Confused. Alone. In love with my friend. And suicide looks like an option.

First and foremost, while I know that you've probably heard this countless times before, suicide is never, ever the answer. Your life is not worth throwing away for this guy who might be using you. I completely understand where you're coming from in terms of your feelings; I myself am smitten by the most wonderful guy who means the entire universe to me right now. However, sometimes I have to step back and remember that if he's not gay and/or not interested in me, I have an entire lifetime ahead of me, and I know that one day I will find the right guy who cares about me. It's the same deal with you – if this guy doesn't really care about you and is only using you, just remember that there is a wonderful guy somewhere out there who will want to spend his life with you. However, you'll never meet him if you decide to end your life over this guy.

With that said, sexuality is a very fickle thing. I had a crush on a guy who insisted he was straight, but would make out with me (and many, many other guys) when he was drunk. While alcohol does indeed lower one's inhibitions, I later came to find out that he was sexually attracted to a guy in his calculus class and questioning his sexuality. Your friend may be in a similar situation where he finds himself questioning his sexuality but does not want to admit it. The best thing you can do is step back for a while and let him discover himself. Best case scenario, he comes back to you and tells you he's realized he's gay or bisexual and that he'd like a relationship with you. Worst case scenario, he confirms that he's straight, and as much as it'll hurt, you'll have to find a way to move on. Either way, giving him some space will allow you to determine what you'll do depending on the outcome, and it'll give him time to think about his sexuality without hurting you any more than he already has.

In addition, if he's questioning, chances are that he's not necessarily using your affection as an "outlet for his stupid semen," but rather that he sees you as the best way to discover himself since you're his friend and he knows you're gay. He likely sees it as a better route than meeting up with random guys or trying to hit on other guys who could be straight. Nonetheless, by doing so, he's hurting you, and my point that you may need to give him some space still stands. Giving him space will also allow him to sort out his feelings. If he likes you, there's a good chance that he'll come back in time and tell you. There are just so many other factors (family, other friends, homophobia, etc.) that could also be keeping him in the closet, so be patient.

I hope this helped you out! Best of wishes in whatever you decide to do.

 

As an aside, I am a firm believer in drunk words are sober thoughts. If a guy is getting drunk and doing "gay" things or saying certain things, his intoxication isn't causing him to do things he wouldn't want to do sober. His intoxication is eliminating his fear of saying those things or doing those things sober. But those desires exist, they aren't made up from being drunk. He just wouldn't say or do anything like that sober not because he isn't thinking it or not wanting to do it, he is just afraid to. If you get drunk and make out with guys, I'm fairly certain (but maybe not positive) that you are gay and haven't even begun to accept yourself.

Another aside, you can't force someone to come out or even accept themselves as gay. They have to do it own their own regardless of how positive you may be.

 

Not gonna lie, this was an interesting post and I really really apologize that it's what you're going through. DON'T commit suicide. you are WAY too young and trust me, there's so much more you have ahead of you. Don't let this incident ruin anything else that may bring you happiness in the future. Suicide isn't the question and I'm just repeating myself now. You don't know if you and him are going to work out. you don't know if you're going to meet another guy that's going to sweep you off your feet. Everyone goes through heart breaks man, you just got to stand your ground and lift yourself up... that way you can find that happiness. I am 27 and I been hiding behind closed doors falling in love with couple guys in my past... I was confused and heartbroken. I just looked to the brighter side and tried to focus on things that weren't about them.. that's what helps me get through it. I'll say it again, don't commit suicide.

Your friend is obviously in the closet and he's not going to accept himself, not anytime soon. you being honest will probably help him make that decision and realize things sooner, but we don't know how soon.. does that make sense? Right now you shouldn't worry about him being gay/bi because from the looks of it the more you look into it and try to find answers, you're going to get more confused and hurt because you're reminded of the things you both did in the past. Right now, I think you should back up and work on yourself and find the things you like to do. Stray your focus from him and focus on yourself. I know this will be hard to do because you love him, but you have to try. If he really loves you and he wants you but is unsure... you will see it. You've said everything to him and you've been honest now let him come to you if he wants that. The ball is on his court now.

In the future I don't think it's a good idea to do anything sexually until feelings are balanced out because youre going to get hurt again. Keep your distance and see where it leads to. by all means take care of yourself and find things that you love to do. Again you have a lot of support here and no one wants you to suicide alright? Keep you're head up, you'll be fine.., you have so much ahead of you if this doesn't work out.

---------- Post added 24th Dec 2013 at 12:43 PM ----------

I am going to add something else here. How he gets mad and annoyed after incidents like that are classic ways of guys that act when they don't accept themselves. It's a bunch of confusion in their head and they're trying to fight/understand it. So when he gets annoyed/mad he accidentally lashes out on you too, but I don't think you are the problem so don't be sad about it. I think it's a problem with himself, and you can't be the one that helps him with it. Only HE can help himself. I was like him once, I got everything delivered to me from a guy, always wanted to make me happy... he did a lot of things to make me happy. But I never came to terms with myself and I lashed out on him and pushed him away a whole lot. I know I broke his heart. and it was all because I never came to terms with myself. Now to this day, I finally came to terms with myself and now I am the one chasing him. Funny how that works right? That's what I am trying to tell you, if it's meant to be.. it will turn around. If not, then you got a life time ahead of you.

 

Hope you're ok buddy, had something similar happen and its not nice!
Don't do anything daft so many people care about you suicide would ruin their lives!
I think the best thing you can do is just enjoy christmas, if you don't have to see him every day then don't see him, have some time off and think of yourself! keep yourself busy and happy. I'm sure social media doesn't help either, I always thought this when I was going through something similar, just seeing them online is not great! Hope you have a good day tomorrow and just go with the flow, but don't let him use you! Look elsewhere, have faith and smile

 

Hey mate
Well, that's quite a situation you have there :/
I think he probably sees himself as straight even though he has some kind of physical connection with boys.... he probably just only wants to be in an emotional relationship with a girl... and won't accept the guys thing...
By the way, would he ever give YOU any pleasure? or was it always him taking?

I think you should continue to be friends with him, but give each other some space. He IS being unfair to you, and in the meantime you should look for someone else. There will be heaps of guys who would be willing to date you And you're really young, you still have a lot of time

I hope it goes well

 

Everyone here is giving you excellent advice. Just to throw another thought or two into the mix:

You need to set some boundaries and stick to them. Meaning that you tell him that you're his friend and will be there to support him and talk if he needs to. But there will be no more sexual encounters. They are definitely tearing you up emotionally and seem to be bothering him afterward as well. That includes turning him down if he tries to just start something (yes, that will be very hard, but you need to).

If/when he finally accepts himself as non-straight and communicates that to you, you can both help him with coming out and talk about possibly having a relationship that includes sex. How you move forward from there depends on the results of that conversation.

On a rather different note...if/when things move to the point of the two of you having sex it needs to be a two way street. Meaning he has to be willing to do stuff to give you pleasure as well. Even if he were totally open and out right now, he would need to be willing to do that and do it from the start. If that means starting with less intimate stuff and you teaching him and working up to more intense stuff, fine.

I made the mistake many years ago of falling for a guy who was really only interested in his own pleasure sexually and didn't much care if I was having a good time. I thought he'd come around eventually or finally start doing something back or the like, but the one time he did he was horrified. Ultimately it led to a very messy breakup and a lot of stress before that. Believe me, you really don't want to go thru that.

My 2c worth,

Todd

 

You got a lot of viewpoints already, but it can't help to have one more... so for what it's worth: a couple of thoughts!

Personally, I'm always of the opinion that when someone categorically asserts being straight, you'd better believe them. This guy has had every opportunity to come out to you, you know he's accepting of gay people, and yet he keeps telling you his straight. So odds are that he really is (like 90% of people out there).
Even if he isn't, you already did all you could, and there's not much you or anyone can do. In which case both you and him should move on as friends first and foremost. Doing the same and expecting different results isn't going to work.

So, using him being straight as a baseline: were you used or were you slutty? Honestly: I'm inclined to think not. What you and he did were, in the end, pretty normal for 16-year olds.
OK, he didn't think through all of the emotional aftereffects, but fact of the matter is this: he never did any of this with anyone. Like anyone, he's curious. And even if he didn't love you in the romantic way, he is still close to you and it felt safe to try it out (and, yes, he was horny, but many 16-year olds are horny as soon as even the slightest chance at something sexual crops up).
Also, love is a bit of a drug. I've had a few people crush on me without me returning the feeling (boys and girls), but it was still special. I felt bad for them, but on another level, I also felt close to them. A mix between feeling honoured and a desire to somehow make it up to them for not being in love with them too.

So... even if he's straight, the combination of friendship, closeness, confusion knowing how you feel about him, and jut curiosity about sex just turned out the way it did. Yet, his reaction afterwards proves it wasn't just using you, since he does sound genuinely concerned about how you feel about it. If he just used you, he'd not care as much, I think.

So, where does that leave you both? I guess the best way to try and deal with it is as two friends who shared a special moment. It may not have lead to something more, but you could decide to agree that it was fun when it happened, that you both learned from it, that it was good having such a first with a good friend, and that it just makes the friendship special. That way you both walk away from this with your heads upright.

At the same time you should agree both to make efforts to point out that this is a bad idea, if and when such temptations crop up in the future. As soon as temptation happens, one of you should be saying "is this a good idea?" and that should break the moment. Similarly, you could agree that if he's doing anything that's giving you false hope, you can point it out. Essentially working through the crush and avoiding temptation should be done with openness and honesty.
It'll help the friendship and reduce the crush.

Last but not least... time heals all wounds. Right now this is the first time you've felt this deeply for someone, so it's normal it takes some time to get over it. First guy I crushed on in HS, it took me about 4 years from first crushing to totally never thinking of him in romantic ways. Next unreturned crushes were easier because I knew I'd get over them. I know it doesn't feel like it now, but take it from people who've been there: you WILL get over it. In the end, it'll be a cute memory on the path to finding someone who did return the feeling. And when it happens, it will be just as magical (even more so) than the feeling of being in love is now.

So, in short: all of this confusion and strong feelings is normal. It sucks, but like the rest of us, you'll get through them and be the better for it!

 

First of all, I know how it feels like when the only solution to your problems you can see is to kill yourself. I've been lucky though, I've been close to killing myself three times, and every single time I was about to do it, I got interrupted by other people. At the time I hated it, but now I'm so glad they unintentionally stopped me from killing myself. The worst will pass, I promise you that. Please don't kill yourself.

Everyone's already given you great advice and I agree with what's been said already.

I think it's pretty shitty of him to keep doing this to you when he knows how you feel about him and what doing stuff like that would mean to you.

Stay strong

 

Eh, no more or less willpower than anyone else.
There's many people who proudly proclaim that they can withstand any temptation, but I'm fairly sure many (if not most) of those have never been in a situation where they were really tempted
If I'm perfectly honest, if I'd have been presented with a similar temptation on a sleepover with my highschool crush, I'd have done the same thing.
Also, don't put this solely on yourself. He caved in to temptation just as well!

Which is why it's important that you talk this through with him. Without reproaches or guilt, just two friends making an arrangement: "it was fun enough when it happened, but let's not do this again because one or both of us will get hurt".

And it is important that you do this on a neutral moment. Sure, if you find yourself alone and uninterrupted, with him being horny and you being lovestruck, it'll be hard to resist. That's why you should talk things through beforehand. Maybe you should switch up place on a sleepover, with the other friend in between you. Maybe you should agree to masturbate before hanging out to get the edge of the hornyness off... stuff like that.

Above all, don't see this as a "weak/strong" or "guilty/victim" thing. Just as two friends trying to find a better way of hanging out!

 

To add to the multitude of the advice above, please do not think about hurting yourself. I have and honestly if fixes NOTHING. It just makes you feel worse. Now, I've been in a situation like this. I'm STILL recovering from my best friend's rejection of me in October, and worst of all for me he's (sort of) bi, which means its just me . Unfortunately, you can't do much else other than wait to see if he changes his mind, he could be confused, or just move on. I'm sorry to hear about this, and please friend me on here if you want