So I've stumbled across a problem, and even though I know I'm over thinking it, I need help. Before I explain my problem I want to make some things clear: -I have serious confidence issues. I am just starting to learn self worth, but it's coming very slowly and I still worry that nobody will ever love me -I am terrible at talking to people I don't know and I always have been -I suffer with depression and anxiety and currently the anxiety is getting worse -I never EVER start conversations or talk to strangers -I've only ever had one relationship that I got into by accident So I posted a while back about how I made a profile on a dating website. Well I found a girl on it that I thought was cute, and whose interests really closely matched mine. It took me a while but I eventually FORCED myself to send her a message. I was stunned to find that she messaged me back! Now basically my message just said Hi and asked if they would like to message me back. We sent a few back and forth and I've now added her on steam where we've spoken a couple of times. Good stuff! BUT there is a problem. See I don't DO conversation, not really. I WANT to, but I find it difficult. I can talk to my friends easily enough because I've known them for years, I know them as well as I know myself, we are as close as family. I don't know this girl. I want to, but currently I don't. My problems are two-fold...or maybe more-fold if I think of more as I'm typing! The first, regards message content. Now, I don't know how to talk to new people. I don't know how they work, I don't know where to start. I don't know how they respond to things. It makes me nervous if I don't know how people work. So I have forced myself to initiate conversations with her. I really want to get to no her, but I still have to get the courage to talk. Problem is when I DO talk to her, if she responds she may answer the question but that is it. If I say 'how are you' she might tell me, but that is it. She doesn't ask me anything. Then I have to find something else to say or the conversation dies. This makes me wonder if she actually wants to speak to me at all! Then that feeds my worries and it all drags me back to the 'I'm not worth anything' pit again. I mean, I'm not wrong to think if she was even slightly interested, even just as a friend, that she might at least ask if I was ok...or ask something...anything...right? I shouldn't have to do ALL the work... The second regards continuing conversation: Once I get past the 'how are you' 'how was your day' 'what are you up to' bit, I'm lost. I don't know where to take the conversation, obviously if I get something from those bits I can riff on it and string it out a little longer but then I'm stuck. This goes for all conversation, I am SHITE at small talk...I just don't know how to do it! Any tips? My best friend says I'm over-thinking it. Obviously I want to know more about her, so I want to discuss things. BUT I don't want to just ask out of the blue some random question. To me it seems like (and it doesn't help that we met on a dating site) that if I do that it will seem like I just want to get in her pants. I won't lie, I DO want to get in her pants, but it's not all I want and I don't want it to come across that way but I can't stop worrying that if I say to much or ask too many things or if I do all the work it will seem like I'm trying to...I don't know...it just seems weird...plus then I remember that she doesn't seem to ask me anything and I start thinking that maybe I'm just pathetic for showing an interest in someone who I find attractive because obviously I couldn't possibly think that someone might find ME attractive... Thirdly (see I told you I'd think of something), when we DO get into a discussion we talk quite well. At least I think we do. It's weird I've never analysed conversations this way before but I realised today that I have no idea how I discuss things. But it seems like I'm putting more into it than she is...which is fine I guess, but I'm wondering how long I should do that before I just think 'well fuck it' and move on. Because obviously I can't speak to more than one person at a time who I would like to date because that's just who I am for some reason... If ANY of that made sense and you have any thoughts, they would be most appreciated...and on the off chance the person I'm talking about is reading this then try initiating the conversation next time :3
I ran into this exact same issue with talking to girls on online dating sites. From what I could figure it was one of two things: you're not alone in feeling like you're not good at small talk so it's possible she has the same or even worse anxiety about talking to you. it's also possible she's only mildly interested at this point and is waiting to see if she becomes more or less interested as you two chat. I've talked to both types and to be honest my experiences weren't great in these cases. I spent a lot of time trying to break through and get the other person to open up but they never did. however, your mileage may vary! just don't fall into the trap of thinking you have to continue trying if she's not carrying her end of things - you deserve someone who cares about getting to know you as much as you want to know them! don't settle!
I have a very similar problem to this. I used to be really underconfident but now I am gaining confidence but struggling with social anxiety and also with feelings of self-hatred. I never really spoke to anyone other than my family for the first 16/17 years of my life. Now, I want to speak to people (aged 18) but I find it so hard to think of what to say and I think 'what if I say something stupid?' (which I do a LOT of). I'm sorry but I have not used any dating things in the past and also have no clue what to put in a message so I'm sorry but I can't help there. Now, because of this, I may not be the best person to give advice but I want to share something with you anyway. One thing which helps me to be less scared of people and also to think of what to say (in general) is that I met a confident guy who is always super friendly and who starts conversations very well. So I became friends with him and I am starting to mimic him - 'he knows what he's doing, maybe I can do it too'. And it works! If I don't know how to react, I look for inspiration in the kinds of things he has said to me. Of course, I'm not saying that you should not be yourself. You should totally be yourself, by the way! But I think maybe finding someone who is confident and who wants to start conversations with you could be beneficial. So that you can practise speaking with them and then use that to be more able to communicate with people in general. The main issue for you I'm guessing is starting conversations, especially with new people? Is that right? Well, I met this guy because a friend dragged me along to a Christian event (and I'm not a Christian) and that gave me an excuse to meet up with this guy a lot. We arranged that we would meet every week and discuss his religion. And boom - he started talking to me (admittedly, most of the time it is about religion and not so much just general chat). I'm not suggesting that you go to a church or whatever but just trying to meet someone regularly just to talk about whatever subject could be really beneficial to you. It's extremely tough to do that though and I do understand. But it has helped me a lot and may help you too. If you did want to try that, then it would be cool to go to a convention/seminar/talk/group about a particular topic that you are interested in and then go up to someone who looks like they may be eager to speak and say 'hi, what did you think about what [name] said?' The good thing about asking a question on a particular theme is that it encourages them to say 'what about you?'. That puts you on the spot and forces you to say something and that is a good ingredient for any conversation. If they are confident, then the fact that you initiated the first conversation could make them feel comfortable approaching you in the future. Does any of this help? Sorry if I've just rambled on.
That's a good idea UIOP, I'll try and find something...there has to be a group of people around here SOMEWHERE that does something I like! The thing that gets me upset is trying to speak to someone you want to get to know! Like for dating or whatever. If they answer your question but don't ask 'what about you?' then I start to panic that they don't care! My friend said that they might just be as shy as me, which is possibly true but it does make me worry...I don't want to put ALL the effort in, you know?
Hi ElliaO. I just posted yesterday a response to a similar question: http://emptyclosets.com/forum/general-support-advice/118284-small-talk.html Happy reading!
