Feeling alone

(*hug*)
I'm sorry this is happening to you. I can't say I know what it feels like, but I can understand it must be horrible.
Look forward to your holiday and try to mingle with people out of the house if you can

 

Closet88,
My dad was an alcoholic and my mom told me one night while I was trapped in a long car ride home with her that he thought all the male friends I have over I'm taking them upstairs to my room and screwing them. Well they really were just my friends - (sorry to disappont you readers out there looking for a juicy tidbit) - but yes my mom proceeded to comfort me by saying she had told my dad, "How can you say that about your own son. He wouldn't do that, he's not gay." She told me, "I know you're not a homosexual. It was so mean of him to say that about you."
So yeah besides hating getting trapped in long car rides, I DO UNDERSTAND and I'm sorry you are stuck in this emotionally toxic situation. I hope the day is coming soon where you can get away from that and move on to something much happier. Just know that it will happen.
Until then, do whatever you have to do. Come out to a friend(s) you can trust if you're not out already, go to groups if they are available, build yourself a support system that can start with EC and hopefully round itself out with some real-life support as well.
If you can, get a female friend or a friend's sister to pose as your girlfriend to your parents. Do whatever you have to do.

 

Hi Closet88 - I am a lot older than you and am in the process of coming out. This will pass my friend...it will get easier. I would suggest small steps - initially confiding in one person, either one of your mates who you can trust or a friend of the family maybe or someone you work with or study with? Someone you can be your true self with. There is no rule that says you have to come out to everyone - it is your business. But to feel less alone - it helps t have at least one person you can talk to. And then take it from there. And of course you can keep posting on here too. One thing I will say is that it is lot easier to come out when you are young than when you are a lot older and have a family. I have found Tom Daley an inspiration and envy his freedom. Courage mon brave.

 

Posted by Closet88:

Closet88,
To put things into context, for me this was years in the past. I'm 36 now and I was probably about your age when this conversation in the car with my mom happened. My dad eventually cleaned up his drinking and died several years ago. I never came out to him. I never told a soul I was gay until I was 29 and seven years later, thats my only regret is that I waited so long. I've missed out on so much that is hard to make up for.
I never had the best family life, but I lucked out and made a pretty good group of friends and especially a group of brothers who are my closest friends. I essentially couldn't find family within my own family, so I went out a found a family of my own. And it really happened that way, Thanksgiving, Christmas...all the holiday I'd spend over at my best friend's house. Their aunts and uncles all knew me even and year after year were happy to see me and always talked to me and made me feel very welcome. It was truly special because I finally got to experience what an extended family was like that I never enjoyed with my own family. I was and still am one of them. Yet I knew them over ten years before I came out of the closet.

Part of why I finally came out was them, if they were going to reject me, I didn't want them to feel like I cheated them and wasted their time being friends with me when they could've spent that time with a straight friend. So I told my best friend and finally everyone and no one person had anything negative to say, I was still the same person to them and they loved me. Something to this day, I still don't feel I could possibly get from anyone in my own family. At the very least, the people I hardly ever see, even on holidays, I would still lose their respect.

So yeah, to answer your question, I'm out to all my friends, but no, I've never told my mom. I don't try and hide it and if she ever came out and asked me I wouldn't hide it. But at this point, I have some rough feelings on that, I don't really want to come out to her or have any urge to. I'm 36, she's got to know something is up, yet she'll still try and say things like, "Oh look at that girl, she's nice..blah blah blah". And I have some anger there to, she at some level, knows I'm gay and in all those years, it would've lessened my pain, my self-hatred, my loneliness, my agony over being gay which I felt for many years in my teens and twenties, she could've lessened that just a little bit by just saying, "Its okay" just once-and she never did - and a part of me holds that against her now - so its almost like even though she's my mother, I don't have enough respect for her, I don't feel she deserves to know that much about my life, because she never tried to understand me and help me - she only thought of herself.
Its not really that healthy I know. But I come from a dysfunctional family. And sometimes the prescribed, politically correct, text-book answer to a problem doesn't always work for us because theres too many factors to calculate the problem cleanly.
So when I give advice on here, when someone tells the story of their parents and it seems like their parents are so rigid in their thinking and maybe so religious that they might never accept them for who they are. I take the time to remind that person that the only real expectations you need to live up to are your own. Be the person you were truly meant to be, if you stay true to yourself people will flock to an individual with strength of character and for every 1 person who rejects you for being gay, you'll have ten more lining up to love you for who you are. And don't ever let anyone tell you what God thinks of you. You have a good heart and a conscience and if you trust in that, you'll get far more insight as to how God feels about you than anyone else can possibly tell you or quote from a book.

Ok I better quit I'm starting to get preachy and babble on here, but just know that it will get better. You won't have to hide forever. Not only was my Dad an alcoholic, but he was physical abusive as well. Get yourself self-sufficient and get away, make friends, build an emotional support system for yourself. go to school and get a good job, network and eventually you'll have the means to raise up.
GOOD LUCK

 

Closet88, I can understand your worries although the reality of it may not be as bad as you fear. Your friends may still see you as the same person as they did before. How well do you know them? And remember - you don't have to come out to all of them. Just start with one - whom you trust. A counsellor can help too, yes. Worrying about the 'what ifs' can magnify things - the reality is often not as bad as you might be thinking. So you like guys...so what!

 

How's it going Closet88?

 

Hey buddy, how did I not find this sooner. I am so, so sorry. I wish I could just come over there and hold you! I will PM you about this ASAP.

 

I hope things are getting better for you, and if you ever need to chat, just send a poston my page, you are never alone on here! heres a smile for you

 

Sorry your dad acted that way...

Make a game plan to become financially independent so you can remove yourself from the situation somewhat.

 

Dear Closet88,

I am very sorry what's going with your dad. His behaviour is absolutely unacceptable!
I think it is time for you to move away from your parents. I know it is probably not easy but it's gonna be very good for you. Also, if you have any close friends, talk to them and see if they can help you somehow. Sometimes friends can be very helpful in these kind of situations. I know they are still your parents but you have to start living your own life and not depend on your parents, especially when this happens at home.

I hope you figure out the situation and everything will be fine. I wish you best of luck! Stay strong!

 

Although my situation was not much to compare (single parent, and Mom did not drink, but she was verbally abusive, financially dependent on me, and manipulative) I do want to offer my advice.

Although terribly cliche, moving apart from your parents is important whether they're supportive or alcoholic. Children grow, children adapt, children move onward. Staying with your parents for excessive amounts of time after exiting the "need" (in the case of America, it'd be 18) stage is harmful to you, them, and your relationship with them.

... That being said, life rarely (if ever) follows the ideal and desired course. Financially, there is a huge gap between leaving your parents' fully furnished and supported home onto living on your own, in a fully furnished apartment, studio, or partially furnished room in a shared home. Usually, working during your last years in public education helps lessen this gap but it still exists regardless.

However, I would suggest college/dorm... although it carries its own special issues (living with others, dealing with others, no "personal space", etc.) it would vastly improve your lifestyle. If for no other reason than to be apart from your father. But more importantly, it is living quarter specifically tailored to suit kids, from all walks of life, exiting their parents' nest and entering their own.

Anyways, just a suggestion or two. I didn't want to spend much time discussing the merits of moving out because, well, they're clear enough that they're beyond dispute. You deserve better than your father. Good luck, have fun.

----

I wanted to add that I am deeply sorry for how your parents acted. As most others have alluded to, it'd be wise to not tell them you are gay until after you are financially independent. Simply for your safety and wellbeing.

 

I am glad you are taking an optimistic attitude towards it.

 

it's okay - you're not alone. My dad is the same way (though not alcoholic; my mother is) and they've both had doubts about my sexuality. I can never claim to know exactly what you are going through, but my dad gets extremely angry occassionally - to the point where it's terrifying, and I don't want to be at home and he cusses at me, etc. which you obviously are familiar with.

You are not alone. Remember - no matter what he is feeling, he has no right to feel that way. However, he is human and has his own insecurities and was probably brought up in a sort of un-accepting environment, so he does not know how to deal with people who are not strictly heterosexual. You have to remember there is nothing wrong with you; he is just incapable of handling his emotions in a healthy way.

You could always ask your mom to talk to him (unless this would make him more angry) or even consider therapy. Either way, have hope that you will be able to move out eventually and he has no right to instill that kind of fear in you. You are not alone & you will get through this. Best of luck :^)

 

If you can cancel the vacation and get the money refunded back to you...figure out what's more important to you: 4 months of peace or this vacation? Then take action accordingly.