First meet up 2 year long distant lovers PLEASE HELP!

Hey guys this is my first time on a blog and doing something like this, but I need some answers and there are very few people in my life, if at all I can go to about this problem. The one person I would normally talk to about any and everything is my boyfriend but sadly that's who I'm having this slight problem with.

So here's the deal, I'm a in the closet bi sexual 20 year old guy, I love hard and a sucker for romance and love and all. I've never been in a "real" relationship, before I met my current boyfriend. Even when I use to date females it was just short flings and sometimes I had strong feelings but would get hurt in the end by a girl. Now that I feel like I'm truly in love with a guy I have been happier than ever.

My boyfriend and I started talking 2 years ago on a dating app/website (I know bad idea but like I said I'm not out yet and wasn't sure where to meet guys) and instantly clicked. The down side was he lived in Connecticut and I live in Chicago, but We had similar sense of humors and both have really nice bodies(his is better than mine) but were both active and interested in fitness. We both were in the closet and bi sexual and I found out he's still a virgin not being intimate with a man not women (which still bothers him to this day) Now when we first started talking we were also talking to other people and we let each other know that and continued to bond but I started liking him more than he liked me, or so I thought, and was crushed when he told me him and another guy he talked to made it official. Now I was hurt but kept it moving and started talking more to other guys which he didn't like but he understood he couldn't have his cake and eat it to (lol) we continued to talk on the phone and Skype each other just as friends as we pursued our separate intimate lives and supported each other although is get depressed every time he talked about his boyfriend because I wasn't him.

During this time I was a senior in HS and he was already graduated and was just working and pursuing being a bodybuilder. Our talking started to dwindle as months went on as I was trying to let him go and focusing on my studies and getting to the college of my choice. It got to a point where we completely stopped talking during like the final month I had of school through the whole summer and didn't start talking again until late in my 1st semester of college. I was excited to hear from him again and we caught up and laughed and what not and I slowly felt our connection reforming. In the midst of our reconnection he talked about how his bf, who lived in ATL, went off to the air force and their relationship basically fell apart because they hadn't talked in so long. I felt bad and comforted him as much as I could from miles apart, and he got over it.

That's when everything started moving uphill we weren't together but started talking more and more making each other happy and eventually some how we claimed each other. I still don't know how it happened but we became a couple and I still remember the first time he said I love you. And we began trying to plan our first meeting which included me going to New York the past summer. We both were excited planning it out and talked everyday. but complications worse when we realized we couldn't afford it. But he persisted and really wanted to be with me and continued to talk me up when I was down. Finally we pushed it off until late December New Years which is coming up . I bought my ticket and everything and I'll be staying at his apartment and I've been getting excited because I simply love him and although this is just the first visit I honestly can see living my life with him which is something we both talked about and want.

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On a side note if you're really still reading I am so very grateful because I do need help I just thought it was important to know the back story before helping me with the situation but were getting down to the issue now. So the weeks leading up into this one have been great as we continue to talk non stop and everything else and I think were both getting excited about New Years. But there had been something gnawing at the back of mind for a couple of weeks and it's this new friend he told me he made at work,(works at subway). Now I know my man and know how hard it is for him to make friends and all so I know this is an accomplishment for him and at first I was happy for him until he told me that even after they close him and his new buddy still stay and talk for hours after that and have these heart to hearts, he even told him that he was bi sexual which he has never shared with anyone else including his family, my boyfriend keeps trying to reassure me that I have nothing to worry about because his friend is straight and all he does is talk about girls and I say ok but I still feel uneasy about him. This past week I felt he has been spending more time talking to his new "buddy" than me he even calls him after they leave work and I'm use to my man'a attention to be mine after he gets off. So I've been feeling real iffy about the whole situation. My boyfriend has been honest for the years I've known him and is real sweet. Like at least he isn't hiding his new friendship and it wasn't something I asked about he just came out the blue and shared it with me.

Idk if I'm just over thinking things or not but my feelings got even worse yesterday when I was on the phone with my bf and I asked him "can you believe were finally going to be with each other in less than 2 weeks?" And he responded "yeah! Ik I've been kinda nervous about it actually." And I responded jokingly because I understand being nervous "what's there to be nervous about, you bet not be getting cold feet" he replies "oh of course not, whatever that means" and I laugh because Ik my bf is naive and we have a lot of moments where I have to explain terms to him and I say "cold feet is like when you have second thoughts abou-" and he cuts me off and says "oh then yeah I have been having second thoughts like should I be doing this...." I remain silent for a minute after hearing that knowing second thoughts and nervous are different and I try to ask him what he means and tell him that's not a good thing. I express to him if he's having second thoughts maybe I shouldn't come and he said "no I never said I didn't want you to come but I'm just nervous...." we had a long discussion about it with me trying to figure him out but it ended in him getting irritated and me having wondering thoughts and he said I'm overthinking things and I said we should probably sleep on it and he said ok and we said I love you and goodnight.

So I need help fellas I don't know how to interoperate what he's saying. I do know cold feet or having second thoughts is never good and he wouldn't tell me what the cause of this was he just kept saying idk. But then again he wants me to still come. At this point idk if he's only saying that because he doesn't want to let me down and if that's the case I'd rather him be true to himself rather than worrying about me and I told him that and he said he's fine he's just nervous. Idk what to do...am I just overthinking?


P.s sorry if there's a lot of typos or grammatical errors typed this on my phone I swear I'm not this messy with my typing usually it's just late/early at 5:30am haven't been able to sleep and I needed to get this off my chest.

 

Thank you so much for responding Todd, you put a lot of things into my head to think about.

To clarify what you asked about him being intimate with men, in yes he hasnt been intimate in any shape or form with a male, I don't even think he dates guys in his area and he's never kissed guy. He's told me that he has gotten close to having sex with women but he was to "chicken" to follow through so he has only gone far as fondling and kissing women. He expresses he's just frustrated that he hadn't had sex period either it be with man or woman he felt like he's too old to be a virgin. (he's only 20 turning 21 in February)
Also i expressed that i'm only interested in being around him, and we don't even have to sex if he doesn't want to and he was almost offended that I even suggested that saying thats "out of the question" My boyfriend talks a lot about what he would like to with me without me even bringing it up, if anything he talks about sex more than I do so I don't think im pushing him to do anything, and thats the last thing i wanna do.

Now for the staying with him part, it was his idea in the first place, and he has room mates(who aren't gonna be there during the week im there) so im sure he's used to having people being in his space, but then again maybe me being there is still causing him to be nervous.

 

Thanks a lot Todd, Im definitely taking what you said to heart and gonna try to do just as you said when we talk tonight, hopefully if he isn't upset about last night seeing as I hung up on him twice. Not in anger, like i told him I was gonna call him back in a few the first time and that i just wanted to get my thoughts together after what he told me, and when i did call him back he had sort of a tude and expressed his dislike that I wanted to hang up. Then I hung up again again after we talked some more. There was this long awkward silence between us and I could tell he was irritated and thats when I suggested we sleep on it, and he exhaled heavily and said "Sleep on what?!" and i told him i just didn't wanna irritate him further and make myself think further(although I have been thinking of the matter all day, literally only had 3 hours of sleep) and we weren't saying anything and he gave me a dry sort of ok. So hopefully he's not upset with me. But thats getting off topic. Thank you so much again! =D

 

So I think my bf is really pissed at me I haven't heard from his sense we had our discussion Wednesday night. We hadn't talked at all thursday and i didn't send him a text until late that night, and I didn't get a response i even called him figured he wouldn't pick up but left a voice message to tell him i would REALLY like to talk. Hardly got any sleep and still no sign of communication today I sent him a good morning text like we usually do but no response and thats all from my side. Im really trying not to blow up his phone with calls and texts because i figured he may need his space but its hard especially sense he's never done this to me before and like I said im suppose to be leaving to finally meet him New York in 10 days. I feel like the silent treatment shouldn't be an option right now and we should work through whatever is we're going through, after thinking about it I don't think our discussion was a big deal and we've had worse, and he's never acted like this before matter of fact we make up like the day after an argument. Idk what i should do every hour i don't hear from him my heart feels like it gets heavier, and like i said i haven't really been able to sleep or really eat since then what should i do?

 

Well he finally texted me back a couple minutes ago with bad news he told me he was thinking about it and maybe we should do this another time, and he's sorry he waisted my money but he's not ready and wouldn't have the money to do the things we wanted to do. I called him right after I read it and he sounded really depressed and i told him money isn't a big issue we don't have to do a LOT I just wanted to spend time with him. He replied "then what are we gonna do?' I replied we don't have to go out or anything we can go to the park watch movies play games etc for all i care" and he said "ok, that was the biggest of my worries, the money" So we're still going to see each other. He said he wasn't mad at me but his voice was real low and cold so idk. He told me he was about to get ready to go to the gym and he'd talk to me later. (hopefully thats later today and not later as in a few days) Im feeling a lot better now that i have heard from him, but I just want him to be happy to and it doesn't sound like he is, so i'm still not feeling all the way %100.

 

So idk what do now my bf basically just broke up with me He sent a long text message saying we should just be friends and we should talk to people who we can chill with and go to the movies with he said this going to be hard and we'll be sad and he doesnt want me to think he's seeing anybody cause he's not and wont be for a while because of this, he said he doesn't ant to live a fairy tale and he's having second thoughts about new years because after that when would be the next time we would see each other (which we talked about before planning and paying for the trip) He said he's sorry to be doing this right before we see each other but he feels it would make it harder if we saw each other and if i loved him I would let him go...

I called him right after and we were on the phone for a while and i was mostly talking I could tell he really didn't want to do this and i was telling him that love isn't about giving up and how he has made my life better etc at times i felt like i was getting through to him and then he would keep saying i love you so i gotta let you go but i don't believe thats what love is about love is about fighting for each other and only fading love lets go and our love has been doing nothing but growing, and were so close to making that first step to being together for good. And he told me he would want to see me everyday and he couldnt wait til spring, which was the next time we were gonna see each other after new years..

.idk what to do, and said he doesn't know either and he told me he was going to call me later today to talk about it more but I feel like my body has been torn apart. I was putting everything into this trip it was ALL i was looking forward to. Like my family hasn't been doing well financially lately and ik i wasn't getting a thing for the holidays but i didn't care because i was gonna have the man i love, but now what?