I resent my mother

Hey...

I'm writing this in spurts, with whatever time throughout the night I can steal. No computer now that my mom's home- just an iPod and wherever I can sneak it.*

My mom's been home for less than twelve hours, back from a memorial/vacation in Florida. I had finals, couldn't afford to join them. So I stayed home and became my week to finally be myself. I was able to present male, be my own man, and for the first time since well before my father died, I was happy.*

Suicidal thoughts? I have them all the time. Keep thinking of how much better life would be if it was over with. Used to self harm too. But in that week I was alone, I didn't think of offing myself once. Hell. I actually felt great. Ready to kick ass. Still dysphoric but I could manage, cope. I felt great about myself, about life.*

Now that my mom's back? It's back to usual, which means I'm pathetic.

I don't know if there will be a point to this. More like a rant if anything.*

I'm moving out (hopefully) in a month but I don't know if I can take this. Mom's judgmental, doesn't accept me. If she's not accusing me of "being selfish" or not "being myself", she's snipping at me for wanting to be a man. Can't dress how I want, can't bind, because that'll "encourage my sisters to hate their breasts". My father's dead and I feel like I can't even grieve properly- I've got to keep worrying about being whoever my mom wants me to be while I'm under her roof.*

She's said she won't support me in my transition. And even when it comes down to it, she judges me for everything. My weight. My mannerisms. Can't even eat in front of her without feeling like she'll judge me for what or how I'm eating. Sometimes, I've skipped meals because of it.

I've made most of her meals for the past few years, homeschooled her kids, made myself into the daughter she wanted, and it's never been enough. If the house isn't clean, I'm blamed. If the kids act up, I'm blamed for not being able to contain them.*

I'm tired of not being able to stand up to her. I'm tired of my gut fucking clenching whenever I hear her enter the room. Tired of being someone I'm not for her. Tired of being afraid.

I've felt like this for years and wish I didn't- I resent her. She's easier to handle thousands of miles away, at least I don't have to hear her judging me.*

Don't know how to deal. Insight would be appreciated.*

 

Yeah... See, the thing is, she's always been like this. And I feel like I should be more sympathetic, especially with dad gone. He was the one who helped calm her down and help her see reason.

I've got three more weeks (at least) of living under her roof. But unless I move out of town, we'll be in the same city until late summer, when she's moving out to Florida with my young siblings.

I feel like with her around, I've got no power to be me. She won't listen to reason, she won't accept that this is the way I am or I won't change- if I'm not "her" daughter then I'm not her child and I'm BS.