Giving up on pursuing gay friends?

Bottom line: How many straight guys do you know that have a lot of friends that are girls?

Of my friends, very few.

 

Working out pretty well for me!

Though I should start with a caveat: "giving up" is a bit of a strong term.
"Not actively trying to fill a quota" is good.
"Deciding gay people are a waste of your time" is not, however.
Let alone "Going back into the closet because this is too much work and I'd rather not deal with it!".

To give a personal example: when I started coming out, my friends made a lot of efforts to get me in contact with other gay people. None more than one of my friends who is gay himself (though we were friends way before either of us came out. Both being gay was wholly incidental).
And... it wasn't precisely a success. Oh, most of the people he introduced me to were pretty nice people allright. But we had different interests in general. And bonding over being gay didn't really work out all that well.
In fact, occasionally it seemed to lead to exasperation on both ends. They'd try to make a connection by finding common acquaintances, sharing stories about boyfriends past, using in-jokes apparently every gay person in Brussels would find funny... and be met with a completely blank stare from me. All of my "gay experience" lay in just having come out, which, to them, was something they vaguely remembered from 15 years ago. We might as well have been speaking a different language.

After a few times of this happening, I decided that I'd rather not spend evenings desperately trying to bond with people, when I already had friends I bonded with just fine. Sure, they had no clue what it was actually like being gay, but we'd align on pretty much all other interests.

Important point, however: even when I'm hanging out with friends or interacting with straight people, I make no secret of being gay. I'll not go out of my way to mention "by the way, I'm gay", but if the subject of relationships comes up (in my experience, it always seems to come up sooner or later), I have no qualms about mentioning where my interests lie.

As it turns out, for me, this works out pretty well. I have a fairly easy time bonding with people if we share interests (history, trivia, videogames, pulpy fantasy/sci fi novels etc.). And by sheer dint of chance, about 5-10% of people I meet that way happen to be gay. And with the rest, I have real friendship potential anyway!
On the other hand, if all I did was meet gay people, I'd have about 5-10% of them sharing other interests with me. Except that the whole "initial bonding" would be a lot harder if I have just "being gay" to work with.
Roughly same chance of meeting new gay friends, but one of them clearly works better for me.

Another important point: don't ever let bad experiences carry over. Maybe some gay guys you were talking to were cliquey or snubbed you, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't meet new people on their own merits. I know a few guys who spend their days bemoaning how they're "the straightest gay guys in the world" and how they can never really make gay friends, but won't even talk to a guy they know is gay because "he'll be just a waste of my time like the rest of them were!".

(final aside: I've since been on the other side. It can be rather baffling to have someone desperately trying to force a friendship. It sometimes feels like you're being jammed into an empty "best friend" slot, just because you're gay. So when that happened, I tried to keep a bit of distance, which might have come off as snubbing the person)

But yeah... sounds like you have a workable plan. Just always remain open to meeting new people and being open about yourself throughout!

 

I agree with what you concluded. I think you are trying to force yourself into a gay friendship. (Haha, lol that's funny to me) Making friends isn't like pursuing love. When you're trying to find mr. right, that's the thing, you're trying to FIND him. You're looking. You're on a quest if that makes sense.

With friends, it's different. You don't "look" for friends. At least, not in the sense you go out and do things and cross your fingers hoping someone my take interest! None of my close friendships happened that way at all! You make friends by just being yourself and being nice to other people, and eventually they realize "hey I like this person I want to be around them and talk to them more." Also keep an open mind, and don't be try to be friends with only one type of person (both boring and close-minded) Not saying you do that, but it certainly helps with making friends.

You shouldn't want a friend simply because they're gay and may relate to you/be interested. You want to be friends with anybody simply because you like them for who they are. If you keep this up, you may just befriend someone, and then you find out they happen to be gay! a gay friend is just that: a friend. They want to be around you for who you are as well, not because you're gay.

I have gay friends because I don't go looking for people: I'm just nice and then I happen to find out. Want to know how I know this works? I'm friends with 2 gay guys, 1 lesbian, 2 panssexuals, and 1 omnisexual. I also have a lot of straight friends too.

 

I've found similar findings as ryanalexander61

I've tried making friends with other gay men in the last couple of years. Problem is that while I was genuinely only looking for friendship (I wasn't flirting or sexting or anything), pretty much all of the guys that I was getting along with at one point or another came to me and said "I don't want to be just friends with you, I want us to date". And from there it quickly imploded, I would say "I'm not looking for that", and they decide they hated me now.

With my straight friends obviously I don't have this problem.

My (current) conclusion, if I am to make platonic gay friends, it can't be us hanging out one-on-one on a regular basis and constantly messaging each other several times every day, one of you two is eventually going to develop feelings for the other.

I'm thinking it can only work if it's hanging out in a group with other people at get-togethers every once in a while. Though I suppose if you are not even remotely compatible romantically it could also work.

 

Same. But then again I'm 13 .