So, my best friend back in my hometown is incredibly homophobic. I'm out to all of my friends in Uni and my entire family, but I can't bring myself to come out to this friend. Whenever I try to start leading up to coming out to him and our circle of friends, he, or one of the others will say something incredibly homophobic, in response to which the rest start roaring with laughter and agreeing. As this is my best childhood friend (known him since I was 9), I'd really rather not lose him, but I know that he'll find out eventually, and I'm not sure that he (or the rest of our circle of friends for that matter) will want anything to do with me afterwards. Anyone have thoughts on how to come out to a homophobic best friend? :/ Or would it be better to just move on? Thanks in advance for any advice!
I'm sorry you have to go through that. I really don't have any suggestions because I am going through something similar, and I have no idea how to deal with it either. I hope that you find a way.
I don't have much advice, but I am in the exact same situation as you. I'm out to pretty much everyone here at Uni, but there are two friends back home that I am not because I know it would go over horribly. My best friend who I've hung out with all of the time said that gays are, "Sick f***s possessed by Satan to ruin the world and they will burn in hell." So I don't really think coming out to him would go over too hot, and I doubt anything I do will ever change his opinion. Here's how I'm kinda dealing with it. Like yeah it sucks a lot, but each day I'm really starting to care less about him. Why should my happiness depend on what one friend from home who I see maybe a month out of the year max. I don't know what exactly I plan on doing, but I'll think of something.
Frankly if let's say you do come out and they refuse to associate or hang out with you afterwards, whose loss is it really? If you are such good friends before but suddenly couldn't be after them knowing, then I don't think it was much of a friendship after all. If they really can not see past it, then as much as it might pain you, they aren't the friends for you. That brings me to a better point; it doesn't sound like they have been exposed to many homosexuals so perhaps you coming out will allow them to come to a better stance. It could stand to reason that they've been such good friends with a gay person and perhaps any homophobia was misplaced. Are the comments they make really downright homophobic or could they be mainly rooted in the joke of it? As you say the rest all start laughing, so perhaps it is a hive-mind joking thing and their true feelings might be less concrete towards the idea of it, like when sometimes people make racially charge comments or jokes but aren't really racist, if that makes sense. As you say, he will eventually find out. As for how to tell him, sounds the best way is probably without a lot of people around and rather directly. Beyond that you should use your best judgement. Take my comments as some food for thought, nothing concrete just some remarks. Hopefully you figure something out, best of luck.
Thank you Heun, really appreciate your advice. I'll talk to him over the Winter Holiday, and hopefully all goes well. Better to hear it sooner from me than later from someone else I s'pose. In regards to the homophobic comments, I'm afraid they are quite legitimately so and often quite nasty. Hopefully you're right and me coming out might help give him a new perspective. If not, then I guess I'll find out just how good of a friend he is.
Okay so I can totally relate to this since I have a homophobic bestfriend too. I still love her of course and I came out to her. She said, and I quote, "I accept you if your bi, but being gay is a whole different story." We are still bestfriends and talk all the time. She knows everything about me even if she does think being gay is 'disgusting'. Pretty much, she does her thing and I do mine. Maybe that's how it should be for you guys too?
Update: I started trying to tell them when the converation came up asking if I had found a girl I was interested in up at my University. I responded with "Well, no but there is a nice guy I met..." I said this in front of my best friend as well as another friend, and the look of disgust on their faces was overwhelming. After 3 or 4 minutes of awkward silence, one of them said in the coldest voice I had ever heard from him "that's not f--king funny bro." I laughed and it seemed like that half-confirmed to them that I was just joking (at least the silence ended). For the rest of the evening, they kept a bit of a distance from me, and conversation was much harder to make with them. When I left, they didn't even acknowledge my farewell. I think I lost my best friend last night. Is there anything I can do about it? Or would it be best just to move on?
I too lost my best friend when I came out to her. It is so hard to take. I have no answers for you, only hugs. You are delaying the inevitable. I'm sorry. There is no happy outcome here at least not in the immediate future.
Sounds awful, sorry to hear that . If they value your friendship, they might come around eventually, so give it some time. However, if they're not prepared to rethink their outlook and behaviour, do you really even want to be friends with homophobic people anyway? It's tough as I'm sure there's a lot of history and good memories between you, but people often grow out of childhood friendships when they realize they don't have as much in common as they thought they did. You have clearly made friends at uni so there are other people out there for you.
Haven't been on lately, but awesome update. Friend not only came around, apologized, and asked if we could resume our friendship, but has now become one of my greatest allies. He and another friend might join me for walking in the pride parade, all of us in our Eagle Scout uniforms. I'd say life is pretty fantastic. xD
That is a great turn of events, and it goes to show homophobia is the real lifestyle choice, not homosexuality.
I am really happy that things worked out for you! People regularly amaze you, and what you shared is a testament to that . Believe in people, and they will come through Best of luck!
