I'm not particularly sure where to start, so I guess I'll give you a bit of information about myself and this situation. I'm a college freshman, so moving out of the home I had lived in for the past 11 years was exciting and nerve-wracking at the same time. In addition, I had been nervous about going potluck, but in the end I got the best roommates I could have asked for. I'm out to all three of them, and they're all very accepting of me (even the one who has a Confederate flag in his room!). However, there is one slight hitch that's been bothering me lately. When I first moved into my dorm, I didn't find myself attracted to any of my roommates; they seemed cool, but weren't anything special. However, as time went on, I found myself becoming particularly attracted to one of them. By October, I found that I was absolutely smitten by him – and boy, am I still in love! Needless to say, it's been a burden on me. I know that the rule is to never, ever get involved with your roommate, and that's something that I'll have to deal with for the next five months until we move out. However, what's been just as hard as concealing my feelings has been finding out whether he's even gay or bisexual himself. I hate to appeal to stereotypes, but there are so many things he's done that point at him being gay. One instance was when I was watching the Ellen DeGeneres show. He came into the living room, saw what I was watching, and – complete with limp wrists – said "ooh, I love Ellen!" while sitting next to me rather eagerly. This was before I came out to him. In addition, he has a slightly high pitched voice, and when he added me on Facebook, I looked to see if he indicated whether he was interested in guys or girls. There was nothing there (despite the fact that he took the time to indicate that he is single). He never seems to bring up his love life, even when I bring up mine. The list goes on and on, but long story short, I can't even tell if he's gay or not. From what I can tell, his family is rather conservative. He comes from a Southern Baptist background, so I can see why it might be hard for him to come out if he is gay. Not even my other roommates or our RA (who he talks to) can tell if he's gay. I guess I'm trying to see what other people think of the situation (whether he's gay or bisexual) based on what I've shared here, and what course of action I should take. I'd really appreciate any advice from y'all, and thanks for taking the time to read this and respond!
I don't think there is really a sure-fire way to tell if someone is Bi/Gay from their day to day actions alone. So I will not speculate in this case. I'd say, why not just ask him? If your room-mates and friends. I don't think any major harm can come from it if you do so in a supportive, non-confrontational manner. Also with you being out he'd hopefully realise that your not going to persecute him or anything because of it. I think knowing for sure servers two purposes. Firstly, if he's off limits to you it will help you "move on" although it will suck at the same time knowing they are out of reach in the long run it's a good thing. I think if you are busy having a crush on someone it blinds you to other possibilities of finding happiness, sure if there is a chance of a positive outcome it's ok to have hopes and dreams... But when you know for sure there is no hope of a happy ending, what's the point in all that longing for it. My next part of advice is brought on by my current state of extreme loneliness, so bare that in mind. = ) Secondly, if you find out he is Gay/Bi/Curious/Confused/Ect. Tell him how you feel and hope he is into you and maybe you can be together and live happily ever after! Obviously it's up to you to weigh the risk VS reward, but if you think things can be civil between all parties if things don't go as planned why not take a chance of something awesome? Alternatively you could just be friends with him and see what happens, or you could wait the 5 months until you move out and then tell him so there is less chance of a huge fallout if things go awry. All the best with it, whatever you decide to do.
^Agreed If you're worried about asking, a good way to start might be to say: "can I ask you something without it affecting our friendship?" or something
Yeah, I really think that's a great idea! With WhiteShadows's idea of leading into it (by making sure that asking won't ruin our friendship), then I think it could go well. However, I have two issues that come with asking him: he'll wonder why I was asking if he was gay or not, and if he's not gay, I'll have to deal with the heartbreak. Obviously if he's gay, things will be super easy. I can tell him that I asked because he struck me as having gay mannerisms, and I won't have to deal with heartbreak (at least for the moment) as I know that there is a greater chance of us being together. However, if he's not gay, things will be really awkward between us since I asked, and I'll have to get over him (which is a lot easier said than done). There are just so many ways this could go!
...but living in limbo can be worse than knowing the truth, whether it be what you want to hear or not.
Yeah, there are always many ways these things could go. Sadly there is no way to know until you take a chance. I wouldn't worry to much about things being awkward or anything like that, in time everything will go back to normal (it might even become a "haha" moment between you). Just approach the situation with slightly-restrained openness and honesty and you will be fine. I agree with what ryanalexander61 has said. It's better to know than to be left wondering. If things don't go wrong you can start the healing process and start moving on. If things go the way you want, think of all that time that could have been wasted or was wasted on wondering when you could have been together! That being said, don't rush into it. Make sure you've thought things through and then take that (informed) leap of faith. Good luck with it!
If you're good friends, it shouldn't really matter in the end You'll never know if you don't go for it
Then start simpler. Invite him to a Spectrum meeting/event/party and see how he interacts. You mention him being a Freshman from a conservative family, so maybe he is dealing with internalized homophobia issues. I was in a similar boat when I started college and it took me two full years to come out to myself and others. Simply asking him may or may not yield a true answer. Oh, and WDE
That's actually a better idea than asking! I was just thinking about the fact that he could lie about his sexuality. There was one point earlier this month where we were watching National Lampoon's Christmas Vacation and he talked about wanting to have a "large family" gathering like theirs... including his "wife and kids." But a part of me truly thinks that he's deep in the closet despite knowing I'm gay. I mean, I could be wrong, but my gut (and literally 99% of my friends – only one has said that he thought my roommate is straight) is telling me that he is indeed gay and closeted, so asking may not work. I know that Spectrum is having a welcome back social at the beginning of the spring semester, and I was actually just elected to an officer position in the group, so I could also use my new position as an excuse to have him swing by and see what it's like! He seems to have gay role models such as Ellen DeGeneres, but I don't think he has many gay friends (he certainly has a lot of girl – friends though!). Maybe that might help him find himself a little more if he is in the closet. Thanks for your input! War Damn and let's beat FSU!!
