LESBIAN/RELIGIOUS: leaving an emit. abusive relationship

hello dearest people on this site! it's been a very long time since i've posted. about 6-7 months. but I'm back again. :icon_redf

I had been in a relationship with the same girl for 2 years (today we are 20 and 19). Being my first same-sex relationship, i was a big newbie. i didn't understand that falling for a "straight" girl was a big no-no that would blow up in my face (..many many times over). I thought she was intriguing, partially mysterious, beautiful, charming, witty, and above all had gorgeous smoldering eyes. I was enamored immediately. Despite that she was extremely religious (muslim), we progressed. the first memories i have encountering her in high school are of her making me cry. which tells me something now doesn't it? anyway, i finally mustered the strength to go all the way, to end it and no amount of pleading, anger, crying, and desperation (where she kneeled down and asked me to marry her, or where she took off her scarf in the middle of the street so that we could now look like two plain ol' girls in love) could stop me. It's been three days, and as much as i feel i have made the right decision and my counselor at uni also supports me setting up boundaries, i am still hurt. how can i possibly feel this way when i know in my bones our relationship dynamic was poisonous? toxic? unhealthy? i really need the warmth of this community to shine through and show me I'm not crazy..or that I'm not making a huge mistake.

Yesterday i visited a mutual friend (who i've known much longer than she). This mutual friend dropped her name and told me she had come out to her friends and family and that everyone was so encouraging and accepting and that since she feels so good today she doesn't want her stuff back anymore and i snapped. i went insane. i was so mad thinking about it, what a fucking huge coward you are, you decided to do that now and get to reap the benefits when you were in no hurry to do that with me. you just wanted to run away with money saved up like bonnie and clyde and never be honest with your homophobic friends and family. :tears: i immediately smashed the box of letters and small gifts i had put together. and i realized…most of all the things i put in that box were from ME to HER. of course she doesn't want it back, she never gave me anything. i stood at the park by a trashcan, lighting all of them on fire, because ripping it up just didn't take the pain away..erasing it from existence seemed to do better. I woke up this morning and cried twice already..please reply with your thoughts or words of advice. thank you to all who bothered to read a story of a stranger's life.

 

thank you SongshiQuan, (*hug*)the days passing are slow, but I'm getting there.