Cheating okay in today's society?

I have been cheated on and it have messed me up pretty bad when it comes to trust in relationships, and I can tell you it feels awful. If you are in the closet and in a loveless marriage, okay understandable I guess, but I really think you should try and find other ways to get out than cheating on your husband/wife, it's not fair to break their hearts. Divorce sucks too, but it's at least a much better way to go forth IMO that also prevents any STD's from unknowingly spreading, among other things.

 

I've been cheated on in a relationship ... later in my marriage cheated .... I don't think it was right ... Horrible thing to do ... Unhappy and not getting what you want at home .... End it ... That would've been the way to do it .... Which is basically why my wife and I will be separated soon ....

 

To me cheating is among the worst possible things a person can do. My view of relationships has always been that they are a little sacred and the person you are with should be your one and only, your everything. (Mind you I've never actually been in a relationship, so there is that.)


If someone feels the need to stray, I don't think their feelings for their partner can be all that strong. (Obviously there might be issues with the relationship, or the cheater, which need to be worked out. If that's the case, it should be done openly and as soon as the desire to stray arises) In the end if such a desire can't be removed or worked out, I think it's best to end the relationship. At least that way both parties can begin to seek a better relationship without that line ever being crossed.



Betraying the trust of someone who cares about you, and your meant to care about is in my mind really a hurtful, selfish and often cowardly thing.



As for the direct questions, I think if someone is cheating because of their orientation (not matching the partners bits) then they shouldn't be in the relationship in the first place! Sort it out, someone is being lied to, and will likely end up very hurt.

Additionally I think knowingly being with someone who is in a relationship (even if they are unhappy/ending it/orientation incompatible with their partner (any other justifications you can think of)) is very disrespectful towards the person they are in the relationship with.

In these cases the people in the relationship need to communicate whatever is going on and sort it out, or end it. Once again, even though ending a relationship is hurtful, it's likely going to happen anyway. Get it over and done with so, as above: both parties can begin to seek a better relationship.



One quick disclaimer. Obviously this refers to "Cheating" in relationships where monogamy is expected. I understand that some people desire or need (for a whole magnitude of reasons) to be in open relationships, which as long as both parties agree and can be open about, is fine in my book. Communication is, as always, key.

 

I've never cheated on anyone I've ever had an exclusive relationship with, even though sometimes I was tempted (physically I mean, visually). I have friends who are into open relationships with others, and don't consider it cheating. I've never been in one of those, but they're okay with it, and it works for them. Although I think cheating behind someone's back is wrong, I know one person who does, and I can't fault her for it. Her marriage was arranged, forced, to someone she didn't love and wasn't attracted to physically. She see's a woman on the side, and if she comes out she's afraid she will be whipped or even honor killed. On the one hand, part of me thinks what she's doing is wrong, but who am I to judge her, not being in that situation. To me the entire situation is immoral.

 

Cheating is NOT ok. :eusa_naug

 

It's really simple I think - If you want The (HETERO-NORMATIVE) monogamous relationship, fine, if you're open to something different (monogamish, open, poly) that's cool too - but it's all about honesty and openness!! (for me no deceit, but loyalty). Thing is... it's all about relationships which are ultimately as flexible as the participants and always change over time.

 

So, you are basicly saying that only heterosexual couples can be monogamous? :dry:

 

Personally I don't think cheating in any relationship is right, it's definitely not something I'd do and I would be betrayed if someone was to cheat on me. I would also never get involved with someone, knowing they were in a relationship.

That being said, I can sympathise with closeted people stuck in a marriage. I know there are other ways than cheating but circumstances might not allow someone to get a divorce, talk to their partner or come out.

As I said, I don't think cheating is right, but I understand/sympathise with closeted people stuck in marriage. Unlike when people cheat just for 'fun' or after an argument or similar..

 

I really didn't know if I should answer yes or no.

On one hand I believe the same thing that has been said here already. Cheating destroys relationships. If you are unhappy to the point of cheating then end the relationship. If I'm in a committed relationship I will not cheat on you and if you cheat on me then you are risking losing a certain part of your anatomy.

That said if I'm single and you are in a committed relationship with someone else, your relationship doesn't mean anything to me. I didn't agree to be faithful to your partner. I'm not the one who has to deal with the fall out if you're caught. I'm not gonna be hurt if you wind up divorced. So I really don't care if you're in a relationship. If you're cute and wanna fuck I'm game.

Is this a double standard? Yup
Am I an asshole for thinking like this? Probably, but you asked my opinion and I gave it honestly.

 

I am not okay with it and will NEVER cheated on anyone, boyfriend, husband and anyone, I would never cheated them. That is the worse thing that someone can do to their SO.

 

Nope. It's not big; it's not clever; it's not fair on the family and there's always going to be the thought of "what if he cheats on me?" hanging in the air.

 

You'll have to better define what you mean by cheating. Is having sex outside of a committed relationship ALWAYS cheating? What about when both individuals in the relationship accept and understand that they have an open relationship?

I personally would define cheating as doing things with another person that you know violates the agreement of your relationship, and therefore damages the trust that's been built. I would also say that this type of cheating isn't always necessarily sexual in nature.

A good relationship is built on mutual understanding of what both people want, and that takes communication. It also means that both people actually have to KNOW what they want, and not simply strive to conform to what society tells them that they SHOULD want. Once both individuals know what they want and communicate that to each other, they can decide whether their desires are compatible. If not, then they should move on. If so, then that's where the trust starts to be built, and it's something earned over time.

Communication, honesty, and trust. That's what's important. If you lack these things then your relationship is a failure regardless of what people are doing with their genitalia.

I'm not a big fan of the cultural assumption that monogamy is the default for everyone. This is clearly not the case, otherwise it wouldn't be so hard for some people to remain monogamous. The fact of the matter is monogamy is so culturally important because it helped men to control womens reproductive systems. After all, if she couldn't fuck anyone else, you could be damn sure it was always going to be your baby. And of course, marriages didn't exist for purposes of love or commitment, they were arranged and women were traded and treated more akin to property than people.

Historically speaking, concepts like virginity and monogamy have always fallen more heavily on the shoulders of women than on men (at least in Western Cultures). Once again, both of these concepts exist and are important culturally to control the reproductive system of women. This is why we get nice little words to attack women with who stand outside of this: slut, whore, and ho.

I personally reject these notions, and believe that relationships are built on mutual understanding and agreements. I believe that a lot of things that lead to the hurt people experience are a result of cultural expectations that don't match the reality of human nature: "The person I am in love with is never going to want to have sex with anyone but me." The shame people feel when they act outside that cultural expectation: "Why am I turned on by him? I love someone else! What's wrong with me? Why am I such a slut?" And the lack of communication of what people actually want (as a result of said shame): "I love you, and I only want to have sex with you."

There is also the cultural belief that sex = love or intimacy. It's perfectly possible to have sex with someone for many different reasons that does not involve either love or a desire of intimacy. Humans have sex for a lot of different reasons outside of procreation and love / intimacy. We have a tendency to view sex through a distorted lens, in the same way that we culturally confuse nudity with a desire to be sexual.

So in the end, I'd say a good 80% of the issues people face are actually the result of a culture that does not understand or accept human nature. The other 20% come from poor relationship skills such as poor communication, lack of honesty, and lack of trust.

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Is it okay to cheat on your wife because you are in the closet gay? / Is it okay to cheat on your husband because you are in the closet lesbian?

A relationship with this problem has bigger issues than what people are doing with their genitalia. The most obvious of them is the fact that the relationship is built off a lie, that alone damages trust, means you aren't being honest, and because you're hiding secrets you certainly aren't communicating about the problems your relationship is facing.

Violating any monogamous agreements / assumptions made about the relationship only further damages the trust. It doesn't help, but the relationship is already non-sustainable because it is built off a lie and both individuals have completely different desires.

Furthermore, would you start a relationship with someone knowing they're married?

Starting a relationship with someone who is married is dangerous, unless everyone is on the same page - including their spouse. If everyone understands what is going on and is in good communication with one another, then a lot of the issues are minimized... but some unique problems start to arise depending on the nature of the relationship you're seeking.

 

When I saw this thread I got pissed. After I looked at the results of the poll and some of the comments, my faith in humanity has been restored. NO, cheating is not alright.

 

Cheating on someone is just horrible. IF you're not happy with the person who you're in a relationship with, then get out of the relationship. Don't go sneaking around.

 

(Knowingly) staying in the closet and marrying/dating someone of the opposite sex kinda disgusts me. You're basically using him/her as a front, an object, a cover, to hide from who you are. Every time you tell him/her "I love you", you're just straight up lying to them, and they don't even realize it. That's still cheating, although now you're being unfaithful to your partner and yourself. That said, if your country punishes homosexuality with prison/jail-time, then I'd let that slide. But in the West in this day and age, it's just not right :eusa_naug

Cheating in general is still a pretty douchey thing to do. Unless it's an open relationship. Even then you oughta let them know beforehand that that's what you want.