Hi All I am an Indian gay man here in US; I always knew I am gay since I was 14-15 and was content with it. I recently came out to my parents after the usual Indian arranged marriage talks came up. My parents have remarkably accepted me well. I plan to get married (same sex marriage/LTR) to a relationship-oriented gay man here in US. I prefer a Desi/Indian gay man here in US, just coz we would be of same culture. I've also registered at a couple of gay dating sites. I have spoken to quite a few good decent educated Indian gay men and while we've had a lot in common with respect to lifestyle, culture, expectations, coming out, family pressures and issues, etc., what I fail to understand is everyone wants to take it slow. They want to just be friends and keep their options open and just expect the perfect man/prince to come and sweep them off their feet etc. etc. I hope we all find our perfect mates but perfect doesn't exist, let's be realistic. If one keeps his options open for long and chooses to remain in dating phase forever, age wouldn't stop incrementing and then? I mean, I have no right whatsoever to convince them to change their views. But I am in early 30s now and if I am unable to find my partner in a few years then I might be too old for marriage and who knows, I might not even contemplate marrying. Not that there's an age for love but why not to make a relatively sensible decision at the right age and settle with a decent partner who may not be perfect as your dreams but one who is loving, honest and ready to adjust with you. No two people can be alike and any marriage, be it straight or gay/lesbian is about 2 people who like each other (and may be love each other to some extent) to live together, share the pains and joys of life together and be with each other and support each other for life, right? My issue is how to find a partner who thinks like me and why are all the gay men I'm meeting online differ from me so much and just want to be friends. I haven't registered on the gay dating sites for just friends. Surely, I can start with friends but eventually it has to come down to dating unless one of us dislike each other for any reason. Why are Indian/desi gay men in US so non-committal? My post was long so thanks for reading it. No vicious/negative comments please.
Hmm. This isn't intended to be an attack in any way, but my first reaction in reading your post is that you may be running up against a cultural issue. The Western European/American cultural tradition says that relationships/marriage should be based on mutual love and attraction (based on many different factors) rather than issues of 'sensibility'. To be honest in reading your post, I felt like you were describing something closer to a business transaction than anything romantic or where love is involved. This may be because that is how Indian culture does it, or it may just be your personal interpretation of the culture or how my particular cultural biases as an American/product of Western European culture are interpreting what you're saying. I honestly don't know. However, I would suggest that this could be the reason for the problem you are facing. Perhaps because: a) Your fellow Indian/Desi gay men have rejected the cultural tradition that treats relationships as an arrangement in which factors like 'sensibility' are important and have chosen to follow the American/Western model of looking for romance and a 'spark' as a driving factor toward a relationship. This may be the result of having grown up in America/Europe and having absorbed its culture in this area. Or they could have had a far less accepting experience re their sexuality and how their families reacted to it and have rejected the culture as a response to that. b) You are all following the same model which, while it may work when a third party is arranging the relationship (such as the arranged marriage that you would have done if you weren't gay), doesn't work so well when you are trying to 'do it yourself'. You are all looking at issues of sensibility and best structure and the like and this is driving a habit of just continuing to 'shop' because of the fear that there might be a better 'deal' out there. c) You are working with such a small subset of the population that your choices are limited and you just haven't found the right guy yet. Perhaps you should consider broadening your search to include relationship oriented men who are not necessarily of Indian/Desi background? Yes, there will be some cultural differences. But differences can be attractive and sometimes can complement each other and lead to a stronger relationship overall. If you're looking at the US population, you probably wont' find guys who are as focused on being 'sensible', but you may find someone you really click with and like and you certainly have a larger dating pool. d) Sort of related to (c), based on what I've seen here on EC, you could just be experiencing your particular version of what many/most other people experience with dating sites. While there are some people who have nearly immediate success, the vast majority seem to go a long time without meeting someone who they are compatible who wants to go to the point of actually dating or even meeting. Hang in there and possibly consider broadening the range of guys you are looking to meet. Hope this helps, Todd
I was born and raised in the US, but my parents came from India. I almost have the opposite feeling of not being into other Indian guys because I have a bias that they will be too tied to Indian culture (no doubt their parents try to shield them and encourage hanging out with others from the same religious/ethnic group). Part of this happens to be what you describe: guys who are still uncomfortable due to parent (and relative) pressures. Also, Indian families don't allow kids to have dating or other useful social experiences that help their children learn about how relationships (in the western sense) develop. I definitely agree that you should keep your options wider than just Indians. Indian gays are a minority among minority, and so it will be hard to find someone who's a good fit in terms of personality.
I would have to agree with others above. I'm an Indian living in the US, but haven't started any relationship/dating so far because i think i'm not ready for it, for now. You should probably broaden your search for the right partner. I know it can be problem culturally with americans/non-desi, but as resu pointed out..... we are a subset of a subset
