Ive been in my first relationship with my boyfriend for a year now. The problems began when about 4 months in I found my boyfriend had been talking dirty to another guy on facebook, swapping dirty pictures with him and hiding our relationship status from him. I was completely heartbroken but after a lot of talking decided to forgive him and give him a second chance. He gave me full access to his facebook so i would trust him again and i thought everything was fine. Now 6 months along the line, a few days ago on xmas eve I accidentally saw his twitter account logged in on my ipad, and sat and watched him talk inappropriately to another guy for 2 hours, ending with my boyfriend asking for a picture of his penis. I immediately told him it was over and no one would make a fool out of me twice, and he clearly hadn't learned his lesson. Now he has told me he has deleted all his social media stuff and wont get them back, so he wont be tempted anymore as he made a stupid mistake because he was horny. He's incredibly sorry because he knows he has ruined such a good thing. I have told him its over and i need time to think about things, but this would mean giving him a third chance. Part of me thinks somewhere down the line he would be caught doing something else. I do love him and we get along so well, which makes me question if it worth throwing everything away we had because of his mistakes. I know only i can decide what to do but I really want advice on whether it could ever work again? Can he be trusted? thanks
Well apparently he can't be trusted if he's gone from one, given you access and then switched to something else so you won't find out, why wouldn't he do it again...
He had his chance, you caught him once, and forgave him. That's probably more than I, and most people, would have done. I think the likelihood that he won't repeat the pattern is pretty close to zero. One of the most important -- and hardest -- things to understand and accept in a relationship is the importance of accepting someone as they are. Otherwise, you're expecting them to change for your benefit, and that isn't fair to them, or to you, because it also means you can't love them unconditionally. So, the only way I'd say you could move forward would be if you could accept the fact that he's going to lust after other guys, sext with them, share nude pics with them, and so forth. If you can accept that (and if you could, I'd say you need to really look at your own self esteem), then I'd say you could let it go. Otherwise, it clearly wasn't worth enough to him after the first time to solve the problem, and there's no evidence he'd do so again. After all, he gave you access to his Facebook... and proceeded to do the same thing on Twitter. Now he's deleted his social media accounts, but it would take all of 30 seconds to open a new one you don't know about... or to meet up with people clandestinely in person. He's got some work to do. His issues probably stem from his own sense of insecurity and low self esteem. But I personally wouldn't want to be the one to walk someone through the process of solving that, nor would it be emotionally healthy for me to do so. I'd say the same applies to you and to this situation.
I'm sorry he is behaving that way. I think you need to move on and find someone deserving of your attention and love. I don't think much else needs to be said. I had to edit this post because the song I am listening to speaks to your situation so well: Keep You by Wild Belle.. Same Song, again and again You wrong me twice and I keep coming back Same song, again and again Tell me what the matter is, little man .... ...
Sadly you have all pretty much confirmed my gut instincts which was to get rid of him. But would it be worth trying as we had something really good and special? We shared some amazing times and they definitely out weight the bad times... I mean the thought of seeing him out with someone else would be so hard, and i know that would get easier with time, but its hard to think about.
I think remembering the great times you guys had together further solidifies the decision to move on. Those times were great for the both of you, but he still did not take responsibility and clearly lacks self-efficacy, respect and regard for other's feelings. I know you want to rekindle the fire, but you need to assert yourself and claim ownership of your feelings and not let him treat you like a fool once more.
You can do better, simply put, and you will find someone who respects fidelity in a relationship. If you can find the good out of a guy who did a bad thing, then there are over a zillion other guys who will be even better.
Thanks for the advice everyone. Its going to be hard but I think the best thing is to end it for good, there's a pattern here and although it would be nice, I cant see it changing.
