Not sure I like some parts of myself

I've posted here a few times. Sometimes I think I just come here to chronicle my confused feelings. Well, maybe it's more than that. Sharing has helped a lot, and I've thought a lot about some of the replies I've gotten, even when I haven't directly replied. So thanks to those of you who have heard me out before, even to those who have asked me difficult questions in response.

I guess I should give a little bit of context. The Cliff's Notes version, I guess? I have a BF that's basically my best friend that I've been with for a few years, but I don't know if I'm really attracted to him romantically. He's the only guy that I've had a real "relationship" with, but we've been having serious problems. There's also a girl that's a friend of mine that I have feelings for that I've had a really hard time letting go of (cliche, I know). She's bi, leaning more toward les.

I kinda wrote off my feelings for that girl. I just told myself that she was the outlet for some of my repressed tendencies, that my feelings weren't real. So I tried to make things work with my BF. I don't think that's going very well, though. He asked me recently, "Do you look at other girls?" I'm not really sure what he meant by that, and I still can't tell whether he knows or I'm simply paranoid. But regardless of whether he knows or not, we've been fighting a lot, and our sex life has more or less died. He says it's him. Maybe it's me? I don't know.

And my friend. I had really convinced myself that I didn't care. But it's usually the three of us when we hang out, and we have a lot of really frank discussions, including talking about our sex lives. So she mentioned a new "friend with benefits" that she had made, and the kinds of things she did with that girl, and how good it felt. And I had never really considered myself a jealous person until that moment, but I felt so many bad things at that moment that it makes me feel kinda ugly on the inside. I don't understand why I feel that way when I have no right to. She deserves somebody who will make her happy, even if it's only just physical, so I have no right to be mad or disappointed if I'm going to hide my own feelings and say nothing.

And I'm not sure how it came up, but she also mentioned that she doesn't like to mess up her friendships by pushing them beyond that. I don't think it was directed at me (maybe it was, and I'm much more transparent than I think), but that made me feel even worse, again for reasons I don't really understand.

I don't know. I don't even know what I'm asking. I just have a lot of feelings floating around. So I guess . . . for those of you who have listened to me rambling for one more night, thanks.