Well, not really. At least, I hope so. That's just how I feel. Every time somebody talks to me I expect harsh words. Whenever somebody touches me I flinch because I expect pain. I have no reason to think these things, I just do. It's even here, on EC. Whenever somebody responds to a post I made or I get a notification I immediately assume it is somebody about to blow up at me. It isn't logical to think this way, but it turns out emotions don't really respond to logic.
I'm responding to your post and saying you're a good guy and I'm not blowing up at you at all. Sometimes I get thoughts like that too, but I've learned ways of dealing with them and reminding myself that they're not logical.
One more thing. These feelings are strongest around my crush. Whenever he walks by I flinch. Whenever he says something to me I feel tears form in my eyes because I expect him to say... some rather mean things. He doesn't hate me... yet. If he knew my feelings he would be disgusted, after all, he is a God among men and I am unworthy to be called a worm.
Hey bud, stop beating on yourself. You're entitled to the same respect and dignity everyone else has. D: I'm a little confused as to why you seem to expect (for lack of a better word) that people are gonna be mean to you and hate you. From what I've seen in you, you're a genuinely nice kid. I don't see any reason as to why anyone would feel the need to say or do hurtful things to you. You gotta keep your head high and stop assuming the worst.
Like me, you seem pretty self-aware, which isn't always the best trait. But I have found that some people find it pretty charming because you are yourself. Sometimes we go to the worst thought possible before anything ever happens because we are afraid. It's ok to be scared, but don't beat yourself up! I don't know you, but this thread, and your honesty say a lot more about you than you think. It takes a lot of courage to open up...and that does not make you look like a horrible human being...quite the contrary!
