitting me or me having a good time (I'm even more outgoing than him). I also notice that when they're together they don't really have any conversations together about anything. Maybe they save everything for the bedroom? She's just there, along for the ride. He and I, however, talk with ease about everything.

    They're planning a month-long trip down to Mexico, and he says they'd love if I joined them. The three of us on vacation for weeks at a time, sharing the same room, food, drinks, etc.. Which I think is very flattering but weird, and I start thinking, "Why is she not enough for him? Especially since they've only been dating a few months -- and mostly at a distance? Maybe she's simply providing cover." He keeps asking about it until I finally tell him he needs to go with her alone. He doesn't need a third wheel along. I hate being the third wheel! It's as if he's getting his entertainment and emotional needs met by me, but to the outside world it's just him and hot girlfriend getting approving nods from everyone. Or am I just projecting? It's hard to say.

    During their trip I still keep in almost-daily contact with him online. I tell him I can't wait to find my own "Plus 1" travel partner and make it a double date on future trips, but he still wants it just to be the three of us. He asks me what my 'ideal mate' is, and I say, "Find me a gay version of you and we're set." I expect to him be a bit surprised, but he doesn't even delay before responding, "That's pretty much what I would have thought." Perhaps it was just an awareness of our unique bond? Maybe he's simply egocentric? Hard to say.

    Once they get back to L.A., a bunch of things go wrong with their living situation, and I step in to assist by watching his dog (whom I genuinely love) and loaning him some money (against which he gave me collateral). He begins to get much closer to me and sharing things I don't think he's telling his girlfriend. To me, that's the beginning of an emotional affair. We take many long walks with his dog (sometimes with the girlfriend, sometimes not) and he talks a lot about a future in which I play an important role (more travel, meeting more of his family and friends, etc.). To me this has all the hallmarks of a romantic relationship, just without the sex.

    Several weeks ago, she flies home to attend a funeral, and the next day he asks me over to hang out. We climb theses famous local steps, and afterwards he's claiming to be sore, so I tell him about techniques we use at my gym to address that. The instant his roommate goes in his room to sleep, he sits beside me on the couch and asks me to show him this technique again -- on his upper leg. I start massaging his leg (which was a big knot), and then I start thinking this scenario (alone at 1:30am touching him) seems pretty gay. He says "these basketball shorts are getting in the way," which to me suggests he may want to take them off and strip down to his underwear (what better way to see his erection?).

    But he also seems very nervous and quiet and is simply staring out the window as I massage him, so I decide not to make any further move (i.e, he needs to acknowledge what may happen if I'm going to make a move). He leans over me to pet his dog, who was on the other side of me. I give him a short backrub and tell him that I enjoy doing this with my romantic partners, too. He doesn't say anything about it, and when I stop he thanks me.

    A week later, after I'm again palling around with him and girlfriend and they're taking multiple photos together at a Halloween event (and never ask me to be in one), I decide this weird status quo is no longer going to work for me. I tell him I need to speak to him about something, and he starts freaking out when I won't tell him exactly what it is. He issues an ultimatum about our friendship -- if I don't spill the beans tonight, then I can't bring it up ever again.

    When I finally meet up with him, he's in full-scale defensive mode, but I can't turn back now. I tell him I'm getting signs that there may be something more to our relationship than friendship alone, and specifically note the previous weeks' massage. He says, “Oh, shit, that’s what I thought this was about. “ He found it "creepy" but didn't stop me because of our friendship. I tell him he had many options to get off of that couch without hurting my feelings (i.e., get a drink of water, go to the bathroom, go walk the dog, etc.), and if I was in his place and not interested that’s exactly what I would have done. I also tell him he's leaning on me emotionally much more than what's typical given the amount of time we've known each other. I don't mind this at all (and am touched that the trust me so much), but it's still unusual.

    He starts shouting about how straight he is, that he's got the most wonderful girlfriend in the world, etc. He says I'm one of the smartest people he knows as well as his best friend. I think "Best friend? In 8 months?" He's getting so upset that I decide to back down and change the subject. He says I don't seem convinced of his response. I tell him I have no choice to but to accept what he tells me, and that if things change he'll update me.

    As we get back to the outside his place, I advise him to be discreet about this and then leave, but apparently later he can't help himself. He tells the girlfriend about the talk, and she is so 'offended' by what I said that I'm no longer welcome to hang around with the two of them. She even defriends me on Facebook! She sees my entire friendship with her as being based on my agenda to pursue him (which isn't true because I was pretty much in information-gathering mode until he made it clear he wanted me to touch him).

    So now we're stuck in this limbo. He's still making an effort to hang out with me alone, but it's not nearly as often as before, and it's awkward. But he's really trying, and I appreciate that. I told him that I had never experienced the kind of sincere love and caring from a friend like he had showed me, and that was a big source of my confusion (after all, I am a guy who likes guys, and when someone's entire face lights up when they see you, it stands out).

    Last night, I told him where I found the courage to have The Conversation: my old roommate Dick (no pun intended). Dick was a former Baptist minister who, after 30 years of marriage and five kids, came out of the closet. Dick's biggest regret was living this lie for decades. I told my friend I'd rather risk offending him (and the girlfriend) and be wrong than be right and not say something.

    I've been out of the closet for many years, most of my friends are straight, and I have a great life. I want him to know that most things don't change even if you come out of the close -- at least they haven't for me.

    He and the girlfriend just moved into their own place about 75 miles away in an isolated mountain community, and that will give them time to focus on their relationship without any interference from me. But I also gave him a way out: if everything goes to shit, he can always stay with me and doesn't have to worry about being homeless. In other words, I still have his back no matter what.

    For me and my own emotional well-being, I'm branching out and meeting new people and seeing if/when we get back to a new normal for our friendship.

    I wrote this to get feedback from people who are truly objective. I think I did what I could for someone I grew to really love as a person, but I was a bit surprised at their reactions. If I was really wrong, why can't we just laugh about this and move on?
     
  2. RainbowMan

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    This was stuck in moderation, sorry for the delay in approving it.

    Do I think that your friend is gay? Quite possibly, however, he's certainly not ready to deal with that quite yet. I find it sort of strange how he was inviting you to touch him on his couch, knowing full well (I assume) that you were gay, and what that might lead to. Had you had any conversations with him prior to the couch incident where you might have revealed that you had feelings for him? If so, then it strikes me as doubly suspicious.
     
  3. PDUff

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    Thanks for your response. I think he's definitely curious or questioning. He's known about my own sexuality for several months, and we've talked openly about it (although he still never asks about anyone I'm dating and seemed offended when I told him I have no problem finding sex when I need it).

    I hadn't told him about my own feelings prior to the couch incident, but I've been very open about telling him that I love him as a friend and that I'm there for him.

    Something I didn't write originally was then when I started flirting with him pretty openly via text (or using any excuse to touch him affectionately but not sexually if we were alone), I was surprised that he never pushed back to put me in my place. Most straight guys I know draw those boundaries immediately if they think they're being invaded (so to speak).

    A couple of weeks prior to the couch incident, he noted that it seemed as if I thought these flirtations meant more than he did. I said that it doesn't matter what I think: if the other party isn't willing to acknowledge their own feelings or thoughts, then for all practical purposes it's as if they don't exist. To make sure he heard me, I then repeated it again. I wanted him to know that our friendship would continue regardless.
     
  4. resu

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    I really liked your description of the events. You showed a lot of self-control and patience in what is surely an awkward situation with this couple, and none of your responses were wrong. They were very reasonable. What is unreasonable is how the couple acted toward you. Even though she may be aloof, the girlfriends seems to know how much this guy likes you, if only as a friend. Whatever the case, it's his loss to stay with someone who doesn't seem to give what he wants.

    It's interesting you mention his brother is gay because there is at least some research (twin studies) suggesting gay people are more likely to have gay siblings. He could also be bi, which may help explain his internal turmoil.

    One alternative is that he's extremely naïve and really didn't think your relationship was sounding sexual until you pointed out the obvious truth, which may explain why he calls you one of the smartest people he knows.

    I think you have done all that can be done in such a situation. You will surely find a guy who will fully reciprocate your feelings.
     
  5. DesertTortoise

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    ... a lot of self control and maturity of judgement. If this guy is really in the closet, and he messes it up and doesn't connect with you, he's missing a good thing.

    I don't think there can be any room for doubt, if your description is accurate. In your place, I would have found opportunities to talk with his GF... not to sound her out on anything private, but just to get some sense of her relationship with him... and more significant.. a feeling for how she felt about you, how comfortable or uncomfortable she was about you. A lot of info there. Women tend (over generalization) to trust queer guys and feel pretty comfortable relating to us. When not the case... (and not just homophobic) something is up. If she's feeling jealous vibes... you know. She knows. She knows you knows he knows.
    When it quacks like a duck...

    Yours was a beautiful, sensitive description of a delicate situation. With no judgement. An open hearted, open minded effort to understand. If I were 60 years younger, and that guy... I woulda taken a deep breath, thanked the goddesses for my good fortune, and pulled your face down to mine just like that.

    May you find someone as understanding and open and caring as you are.
    Hugs!
     
    #5 DesertTortoise, Dec 10, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 10, 2013
  6. scanner007

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    PDuff,
    It kinda scares me sometimes how few people recognize just what a close friendship really is and don't really recognize what they have when they have it. Its scary because as lonely as I get sometimes, I realize how many more people go through their life with friends, maybe even boyfriends/girlfriends too and still can feel lonely or even lonely and depressed because they have these people around them, yet not someone who they can truly, emotionally connect with.

    Based on what I've read from your posts, I'd say there's a 10% chance that your friend is actually gay. Furthermore, I'd say there's a 25% chance that he could actually be gay with you - meaning a roughly 1 in 4 chance that you could both reach a point of where you are both so emotionally connected that he might feel the need to express that physically with you in some way. Basically, I'm saying he's not gay at all and if that's all your looking for with him, then it's time to move on.

    I think you need to ask yourself exactly what you want out of your relationship with him? Obviously, being gay, you'd be more than happy to have a physical and emotional relatioship with him. Can you be happy just to have an emotionally close friendship with him and nothing more, ever?

    I think often us gay folk tend to forgot just how deeply two straight male friends can love and care for one another without any sexual feeling at all. I think its worth taking a moment to stop and consider your friend's point of view. The way you say his face lights up when he sees you, the physical closeness that's developed and how he considers you to be his best friend. He feels (and straight guys in general) all that and loves and cares for you that much without any sexual feelings coloring or slanting his emotions. Something which probably isn't the case with you, and looking at it from a neutral perspective, almost isn't fair to him that he'd feel that much for you, yet you might not be able to say that you loved him just as much if the sexual feelings you have were taken out of the equation.

    That's why I say, you should really examine how much you really care for him. If after imagining being friends with him for the next ten years and never once having had sex with him, you can still say you are just as interested in being just as close of a friend to him as you are now, and you have no doubt of that, then you can probably judge your friendship pure and go from there. Regardless, you'll want to put some focus on getting a "real" boyfriend, not just someone to have sex with, but
    someone you can connect with emotionally - otherwise you'll be in the same boat as him, you'll both use your boyfriend, girlfriends to fulfill your sexual needs and lean on each other more for emotional fulfillment. If you can connect with him AND a boyfriend....hopefully a healthy balance with level itself out at some point.

    I have this theory, especially with straight guys, that in order to be happy in this life, one needs minimum, two best friends - one female (wife/girlfriend) and one male best friend. It just seems like through observation, the happiest guys have that - and those who lack it usually exhibit a lot of emotional problems and bad habits - excessive drinking, etc.

    I can relate to your situation somewhat. I have a straight best friend. I go over to his girlfriend's house and hangout several times a week, usually have dinner at least once a week. We're all good friends. Before that, in his first marriage, his wife even at one point said, that him and I spent more time together than he did with her. I'd say that true, even given that they slept in the same bed together, we still spent more time together at some points in his five year marriage to her. But then, she was bitch..lol. She really was, cared more about posing around with her friends and sipping on her damn boxed wine than having anything "real" with him. Several years after their divorce she even apologized to him for it.

    I love him dearly. He's more family to me than any member of my own real family. We both got each other's back. If he was gay? ...oh yeah, I'd seek out a relationship with him, we connect well emotionally and lo oks-wise - well google (Brad Pitt thelma and louise) and he's like that only with way bigger arms. But he's not gay, and I accept that...I'm glad he's not, he's an overall happy guy and I would hate for him to have gone through what I've lived being gay.

    I treasure our friendship because we share a bond few get to enjoy because true friends are few and fare between. That last sentence is my advice to you, with your friend. Apologize to his girlfriend, tell her you never intended to cause trouble, you just wanted to talk to him about what was going on. Its good you talked to him about your feelings as well. Now that its out in the open, maybe it'll be easier for you to not read into every little affectionate gesture of his as a homosexual overture. It is what it is, no more no less. When they're straight, they're straight, believe me - my own friend, he's had enough sex partners (mid double digits) and he's not even 30 yet, you'd think he'd be bored of women by now and wanna try something new - ha ha not how it works ...don't delude yourself. If you can get past that though, you're in for an awesome friendship with a guy you can really connect with.
    GOOD LUCK
     
  7. PDUff

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    Thank you for all this great input! Yes, I do think it's possible that he's simply been naive about how I might interpret the rapid pace of our friendship. Most of his other close male friends are either from his hometown or made during college. Apparently I'm the first close friend he's made in several years, whereas I've never become this close to someone this quickly. It's a bit new for both of us. I told him months ago that I felt like we were supposed to meet, but I didn't know the reason yet. He just smiled and nodded.

    I've also largely been operating under the assumption that this is simply one of those platonic relationships which I've not experienced before with a straight man (aside from those guys I've known for many years and so already have clarity). It was mostly the notable change between the way he behaves towards me when we're alone versus with with others which prompted my discussion with him. Would he have allowed me to massage him with his roommate or girlfriend in the room? I seriously doubt it, but perhaps.

    I think I can move beyond the attraction because I've been through this before, only with an openly gay man. After being turned down to date each other, in this case we became really good friends, invested in a house together, etc. Today if he hit on me there's no way I'd agree -- it'd seem like incest.

    In this case I've also considered what it would be like to be in a relationship with him, and it could be a rocky match. Our communication styles are a bit different (I like to get ahead of things, he prefers someone else to break the ice), and I'm much more of a planner, whereas he likes to live for each moment. I'm sure his credit score could use some work! So I'm also conducting reality checks at the same time.

    I'll probably step back a bit now that he and the girlfriend are living alone together for the first time in their relationship. It would be nice to move beyond this and find my own (and out) significant other while keeping this friendship alive. But if I was right all along, he's going to have to find the courage to tell me. Otherwise I'm going to assume that I was wrong.
     
  8. ryanalexander61

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    :thumbsup: to scanner...that is a great post.
     
  9. confused1234

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    I logged in just to second what ryan said. Awesome post scanner.
     
  10. bluesky

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    Dude, from reading your post...there's a chance yeah, your friend might be gay, but I don't know...I think the chance is slim. I think you're looking too far in to things. Massages, jumping back, face lightning up those aren't enough hints to say that he's gay...straight guys could do "gay" things like that too, maybe even more and they're not gay. Your friend knows your gay right? Maybe, when he jumped back he thought you were going to kiss him, so he didn't want it to happen. You put a lot of thought and judgement on what "you" would do under circumstances such as the massage incident, but he's not you.. so you can't really say that. People are different.

    What his girlfriend did was pretty unreasonable, but as a girlfriend of course her first defensive mechanism is going to react like that...I don't know, maybe she's been jealous of how close you are to him? You say that he never asked you who you dated or any past relationship when you guys talked for 7 hours...yeah it was for 7 hours, but still 7 hours is a blink of an eye and I couldn't imagine myself asking about someone else's past dating life either. I'm not that kind of person to be nosey and maybe he's not either? Or maybe, since he knows your gay, he doesn't feel appropriate to ask you about your past relationships...

    It's a good thing that you let him know your feelings and even if he is gay it's his choice if he wants to act up on it or not. You're openly gay correct? My advice to you is put this aside for now, if he REALLY is gay, and he wants to pursue you then that's on him since you threw your feelings out there already. You have a lot of patients and handled this well, I just don't think there's enough evidence that he's gay, if that makes sense. I know you cant summarize a past year of friendship through a single post.. and it's okay if you disagree/agree with me. I'm just throwing my thoughts here.. at the end of the day, it's your judgement and your choice in what you want to do. You're a smart person, so I'm sure you will be fine. Hope all goes well :slight_smile:
     
    #10 bluesky, Dec 11, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 11, 2013
  11. PDUff

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    Hey, thanks again for reading and the input. What I meant about not asking me dating anyone was after literally hundreds of hours hanging out together, not the initial 7 (in that case I agree with you that it'd be nosy). Neither did he want to talk about women, either (nor have I ever seen him checking one out). Maybe he was so in love with his girl that no one else could measure up? Dunno.

    As for the girlfriend, perhaps she'll come around in time. I am curious, however, about whether she's genuinely offended or is holding onto that emotion to avoid honestly asking herself if there's any fire behind the smoke. I've noticed that's a pretty common defense mechanism when you're talking to someone about anything uncomfortable no matter what it is (sexuality, drug or alcohol abuse, family relationships, etc.).

    Regardless of the signs I wrote about as well as others, for now I'm working on the friendship and nothing more because that's what he wants, and frankly it's a bit of a relief to have this all out on the table (at least for me). My emotions have greatly stabilized as a result. It's also been a huge personal growth story for me, as I would've handled this much differently in the past. If nothing else, he's been a great 'dress rehearsal' for being this open with someone who IS available (hey, should I tell him that?). :icon_wink
     
  12. scanner007

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    Pduff, I agree with what the other posters have said in that you seem to be an intelligent individual who has done your best to handle this situation well. I also agree you've made a good decision to back off for a while. I might point out another good reason for doing this because of this quote...
    From a neutral viewpoint, what I see when I read what you wrote here is that you're having trouble seeing the forest for all the trees. I think it'd be good to remind yourself that your love and attraction for him is coloring your own perspective on the situation. (No matter how honestly you try to view the situation yourself)
    Generally good friends help and support their friends in their relationships where they can, and if they can't, they stay out of it.

    Speaking from my own experience I can tell he can love you very much as a friend and love her very much as a girlfriend. Given that he knows your gay and he knows how you feel, its probably a good idea to give yourself some time to get more emotionally centered again. Once you've done that, as far as him being a prospective romantic partner, you've basically done all you can and if he doesn't give you any further indication, it'd probably be best to treat him and try to think of him as a friend only. -and just enjoy your friendship with him.

    Your feelings are very real and even if you feel fine on the surface, deep down its going to take a while to come to terms with things. Its okay to feel angry and upset - frustrated and sad because you feel how you feel and your love is unrequited. Give yourself plenty of time.
     
  13. savannah99

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    I think that you handled the situation gracefully and tactfully. It really sounds like he was experimenting with his feelings but he wasn't ready to decide whether he should accept them or not. You didn't do anything that deserved that kind of anger from him and his girlfriend, and in fact that anger is what makes me think he most likely is struggling with his sexuality. Whatever frustration he has probably got taken out on you. Maybe in the future when he becomes more comfortable and figures out how he feels exactly, you will get a much-deserved apology. Until then, it's amazing that you are still going to be there for him. So many people would respond right back with anger if they were in your position. You're an amazing friend.

    It's also really good that you did address the romantic implications of your relationship with him, because if you didn't things could have gotten really uncomfortable at some point. He already tried to blame you for the massage, imagine if more had happened!

    I don't think you were wrong at all, in anything that you did. I think you're just the target of his anger as he struggles with his sexuality. Hopefully that anger will subside.
     
  14. PDUff

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    Hey Scanner, I agree with you. That's why some distance now is a good thing (and why I told him shortly before he moved). What will be interesting to see is what happens to this friendship now that they're no longer local. I did kinda spoil him rotten (including throwing him a birthday party at a water park where I also paid for her, etc.). Gradually fade away? Perhaps. And maybe that's the best thing so I can move on. We shall see.

    One thing which bothers me on the purely friendship level is how he handled her decision to avoid hanging out with me. Instead of telling me upfront so we could adjust to it without her around, he figures I'm smart enough to eventually get the hint.

    I think that's an incredibly shitty way to treat someone who's been this honest, which is made worse because we had an agreement that loyalty is extremely important and friends shouldn't keep things from each other or guess what's on each other's mind. It's been a common message from him, because he'd get frustrated if I didn't feel like talking about something, ask if it was about him, etc. But as soon as the issue is uncomfortable for him, he completely forgets the agreement. That just ain't right.

    If I had any other friend treat me like that I'd definitely say something and stay away for awhile, but because this issue is so complex I've decided to give him a pass because it's such a new situation for him.

    I've been through situations like this before, but was never close enough to feel the bond was strong enough to weather the conversation. He says I didn't think this whole thing through before speaking my mind, and perhaps he's right.

    While I didn't expect him to say, "I feel the same way," neither did I expect his level of anger and distress (nor hers). I expected confusion or humor, but I think he's mad at me for destroying the fantasy of having both me and her in his life without a significant other of my own to upset the status quo. Sadly, the status quo was miserable for me so it was time to address it.

    Thanks again for your input! I really do appreciate it.
     
  15. PDUff

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    Well, I have a bit of a sad update.

    I think this friendship may be finished, in large part because I don't know if I'm interested any longer in propping it up. Tonight I saw my friend briefly, and I simply wanted to request that in the future if there's important information to be shared (i.e., he wants some space in our friendship for awhile) then he should tell me upfront instead of having me twist in the wind for weeks until I finally ask him about it (which is what he did). It just seemed needlessly cruel to handle it that way. I had been hanging out with him (or him and his girlfriend) several days per week and then after our talk, it turned into almost nothing. Fine, I get that. But SAY something about how much time you need, etc.

    This simple request for a little respect then turns into a big fight.

    He doesn't give an inch, telling me that he's not interested in 'baby sitting' people and that he doesn't say anything unless it's "important." I respond that I'm simply looking for a little empathy, and he replies that maybe he doesn't have that in instances like this. He tells me not to "play the victim" because it was my conversation which started this mess and now I have to pay my penance. I'm starting to feel manipulated and wonder if this guy has simply been playing me all along and is basically just another narcissist (and whom is also the son of a narcissistic father who abandoned the family when his kids were in high school to marry a co-worker). Maybe he just has Daddy issues (I am a bit older than he is)?

    I then find out the reason I've not been invited to group things with him is because he's pretty much blabbed about this talk I had with him to several people and now they're 'uncomfortable' around me (which makes me wonder exactly what he said to them).

    His openly gay brother and his roommate (whom I'd also befriended) suggest he simply end the friendship with me. His girlfriend says she's offended and lost all respect for me and so isn't interested in being around me, but if he wants to do alone so she's fine with that. He makes it seem as if it's a gift that he's even trying to maintain the friendship given that his confidantes have suggested it's not worth it.

    When did everyone become so harsh? Why is this such a big deal to them?

    I've been on the receiving end of unwanted advances several times, and I simply said I was flattered but not interested, and that was it. Friendship continues! He says the way I react to things is MUCH different than other people and that yes, to some people this is a big deal.

    He defends them, saying that when someone in a friendship suggest there's more to it than friendship alone, then it changes it forever. I argue that that's only the case if you can't TALK about it because the issue remains unaddressed, but he's so uncomfortable with the subject matter that he "never, ever wants to talk about it again." I note that he's clearly more uncomfortable about this topic than I am (I'm sure because I've been out for years and it's not a big deal to me). He just looks like he wants to crawl out of his skin when this subject is brought up.

    He says talking about it tonight is even worse than the initial time because I'm not moving past it, and all he wants is to get his buddy back and have things get back to normal. I tell him I've been a great friend to him since we met and that I deserve the benefit of the doubt and I'm simply trying to clear the air once and for all and tell him what my communication needs are. He tells me I'm trying to play the victim again.

    He's clearly very angry with me, I think in part because he wanted the three of us (me, him and the girlfriend) to travel a lot together, and now I've upset that plan. The fact that being a third wheel would not be that great for me was always something he could never get in his head despite my insistence that we always travel with "even numbers" (i.e., not 3 because I don't want to be trapped on someone else's date for long periods of time).

    And why couldn't he be happy just traveling with his significant other alone? Why invite some dude (gay or otherwise) he met just three months earlier along on everything? I don't feel that badly about that because there was no way I was going to accompany them on trips without my own date (I did several times before and it was often miserable), but never seemed to get that message.

    At this point I'm about to suggest putting our friendship on ice for a few months (i.e., 90 days) and then catch up after that to see if we're still interested in working at it. There's just still too much emotion now, and pretending otherwise just doesn't work for me.

    He likes to sweep things under the carpet and pretend they don't exist. I'm more of a realist and insist that you can't address what you refuse to admit. Perhaps it's time for me to admit that the question of his sexuality is no longer relevant: what IS relevant is that the way in which we address conflict may be too different to rescue this friendship.
     
  16. PDUff

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    I think I may have found the cause of my extreme confusion with this friend: Borderline Personality Disorder. When I looked up the criteria, from what I've seen and what he has told me about his past, he matches almost all of them.

    This condition is characterized by impulsiveness (including acting out sexually, sometimes with the same gender), a quick temper (check), putting new relationships (friends or otherwise) atop pedestals quickly after meeting (check), panicking if he senses abandonment (check), unstable relationships (check, he already lost two friends since I've known him), refusing to acknowledge negative emotions in others (check), fighting (check) and demonizing those who were recently on the pedestal when they do or say something he doesn't like (check).

    No wonder I confused his behavior with a romantic interest in me because his feelings were so raw. This finding -- assuming it's true -- actually makes me feel a lot better about the situation because I can still definitely be his friend, and a good one at that.

    My next question is if he even knows he has this, but there's no way I'm touching that subject now.
     
  17. resu

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    It's always good to find explanations of why people do things. Maybe you should tell his gay brother about this, assuming he is also not suffering from this disorder and thus not receptive.

    I really think there is little you can do, and you can't be always the mature one who has to tiptoe around this guy's temperamental nature just so he doesn't get upset.
     
  18. PDUff

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    Yes, talking with the brother is an excellent suggestion, but I'm going to give it awhile and let things get back to as normal as possible before doing so. I've already been seen as meddling enough, so for now I need to give it a rest.