Healing Wounds and Cautious Glances...

So... I have this crush... well he's not a crush... I'm in love with him... and things between us were great... and then they weren't and then they really weren't then the situation was dire... and then suddenly, it wasn't this is the story of why...

I should probably start with how this boy and I met. Well, in 8th grade first semester he and I had classes together, but we never really talked. But I think he saw that I was lonely and maybe wanted to do something about it, but never knew how. I think this because I always caught him staring at me when I sat alone at lunch. Then second semester started, we changed classes and happened to get into the same weights class. By this time, I was already starting to question my sexuality. But I was no where near ready to face it yet. (I figured that out in a recent major panic attack when the question first entered my head...) We met and hit it off well. We liked each other and he always made me laugh and I thought and still think, he was, and is, the sweetest person ever. At that same time, there was another boy, he was the one who was really making me question myself. There was just... something about him that made me want to be around him all the time... but I couldn't figure out what it was. Soon after, other boys were making me feel this same way. I knew something was up. I wanted to tell somebody... but I didn't know who I wanted to tell. That's when this first boy that I mentioned, (We'll call him Mike, and NO that isn't his real name.) asked me something. There was another girl in the class who was nothing more than a friend of mine, Mike thought we would've been the cutest couple ever. That's when I decided to tell him... I really didn't want to tell him and I very easily could have just left it there and moved on. But... there was something that made me tell him... something about him made me tell him... At the time, I thought I might be bicurious. So that's what I told him. He smiled with his warm genuine smile and said, "That's cool. I won't ask you about girls then. Who do you like?" I didn't want to tell him that either... but again... something just made me tell him... and what was even more confusing was that... he was so easy to talk to about that kinda stuff, it was like I knew I could trust him with everything, without really knowing him that well... I told him about the one boy who was really making me question myself, and then I listed all the other boys that looked attractive to me. And then I said something that I never thought I would say... As I went through the list of boys, (Which wasn't that big at the time.) I said this: "Brody, Jack, Riley, and... you..." His eyes and smile widened and brightened, "Me?" My thoughts were along the lines of, "Oh shit. Why did I fucking just say that? Now he's gonna tell everyone..." I started to get genuinely worried. I think he could see that. Because his next words were, "Don't worry, I won't tell anyone. I promise." And the conversation ended there. Normally, I never would've trusted anyone with that kind of secret. But... I felt like I could really trust Mike. Then, somehow, without my realizing it, Mike was helping me be much more comfortable with myself by getting closer to me. He offered me the chance to hang out with him and his group. His friends were a little reluctant at first. But after awhile, they stopped caring. Thinking about it now... Mike was doing all of this for me and I never realized that until this very moment... and I took it all for granted... Over the course of the rest of the year, I gradually came to except the fact that I was gay and there was nothing I could do about it. Mike made me feel safe, and I started to drop this crush of mine with this other boy. I knew I had a crush on somebody. No, there was a much stronger feeling that I had for somebody, but I couldn't pinpoint who. Finally, the Summer break came and I told everyone who I was. About a week after, I got a text from Mike saying that he was very proud of me for not being afraid to be myself. That text... that singular text... made me the happiest I have ever been. The summer went on and he and I didn't text that much, I started to really really miss him. I didn't know why. And then I came to the conclusion that I had a crush on him. Nothing more. Oh how wrong I was...
Freshman year of high school started. Things between me and Mike, though we didn't have any classes together, resumed as normal. But then the second week of school, people started finding out that I was gay. Then, in class one day, some kids started asking me who I liked. They wouldn't stop. They kept asking and asking. The teacher got annoyed and forced them to stop. But they still persisted... I was fed up and annoyed. I didn't want them to disrupt the class anymore. But no matter what I did they were going to keep asking until I told them... So... I did. I listed off three names... Mike was the first person on that list... and of course, that was all they remembered... was Mike's name. I didn't think anything of it at first, after all I was planning on telling Mike the following week at the homecoming game. I knew that I was going to get rejected. And I knew that I was now on a timer to tell him before he found out from others... He found out a couple of days before the game and we stopped talking regularly... that was when I knew he knew... and I also knew that this would be the start of something big and painful... Things got awkward between us at school... and then the of the game came... and I still planned on telling him even if he knew... But... I found him at the game and I had been sitting alone. His friends motioned me over to come and join them so I didn't look so lonely... I went and sat in front of him, partially unintentionally. After a little bit I looked behind me just in time to see him get up and move, he moved over to a bunch of people I knew he'd rather not sit with... And the look on his face as he moved was the thing that broke me... The people sitting around us saw that I was getting ready to cry and he looked rather uncomfortable, which for Mike, is not a common occurrence... Someone asked me why I was crying. Mike looked over at me and I met his glance... He looked away sadly and I jumped up and jumped over the railing of the bleachers... I ran off never looking back and spent the rest of the game crying in the corner. After the game ended, I waited for my ride home and I realized something... I didn't just like Mike... No... He was the one I was in love with... and I was terrified... I forced myself to realize that Mike was straight and the likelihood that we would ever be a couple was just simply not there... And then that same night just a few minutes later, he texted me. He rejected me before I even told him. I knew that I had failed in getting to him before the others did... I was glad that he rejected me so politely... it was the only thing that saved me from snapping that night... Things between us got even more awkward at school. I was accused of writing love letters to him even though I didn't... That hit me really hard... why would someone try and make our situation worse?! Things got really bad. People restarted spreading rumors that Mike was gay... bad ones... but... finally, and very recently. As in last Monday, through a conversation between a friend of mine who is also a friend of his, I realized something. I realized that all Mike wanted me to do was get over the pain. He could see that I was still in A LOT of pain from everything that happened. (I'm not gonna write everything that happened for sanity's sake... but there was a little more that happened.) All he wanted me to do was just move on and forget all the emotional pain this had brought me. So. I did. And I showed him that I did. "How?" You might ask, "How did you show him that you've moved on when you haven't spoken to him in so long?" Well, we get to see each other briefly in the gym because we have different gym classes during the same period. Anyway, I showed him by waving to him for the first time in three months. I smiled as warmly as I could, and waved. His response I'm unclear of. He made a face that had two different emotions on it. One was most likely confusion... but the other I'm not quite sure... what can say is, I think it may have worked. The rest of the week, he smiled a LOT more than usual. And the feeling in the room when he walked in was much brighter. I felt like I could look at him without shame anymore. Now, it's just healing wounds and cautious glances. I hope we start talking soon. I really miss the way things were between us in 8th grade. All I can do is stand and wait for him to make his move.

 

I'm thinking about sending him a Merry Christmas text just because.

I'm not sure why I dropped my first crush so early... It was like I suddenly just lost interest in him. Like I said before, I knew I had feelings for someone, but, at the time, I didn't know who. I just knew that it wasn't him.

 

You really think so? I hope it goes over well. Wish me luck!

 

Aww... Thanks! You're so nice!

 

Thanks WhiteShadows. That mean's a lot to me. He hasn't responded to the Christmas text. But, it's not like I was expecting him to. I just hope it made some positive impact on him.

 

Healing Wounds and Cautious Glances, Galen? Oh you naїve little fool... How dare you assume such things about this...

Nothing has happened between us. It's been 6 months almost to the day since everything went to hell with me and Mike. I haven't heard a single word from him... not one... he never replied to the Christmas text. Still, every time my phone buzzes I grab for it desperately hoping it a surprise message from him... Why? I don't know... I miss talking to him so much... I miss his smile, I miss his laugh... I miss his voice... Friends have said, "Maybe it's time to get over him." and, though I agree, I just can't... I want to let go... but I can't... I'm not even sure why I can't just let go. I never got to say goodbye... He did so much for me. How can I just forget that he basically saved my life? No one just forgets something like that. What does he want me to do now? He never said what he wanted me to do... Should I wait...? Or try even harder to let go...

I can't be left alone without thinking about him anymore, I need things to distract me. But I don't any friends willing to hang out with me to help get my mind off of him. When I see him at school... I just get this feeling of... happiness. Every time I see him, I realize just how much he actually means to me. All of the memories that we ever made together flood back into my head like a dream and I smile for sometimes hours afterwards. Talking about him to others has a similar impact.

It's driving me insane and I don't know what to do anymore... I'd ask for help. But I don't know if anybody can help me with this.

Forgive the double post I guess, though It doesn't really count when you consider that last post was nearly 4 months ago.

 

I just talked with my mom about it. She says it may be that he's dealing with something that this all could've stirred up. She told me to keep in mind that I've only seen my point of view, not his. So for all I know there could be something huge going on his end caused by all this. Hell knows what though. She said it may also be that he just needs more time than I expected. It's weird. But maybe she's right. Maybe she's way off. I don't know. All I know is, I miss him and it hurts. A lot. I'm worried about him too. I just don't know what to think anymore.
Mom also said talking to him could either help or further worsen the situation. But it's not like I could talk to him anyway, try as I might, either the timing is all wrong or I chicken out last second. Who knows, it may just be that I don't have any classes with him, and the timing hasn't worked out, and there isn't anything wrong at all on his end and I'm just being a dramatic dope... But that's being extremely optimistic. I just wish I knew what was going on on his end...

Maybe my only two options really are to just talk to him or move on. I can't say I know enough about the situation to make a decision, but at the same time, I can't just sit here forever and do nothing. There's all kinda of possibilities right now. I just hope he's alright.

 

Thanks WhiteShadows. You and Kael-senpai always seem to make me smile even with the simplest of words.

It is nice that I can talk to her about this. It really helps a lot.

Yeah, I guess it is my decision, huh? Well, time to start thinking. Carefully.

(*hug*)

 

So, I've decided I'm gonna talk to Mike. It might be a while before I actually get the chance, but I'll do it.

Part of the reason it might take awhile, is because I probably won't get a good opportunity for awhile, because our schedules are so different. Which really kinda sucks, the only time I get to see him now is during lunch, and he's always with his friends during that time, most of which don't like me very much... Damn high school kids...

The other part is, and I'll be completely honest, I'm scared to death. I kinda wanna build up some confidence first, cause right now, I have absolutely none. There's so many possibilities as to how this could go... I really don't want to lose him. I hope it goes well.

In all honesty, I feel like this isn't anywhere near as big as I've made it out to be. I look back on all of this, and then try to come up with all sorts of possibilities as to how Mike might see it. And It makes me wonder, "To him, was this really that big a deal? Or is this just me being the overly-dramatic idiot that I am... again..." I just wish I knew, I've made attempts to find out before by asking a friend of mine who is also a friend of his, she came back with the response, "I don't know, things just got awkward between us." He clearly doesn't want to talk about it. And that scares me even more. I'll update this post when I've got more news.

Kind of a short post, but I've got nothing else to talk about, so I'll end it here.

I hope everybody else's lives are going well!

Jya matta ne! (See ya next time!)