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Am I too close to my student? (lesbian)

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by joanne2020, Dec 16, 2013.

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  1. joanne2020

    joanne2020
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    Hello, highschool teacher here with a bit of an issue. There is a student in my class who seemed a little weird and doesn't have many friends so I befriended her by eating lunch with her sometimes and helping her with homework. I soon found that she was not weird at all but just... different. We began to hit it off and became really good friends and since we are both lesbians she usually comes to me for relationship advice. The other day she came to my class after school crying about her girlfriend cheating on her and I was so angry I shocked myself, but I was also happy in a way because she was now single. I felt horrible after feeling that way and tried to brush it off but a couple days ago we had this conversation:

    Student: Sorry I forgot my board again

    Me: Sometimes I think you forget that thing just to see me

    Student: Yeah just to see that horrible face

    Me: Haha you love my face

    Student: I love more than just your face

    That last comment made me blush and even turned me on a bit but I told her leave playfully so I wouldn't upset her although I was angry at her for making that comment. There are plenty of rumours going around of me and her sleeping together and scared of losing my job or worse. The student is graduating this school year so I can wait but Im scared if these rumours are already too widespread. What do I do?
     
    #1 joanne2020, Dec 16, 2013
  2. stumble along

    stumble along
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    You need to have a talk with her that you guys need to lock down and be very professional towards each other until the end of the year, and then after she graduates then you can resume whatever it is you two have in mind.

    Out of curiosity how old are the both of you? She has to be somewhere around 18 unless she's a genius, so I wouldn't see anything weird about pursuing after the fact
     
    #2 stumble along, Dec 16, 2013
  3. joanne2020

    joanne2020
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    She is 18 and I am 23
     
    #3 joanne2020, Dec 16, 2013
  4. MaineBiGuy

    MaineBiGuy Guest

    Don't do anything until she graduates. Then, you'll be free and clear. Seriously.

    Don't engage in conversations about it. Don't act on it. Wait. Graduation's in a few short months. Wait.

    Of course, there's a chance she'll enter into a relationship with someone else but then, the same holds true for you.

    I'm racking my brain thinking of a way you an clandestinely ask her to wait as well. Can't think of anything that won't get tracked back to you.
     
    #4 MaineBiGuy, Dec 16, 2013
    Last edited by a moderator: Dec 16, 2013
  5. confuzzled82

    confuzzled82
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    I must agree with the above posters. DO NOT let yourself get into a romantic relationship with her at this time. Just for clarity's sake, I would even wait a while after she graduates. Most states have laws prohibiting relations between teachers and students, and even an accusation of breaking those laws can be especially detrimental to one's career.
     
    #5 confuzzled82, Dec 16, 2013
  6. MaineBiGuy

    MaineBiGuy Guest

    To clear things up with the existing situation, do you trust this student? Does she have a reputation that you know of for being dishonest, underhanded or malicious? If she's an honest and good person, you can clear the air by arranging an interview between people who would be doing the interviews, like an inquest. Tell them you've heard rumors and for the sake of your job, you want to put them to rest. Be interviewed by the people and have the girl interviewed as well at another time. If your stories jive (or not jive, which would be more apt, you know?)

    If everything's on the level, just keep on keepin' on and let the rumors fly amongst the students. You know they're unfounded, the student knows they're BS and now, so do the other teachers and faculty.

    Until July...

    BUT UNTIL THEN! Keep it turse, keep it professional and most of all, never, EVER be seen together alone in a room. Until July. You two are gonna have a wonderful summer!


    ON THE OTHER HAND (my wife brought this up and it's a good point)

    Maybe you shouldn't even consider a relationship with her until at least a year after she graduates to avoid and appearance of impropriety - might bring up questions as to your relationship while she was in school. Such questions, inquiries and investigations could ruin your career before it takes off. So, for now, if you're contemplating cultivating a relationship with her, you have to ask yourself, which is more important, your career or a relationship that may or may not work out?

    Just be careful, okay?
     
    #6 MaineBiGuy, Dec 16, 2013
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  7. Chip

    Chip
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    Honestly, I strongly disagree with MaineBiGuy, because what he's saying fundamentally goes against the principles for why educational institutions don't allow students and teachers to have romantic/intimate interactions and even frown on close friendships.

    It has to do with boundaries. Even though there's only 5 years difference, right now, that seems like a lifetime to your student. If you think back to when you were in high school, there were teachers who may have only been a few years older than you, but you saw them in a completely different "league", more like parents.

    The whole concept of "just be careful" and "just wait until she graduates" is going against the spirit of why the rules are in place. There's a fundamental imbalance of power in the relationship, and it won't magically go away the day she graduates. She will still see you as her superior for quite some time, so starting up a relationship with her would not be healthy, psychologically, for her, and would be grossly unprofessional for you.

    Even if your school's policies don't expressly forbid it (many have policies that a relationship cannot occur for at least a year after a student graduates, for example), think about the "smell test" issue. If you suddenly find yourself in a relationship with her a month or two or three after she graduates... people will talk. It will undermine your integrity as a teacher and could even cost you your job. And it will certainly not help the cause of LGBT teachers trying to convince the public that their children are safe with an LGBT teacher taking care of them.

    Please, please, please for the good of your student, your own professional reputation, and the reputation of your school, don't even consider a relationship with her now, or after she graduates. It may be hard, but it is the right decision, and the healthy one.
     
    #7 Chip, Dec 16, 2013
  8. confuzzled82

    confuzzled82
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    This. Either don't get in a relationship with her at all, or wait until she's done with college. You'll both have matured significantly. For a relationship to be healthy, you need to see each other as peers.
     
    #8 confuzzled82, Dec 16, 2013
  9. MaineBiGuy

    MaineBiGuy Guest

    Those points were made in the second (edited) portions of my post and I agree. Somewhat.

    I wanted to ask someone out who worked at Walmart. She said she doesn't date customers. I told her, "So you don't date much? A lot of people shop here" She liked that I was able to make that connection and agreed to the date.

    Who hasn't ever fantasized about a teacher at some point? Make her fantasy a reality. Someday. (Not July, unfortunately)
     
    #9 MaineBiGuy, Dec 16, 2013
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