Warning this is a long post Hey guys, so for those of you that have been following me, you know that my parents were attempting to persuade me into seeking psychiatric help. I kept turning them down on that though, I know that a therapist isn't going to be able to tell me something I don't already know or haven't already thought about. After all I have spent the majority of my life dealing with this, so more than anything I just hate it when people tell me I have no clue what I am talking about and that I am just confused.... Any way, my parents got really upset with me and we got into a heated argument, the end result being that my mom told me to just try a family only therapy, guided by a book that she found on the internet. So to recap, I have one book that I am supposed to read on my own about a guy who managed to pretty much suppress is homosexual feelings and now lives a straight life, and another book which we as a whole family are going to sit down to and read/follow exercises that are supposed to help fill some "void" that is inside of me causing my feelings. My mom says that I just did not have a strong enough relationship with my dad and believes that is the cause for my feelings. Unfortunately, I did agree to do the family therapy after I listened in on a conversation my sisters were having with my mom, and overheard them saying that they don't believe that im really gay and that im just going through a phase that they hope I come out of soon. I know that was probably a bad move, but I hate seeing my family so upset like this. It just....bothers me At the same time though, I really am afraid of this stuff. The first book, like a said, is about a guy who as he puts it "learned to repress homosexual feelings." In my eyes, this is not good in the slightest. Its a book about learning to shut off a part of who you are, like selectively picking who you should and shouldn't be. I don't think Ill read this one The family one I know is not going to work because, while its true that my father and I do not exactly have a awesome connection with each-other, I have never once ever blamed him for me being gay, that was a thought that had never crossed my mind until my mother mentioned it to me. To be honest, its kinda hurtful both to me and my dad. I don't want him to feel like a failure because he has done so much for me and i love him so much! Last bit i promise. Of all the reasons that my mother is against me being gay, the number one thing she keeps bringing up is some statistic that says I am far less likely to find a life partner and have a happy life. In fact, she pretty much said that if I picked this life, that I would never find true love and that I would live the rest of my life regretting everything. This scares me. I mean in my eyes, a straight person could just as easily never find the right person, but she keeps insisting that I will NEVER find the right guy for me, its just not gods design. The whole reason I finally started to accept the truth about myself, is that I have spent the past ten years without a true significant other person in my life. Ive had to watch my sisters go though relationships, watch one get married, the other start dating my best friend, and all the while Im still alone. I used to just brush it off, but now I can hardly stand to be in the same room with them because I get so jealous of their relationships. This may sound stupid, but please please please tell me that there is a guy out there waiting for me. Any gay married couples or long term relationship couples I would love to hear from you. In short, did I make a mistake agreeing to do some of this cure stuff for the sake of my family being happy? And will I end up being all alone? I have an idea for both of these but I need other perspectives on this thank you for your time
Well, let's see here... First off, my partner and I will have been in a monogamous loving relationship (house, cars, 2.5 dogs) for 17yrs this month. Sometime in the next couple of years we have decided we're going to make it official. Love is beautiful, but Federal tax benefits are forever Before meeting my partner, I was in a couple of other long term relationships (1yr and 3yrs) that ended up not working out for various reasons (although we still exchange Xmas cards with the 1yr). But that sort of thing happens in the straight world as well and even relationships that don't last a lifetime can be fun and loving and special. Or at least make you stronger in the end. So, I'd say the odds of a guy out there for you are quite good indeed. Maybe even more than one before you find that final and special guy. Regarding having a happy life and meeting someone - the two are not necessarily linked. I'd suggest that a good goal would be to build a happy life such that meeting someone becomes a bonus, not the be all and end all of said life. As far as making a mistake in agreeing to 'this cure stuff'. My first reaction is that it isn't the best of ideas. On the other hand, if you agree to go through with this with them and it fails utterly, then hopefully they will stop bugging you on the matter. Or not, unfortunately. People can be annoyingly stubborn on this kind of stuff sometimes. Personally, I would be more inclined to politely, but firmly, tell your family that being gay is not a sickness, nor is it a phase. It's a life (your life), not a lifestyle and you will do as you will do and while her acceptance is something you would appreciate, it is not required. It also certainly helps that I'm an adult and my family has utterly zero hold over me (not that they want one). You don't indicate how old you are, but if you're a minor, then that can complicate matters at least for a time. My 2c worth, Todd
Honestly, yeah, agreeing to is was probably a mistake, but don't worry about that right now because it's done. It's in the past, and isn't the end of the world, you said you'd read a book you're not going to read, nobodies bringing out the electric chair for that! Anyway, you've pretty much summed up my feelings about the whole thing in your post. The whole thing is unhealthy and generally crap. You shouldn't have to do it, and the next time it comes up just flat out refuse. Remember that you have as much right to be happy as they do! The fact that you are gay is not going to take all happiness from their lives, but suppressing it for their benefit will sure as hell take it all from you! You seem to already know this, although you don't seem to want to say it out loud. Your mum is wrong. Catastrophically wrong. As you said "a straight person could just as easily never find the right person" just look at the unbelievably high divorce rate among straight people for that one. Personally, I always work by the rule of 'never believe an argument that combines statistics with God'. If she is trying to say something statistically then backs it up with 'because that's not god's plan' ignore it. Unless your mother actually IS god, she can hardly speak for him, now can she? The only reason you would end up alone is if you decided to try and suppress things. If you suppress them completely, you'll just never date anyone, you're not going to force yourself to marry a woman now are you? If you suppress it a little and just decide not to date guys, you'll end up alone. If you accept that you have the right to live as you please, even if you're family don't like it you can find someone. They won't be perfect, because nobody is perfect, but damn it you will find someone good. Someone a hell of a lot better for you than your mother appears to be.
Mylo, if I'm hearing you correctly, the reason your parents want you to go to therapy is to "cure" you of your homosexuality, so I understand, if that's the agenda, why you don't want to do it. Also, if it it isn't absolutely crystal clear, suppressing homosexuality doesn't work... that is, if you want a full and wholehearted life. AKTodd makes a lot of good points on this. It simply isn't possible to be happy if you're repressing a major part of who you are, and any books/resources/people your parents have that tell you otherwise are simply not supported by any of the credible research, or the work of credible therapists in the field. So... you could use this to your advantage. Since you've been so resistant, perhaps they would let *you* choose the therapist. You don't need to choose one who works with LGBT people, since that would likely be a "red flag" for your parents, but pretty much any therapist you choose, as long as they don't have a strong religious background that influences how they conduct therapy, knows that being gay isn't a choice, and you could go, have a few sessions with the therapist, and then have a session with the therapist at which s/he tells your parents, in essence, to STFU. Perhaps if they heard it from a professional, they'd lay off of you. And, as far as therapy, I have yet to meet a gay person (or almost anyone else) who couldn't benefit from it. LGBT people inherently have a lot of baggage in addition to the family-of-origin issues that everyone has, and as much as you might believe that you've thought of and thought through everything, that's really not possible, as your thoughts and feelings are always filtered through the lens of your own experiences. Therapy with a good therapist helps you look at things from a different perspective. You'd definintely benefit from it.
Mylo, Chip gave you an excellent suggestion to find your own therapist who could then talk to your mom after you had seen him/her for a while. I would second that. Another thing I would add to this discussion is that if your mom is truly interested in your ultimate happiness, she needs to understand the extreme failure rate of gay men who have tried to "go straight". THAT is what will make you unhappy in life, not spending time looking for your soul mate. I know this first hand because that is what I went through. You can find dozens and dozens of other men here on EC who have gone through the same thing. I know for certain now that if I had accepted myself and come out in my 20s and given up the notion that I could be straight, I would be far happier in my life now. I know I mentioned to you the movie "Prayers for Bobby" in another post. I still think that is a good movie for your mom to watch, but maybe after you and her have seen a therapist. I re-watched that movie again just a few days ago, and the point near the end of the movie where the mom finally gets it is so heartbreaking. She says something like, "I now know why God didn't fix him... because there was nothing wrong with him." If only she had learned that before she hounded him to his death. This is what your mom needs to learn - There is nothing wrong with you. She is going through a grief process, so it will take time, but that is the goal you should have for her. That she will understand there is nothing that needs fixing... you aren't broken.
