Closeted partner suddenly ended relationship

Hi

Not sure but thought that good to get some advice from people who are also in the closet or partly out.

I am in my early thirties based in the UK. My partner is from former Yugoslavia but was until September living in the UK. We were not living together. We were together for 2.5 years. In short a great two and half years but always an issue with him not being out, not out to anyone at all. It was a struggle but he slowly eased a bit. Big issues were socialising with my friends and then my family, going away for extended periods of time, etc, the usual, wanting to see me just on limited days of a week. Keeping some distance basically. He got better thought over this time. He even spent family celebrations with me. I met only two of his friends but as a friend. He always said that he cared for me and more recently he 'managed' to say he loved me. He said he couldn't express his emotions as it was hard for him and another part of acting like he was in a relationship.

The last upset we had was in July when he said he was not sure he could ever come out. He is from a part of the world where homeophobia is widespread. They still can't hold pride in Belgrade due to safety issues. It is far worse than the UK. He was worried even coming out to a best friend would somehow leak back to his parents. I never told him he must come out but asked that he looked at ways of exploring this together. I asked that we go to counselling together or therapy, which at first was reluctant but then agreed he would.

He then moved to another part of Europe for work in September with my support. I visited him there at the end of September, all was great, he said he wanted to visit me back in the UK before this Christmas. Then, very slowly, he began to withdraw. It was so subtle but the main thing was avoiding talking about when he would visit. Then about a month ago he ignored an email I sent and went very quiet. I became suspicious and found that he had an online profile on a dating website. I was devastated. I confronted him and he said he didn't feel the same for me anymore, since he moved away in August. I was very shocked as no signs at all. I asked him how could we have such a good time in September when I visited him, he said that he just 'didn't think about it'. He also said that he felt distant from everyone, his family and friends. He was suffering from high blood pressure, tinnutis (ringing in the ears), could'nt sleep and forgetting to eat. Now looking back I wonder if this was depression? Depression to do with being in the closet perhaps?

Anyway, it has been a month now. I am still in shock. I have not heard from him in 3 weeks. I am doing my best to not contact him but it is so hard I cannot say. It is like he has changed into this different person. I am starting to wonder if I imagined the last 2.5 years. All my friends and family are dumbfounded how someone can change overnight. I know how being in the closet, the cultural shame of his homeland, affected him. You could even see it in his body language, so stiff and formal. I think of him 24/7, not understanding how we got to this point virtually overnight. In the summer he told me that he wanted to be stronger, that life was meaningless without me, and agreed that he wanted to look towards a way of coming out. Now he claims that within a few weeks he felt differently.

Any thoughts anyone?! Sorry for the rant!! )

 

He moved to the Czech Republic which is not the same as the UK in terms of open but not as bad as where he is from either...

I think that is good advice. Time will tell if our love it meant to be and if he is stronger...I would be keen to know other closeted people act that way...

He was on a gay dating website..created not long after I visited him...so painful the overnight transformation, that is what is weird. I feel that he has just created a new life for himself; one that doesn't involve having me and coming out of the closet...

 

Just an update....

I met with my ex- of 2.5 years yesterday. He is not out to anyone. We split 2.5 months ago (Novem ber) as he said his feelings were not as strong, after moving away. He says that he thinks maybe he convinced himself he had no feelings for me so that he could end it, as he knows he can never come out. Now, he knows that his brother is also gay! He says he has so many things to think about such as talking to his brother. I think this might help him to come out, at least to his brother. He is from a conservative background and doesn't want to tell parents. What should I do? Wait and see? It is so hard when you love someone.