Hey guys, So I'm going to start calling Nick, which is obviously a fake name, Alex, because that's fake too but it's closer to the real thing so it's easier for me to remember. Anyways, Alex asked me if he could call me his boyfriend, and I said no, but gave him the true reason why - I want the term "boyfriend" to have actual meaning and imply a deep emotional connection that takes time to develop. He's totally okay with that, and I'm glad he asked. Anyways, it unintentionally got me thinking. When he asked me that, I seriously considered saying yes. I'm severely tempted to rush things along so that I can be in a proper relationship again, but I've decided that that wouldn't be fair to him or to me, so I want to take it at a more steady pace. The thing is, it's getting close to Christmas, and everybody knows that emotions get stirred up and forced to the surface during the holidays. And I miss Sebastian a lot. Don't get me wrong, I don't love him, I don't miss him as a person, and I don't want him back. Or at least I don't want to want to have him back. To be clear, it's not Sebastian that I miss. It's the intense emotional connection that I miss. That kind of thing takes time to develop, and I'm severely tempted to try to accelerate things so that I can have that again with Alex right now. But I don't want to rush because I'm afraid of turning what we have into a meaningless rebound for me. Most of the problem is me and my emotionally fragile state of mind, because you have to understand, even though on the surface I may seem like I'm so polished and good at relationships to Alex, I'm really not. I've only been with one guy aside from him. So I feel like I'm often flailing in the wind not knowing what the hell I'm doing. And part of it comes back to the fact that I'm extremely thanatophobic (adj. fear of death). Statistically, I have about 80 years to live, as does everybody else. I'm 20. That means I have about 60 years of life remaining until I risk disappearing into oblivion, and that's really not a lot of time. I don't want to waste my time trying to build a happy life for myself. I just want to be happy. I guess what it all boils down to is that, really, I just want to be happy. And I'm not. I'm depressed and anxious and sick to my stomach thinking about the future all the time. I don't know what to do. I want a quick fix that will suddenly go poof and voila, I'm married to a perfect husband and have a perfect job and a perfect life. But quick fixes don't exist. So I don't know what the hell to do. Help.
hmm. I think that you know what to do but you are looking for some other way around. You reminded me of this novel: http://www.amazon.com/Mr-Theodore-Mundstock-Ladislav-Fuks/dp/B0006BU0RQ It's a story from the WWII about a man who was so terrified that he would be taken to the concentration camp that he built one at his home - to learn how to survive the daily suffering. At the end of the book he is indeed deported, but he gets killed in a car accident before he reached the camp. My point is, you can't make a plan and rely on it too much and believe that it will bring you happiness. Rushing things to get sooner to your goal will not help if you act out of reason, not out of love. I am not talking about your career, but when it comes to love live for today, enjoy the friendship and don't worry what will happen in the next 80 years. (*hug*)
:/ hm, I think you are over thinking everything to the max. Life is not a formula, and the future is definitely something you build, nothing is set in stone. I don't know much about your situation, but I could gather that you were in an emotional relationship with "Sebastian" but you guys broke it off... now there's a new guy called "Alex" who is trying to be in your life. In my opinion... um, take the chance many of us are going to be lonely for Christmas and you might have something good going on. It's completely understandable that you are still attached to the other guy, but if things didn't work out then move on. Easier said than done (i know i know) but time will make the pain go away I promise. Just take it easy and don't worry too much about what's going to happen... live in the present.
Couple of thoughts here, hopefully both will be positive for you... First, a happy life is not something you just build and then consider done. It's a neverending project that you spend your entire life working on. Second, every life, no matter how happy, has some down times in it. No life is 'perfect' because perfection doesn't exist. And you've already said you know quick fixes don't exist. Rather than focusing on (and fearing) the future, focus on building a happy life and keeping it going, both by working to maintain the parts you like and seeking and adding new happy parts as you go along. From time to time, unhappy things will come along. Those you endure, sidestep, or defeat as part of your ongoing journey and then get back to the business of building the aforementioned happy life. Happiness is a journey, not a destination as the saying goes. Hope this helps, Todd
Happiness can only come from within (literally in terms of the neurochemistry). I believe that you can't have a good and happy relationship until you address (or at least acknowledge) the internal issues that cause your unique unhappiness. You might consider meditation or other tool that helps you gain peacefulness and opens you up to the potential of happiness.
