I've been with my husband for nine years. I have been extremely unhappy in my marriage for over two years now....to the point where I have considered divorce in the past. We have been struggling over the past two years to make things better, but my heart isn't in it. But I am completely paralyzed by fear of actually taking that step and leaving. I don't want to be a single mother. I don't want to look back in 6 months or a year and realize that I made a huge mistake. On paper, my husband is literally the perfect guy. He's extremely good looking, intelligent, has a great career, is very devoted to our family. He loves me more than anything and is willing to go WAY above and beyond what most men would do in order to keep our family together. He is honestly the guy that most women would DIE to have. But something is just not there between us. I am not sexually attracted to him at all anymore (I think I used to be at one point, but that's been a long time ago). And since I began having my affair with my GF (I suppose I can call her that...lol), it has just made our sex life that much more forced and painful. Which, in turn, causes me a lot of anger and resentment that spills over into our marriage. So now I am torn. If I leave, I would be giving up my marriage, my family, the life I've known for 9 years. And I am scared to death that I will be making a huge mistake. But I'm worried that if I stay and try to salvage the marriage, that I will basically be living a completely unfulfilled life just to make everyone else happy. I'd love to hear from anyone who has dealt with something similar. I'm so lost right now.
Does your husband know about your girlfriend? I always think that you can still be an effective parent even if you're not married to each other. It is not fair to your husband to have someone that is not sexually compatible, and obviously your other relationship is going to be hard on your girlfriend (i.e. how long does she want to stay as a "mistress"). How old are your kids?
Yes, my husband knows about her. For awhile he *tried* to tolerate the affair, but quickly found that it was too difficult for him to handle....so we've basically gone on the DL. He has literally bent over backwards trying to make me happy and trying to salvage our relationship. Most men would have bolted a long time ago. Our kids are 5 and 2.5. My husband has been through divorce before and that's why I think he's trying to avoid it at all costs. As far as she goes, well that's a very convoluted story. She knew from the get-go that I was married and had children. And I think initially, she was thinking that this would just be a fling. Honestly, at this point, I have no idea where I stand with her because we've never had "the talk." She will drop comments occasionally that make me think that she wants a long-term relationship with me. But then other times, I get the feeling that she's not that serious. I am terrified of putting myself out there and asking her....basically for fear that she doesn't feel the same way I do. She has told me on multiple occasions that if I weren't married, that she would want to be with me. But I honestly think that she thinks I have no intentions of leaving my husband.
Do you think you're bisexual or lesbian? You should really ask the hard questions with your girlfriend, even if that means she might confirm your fears. You're only delaying the inevitable if you try to just play along. Overall, I think it's best for your kids if you get divorced when they're young than much older. From what I've read, divorce when kids are older can be much more stressful. It's sounds hard, but I grew up with two very different parents who were always in conflict, and my mom suffered a lot staying with my dad. I think a lot of my social aversion problems would have been avoided had I been living with my mom, who also would be supportive of me coming out. So, I feel like growing up with both my parents left me stunted. As I said before, honesty and fairness to everyone involved will help you no matter what. Your husband at least seems to be the type that won't be vindictive after you divorce.
