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Christmas disaster

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by Draco, Dec 26, 2013.

  1. Draco

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    Well it wouldn't be the season without some kind of drunken family fight. Well let me lay a little frame work first. I have two older brothers. One who knows I'm gay and is one I the most important people in my life. Then I have my second brother who doesn't know I'm gay and we both have always had a ton of animosity towards eachother. Then we have my parents, my dad knows I'm gay and is completely excepting. My mother doesn't know and I have no intention of telling her. So anyways the starts off at my family's house as usual. Of course we start drinking. Well I end up getting into an argument with my brother(animosity one) and my mother. So we break out into a huge fight and let my brother know how much I hate him and I tell my mother she's an idiot(----drunk rage. Yea I know it's bad and it gets worse) so after the argument my favorite brother and I catch a cab to the local bar. Here is where I really regret it. So I run into a guy I went to high school with. I have always been attracted to this guy, he's drop dead gorgeous. Well after a bunch of shots with him I start hitting on him HARD!!! I mean straight out trying to get him to kiss me(oh yea if you couldn't tell already I'm a CLOSET guy) so I'm trying to get him to make out with me and I remember very little but we got into a fight. Well cut scene to the next morning, I wake up back at my parents place and I'm sore and full of cuts and bruises and I feel like I got beat up. Well all of a sudden I'm in a panic because I'm starting to remember tryin to kiss this guy and I feel like I got beat up. So I called him and left him a voicemail asking him if he could call me. Well a whole day goes by and then he finally calls me back. I started off by telling him if I was an asshole to him at all that I am so so sorry and I apologize. Then I asked him "this is going to sound like an odd question but did you beat me up last night" his response was "no dude you beat the shit out of me, you split my face open and tore off my shirt" I stopped him right there and told him I'm so so so sorry. Supprisingly enough he laughed and said don't worry about it. Then I asked him how much of the night he remembered. He said he didn't remember much but he just laughed and said don't worry were good. I'm still scared on how much he remembers and I hope he doesn't out me. I know my behavior was unacceptable and I even told him that. Even with his "don't worry, were good" I'm still scared. I'm embarrassed , scared and overall ashamed of myself. I appologize for misspellings and grammar errors. I'm typing this from my phone. Should I worry he's gonna out me?
     
  2. confuzzled82

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    It doesn't sound like he's going to out you. Sounds like he at least respects you, or may even be afraid of you.
     
  3. Draco

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    As bad this sounds I guess a little fear could be good if it keeps my life from being turned upside Down
     
  4. Chip

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    I concur that it doesn't sound like the guy remembers anything that could be problematic.

    A bigger question that comes to mind in reading what you wrote: Does your behavior and the drinking, blacking out, and apparent violence you committed concern you in any way? Is it something you see as a problem or something you would want or need to work on?
     
  5. Draco

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    Chip, that's actually a good question. It is something I see as a problem and it is something I need to work on
     
  6. Chip

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    For what it's worth, it sounds like there's a family pattern, which makes it easy to view your own experience and assume it's normal and natural. So being able to step back and say "maybe this isn't the normal, everyday way people are in these situations", and even more so, "this isn't how I'd like to be" is a great first step.

    As you're probably already aware, the fact that you're 26 and closeted is no doubt contributing to what you're feeling (though certainly that's not the only issue, or your family and those you're around wouldn't be mirroring the same behaviors.)

    So, the next question is... given that you see as a problem, and something you want to work on... how important is it to you to work on it, and how much of a priority is it for you? Is it a "Yes, I should really pay attention to that" (like, for me, getting myself to start a Yoga practice that hasn't been happening) or a "This is enough of a problem that I'd like to really put energy into making change for myself"?

    That's not intended to be judgmental; change really only happens when we're ready and committed to making it happen, or when something forces it upon us, so it may be something you recognize the need for, but aren't ready to work on yet.

    ( These questions help you to think about, and identify in your own mind where you stand with prioritizing working on these issues in the context of other things going on in your life.)

    If you give some thought to that, I may be able to offer some further suggestions if it feels like something you're ready and willing to tackle.
     
  7. Draco

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    Chip,
    Thanks for the advice but I'm already in the works of tackling a few issues. Your right that being closeted at my age is the number one issue to my anger problem. I feel like I'm losing so many good years being the closet. I'm not happy because I am too afraid to love publicly who I want to share my bed with. I know I'm not the only who deals with this kind of thing but 99.99 percent of the time I feel absolutey alone and it makes me sad and angry.
     
  8. Chip

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    I've been there. It really sucks. I would bet that almost every person at EC (out or not-yet-out) has felt the same way as well. For me, it was a place of deep despair and sometimes hopelessness. What I can tell you is that talking about it, as you're doing now, definitely helps because it helps to bulid connection and help us realize that what we're experiencing isn't unique, and perhaps to see light at the end of the tunnel.

    At the end of the day, it's our fear of not being loved, of being rejected, that fuels the feelings, and I think, for me at least, sharing what I'm going through in any such situation helps a lot.
     
  9. Draco

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    Chip,
    Yes the closet is the main issue in my life and yes I do try to use alcohol to cope. These are things I have indentfied my problem and they are a work in progress. I still hope this guy doesn't out me, however if he does it probably wouldn't be the worst thing but I'm still not ready for it.
     
  10. onlythebulls13

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    DRACO!! Long time buddy! i was just looking at the new years resolution from 2012... oh boy, reminded me of when we first started talking.
    and i see u havent changed, going out and kissin gorgeous guys :slight_smile: lol
    sounds like ur moving in the right direction with coming out, i think when i last talked u had just come out to ur dad. still only my one friend knows im gay...well and my therapist. shes awesome by the way, if u dont have one and u are able to, i strongly recommend it. she helps with lgbt issues too and shes been helpful.

    im coming so close to just coming out to my family, i feel like if i can tell them then i can tell anyone. almost told my friends bro but they got in a fight as i think u said u read.

    any boyfriends???
     
  11. Soleil

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    I am hearing two things about your use of alcohol. .. .one that you consume it when you are having difficulty coping and secondly that your behavior when using it is not what you would want in a conscious state. Now, that may seem like a kind of a big DUH but I am trained to be curious .. . .. if you are choosing to do something that goes against your CONSCIOUS wishes. . . what are the un or subconscious wishes wanting to be seen? Clearly you have stated that you are miserable not being able to live openly but I also clearly heard that allowing the alcohol to out you is not either what you want. Actually listening, in the safety and privacy of your own space, to what is going on under the outer actions is a great first step towards change in a direction you DO want. Best wishes to you as you move forward!
     
  12. Draco

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    I think you may have a good point. My subconscious well drunk is adapt at letting strangers know I'm gay, however I'm not sure if it's drunk talk or just the excuse/outlet I use to let people know. I'm upset because it is a much guarded secret of mine so letting random people I don't trust or are not in my inner circle could be devastating to me not only personally but also professionally.