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I'm so angry at myself

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by MichaelB, Dec 29, 2013.

  1. MichaelB

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    because I never learn.

    There's this guy that has quite honestly kept my romantic life occupied for an entire year, and I never thought I'd be a person to dwell on anything. I've always been the type to just think 'fuck it', and move on quickly, yet this guy has occupied an entire year of thoughts.

    I've made a few threads about him before; he's my best friends older brother and a complete mind fuck. Our interaction at this point could only be defined as turbulent and verging on soul destroying.

    It began in March, around my friends 18th birthday. Before that, we barely spoke and I always got a really negative vibe from him. But as my friend turned 18 and we could go clubbing together, me and him came into contact more and more. While sober, he still remained distant and passive aggressive, but with alcohol he got more and more talkative to me. I also noticed that he wouldn't stop starring and would follow me around town, which again I thought were weird factors. It eventually climaxed to the point where he tried to kiss me, and I semi accepted it but eventually pulled away because I was trying to be sensible and didn't want to confuse my friendship with his sister.

    After that, he turned even more aggressive and completely ignored me, yet I became more attached. Instead of him following me around on nights out, it was the other way round and I became increasingly obvious that I liked him, and his sister eventually had a very awkward talk with me re framing me from 'inappropriate behaviour with her straight brother'. I took all this in my stride and accepted it; I like to think I know boundaries, and if I wasn't getting the message then it clearly needed to be set. This lasted during the summer, with minimal contact with him on nights out and I avoided going round their house.

    It became an issue again in the Autumn, around September. He started showing interest again, he never stopped starring, started following me around again and acted very friendly. This re aroused all my past feelings for him, and I fell back into my slump of mild depression. It genuinely upset me to think that he might be interested, but his 'lad' persona banned him from anything that might/could have happened. This escalated until around November. On my birthday, he was the first to say happy birthday on my wall, and on my birthday night he kept following me around and said 'I wanted to be the first to say happy birthday, before any other guy could'. This was followed by another night out where he said to me he liked me, but followed that by having a one night stand with a girl. I retaliated in an immature way, and demonstrated I could play the same game and also had a one night stand with a girl. After that, he again cut contact and from November to December, we didn't talk. And I genuinely thought I was over him; he wasn't in my mind at all, I met a new guy and I fulfilled every criteria of moving on.

    But that changed on Boxing Day. I went out for it and unexpectedly bumped into him and his friends, but his sister was not there. His behaviour was really different; he was much more forceful in his approach with me, kept hugging me, kissed me (which I let, stupidly), groped me and asked if he could stay round mine. However before getting a taxi back to mine, he vanished.

    We actually work in the same store, and I've seen him twice since and he's blanked me. I'm fully aware that we're just going round in the same cycle; he will now act passive aggressive towards me, ignore me and make me feel unwelcome. My friendship with his sister has been damaged, I'm now again heart broken and I've cocked things up with the other guy I was talking too.

    He's easily the most corrupting relationship I've ever had in my life, and I just don't want to participate in it anymore. Even if he is gay (which I actually doubt, he gets with a ridiculous amount of girls), he's clearly not ready to come out and I don't want to sacrifice my happiness waiting for him.

    Please, how can I properly move on? Everything I've done has clearly failed, and I don't want to waste another year of my emotional well being on him.

    Please bear in mind that I work with him and his sister, and she is a very close friend of mine. Most people I've asked have said cut contact completely, but I can't do that without further damaging my friendship with his sister, but at the same time I just want to be happy again. I mean, I am happy, but for a year there's always been a lingering sense of apprehension over him which depresses me, and I don't want another year of it. :bang:

    Also to further describe him; he's been brought up in a very masculine household, has all male friends, shows no signs of being gay and actually shows mild homophobia. The point I'm making is, he's the type of person that I honestly believe could suppress his sexuality all his life for the sake of fitting his 'male role' in society. But then there's the other side of it were with each new encounter, it goes a little further. I think that's what's killing me the most; I keep thinking 'next time, he'll be mine', which hurts even more when he gets with yet another girl in front of me, almost to wind me up. :/

    Edit edit:

    I also keep going over and over in my head thinking I've made the entire thing up in my head, because the way he acts sober v drunk is so drastically different, but the photos from boxing day literally paint the picture. The first pictures, were he's sober, he's ignoring me. Mid way there's a lot of eye contact and him getting closer to me. The last pictures are him hugging me (I'm little spoon and he's hugging from behind, clearly showing that I wasn't hugging him I think?) and then one where he's kissing me on the cheek. But depsite that, I still can't help but think I've made it up inside my head. >_<
     
    #1 MichaelB, Dec 29, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 29, 2013
  2. AKTodd

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    If he's not ready/willing/able to come out (including - perhaps primarily - to himself) then it will not matter what you do, even up to the point of mad, passionate sex followed by him spending the night. He will still not acknowledge what is happening between you to the rest of the world (or himself) and you will keep getting hurt, certainly emotionally and possibly physically if he feels the need to do that to 'protect his secret' or just as a result of self-loathing in response to the 'wrong' he's doing.

    If cutting him out of your life is not an option because of your work and relationship with his sister, then you are going to have to simply stop allowing these encounters to happen. If he tries to hug or kiss you, push him away and don't let him. Or go rigid and don't react or respond back. Or whatever. Basically make it clear to him that nothing (NOTHING) is going to happen. Period

    And as part of doing all that you need to stop having feelings for him. Accept that this isn't going to happen, he will never be yours, and move on.

    If you want to show him some compassion (And don't think it would either be a compelte waste of your time or even make things worse) you could let him know that if he ever needs to talk, you are happy to listen and offer support and the discussion will be totally confidential. But beyond that, I just don't see any way for this to work given the space he currently seems to be in.

    My 2c worth,

    Todd
     
  3. MichaelB

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    Thank you for your advice Todd, it kinda reaffirmed what I already suspected.

    I think I might message him on facebook, attach a photo of him kissing me and say something like 'This isn't in my head. I don't want to confuse you, I don't want to make anything worse for you and this isn't blackmail. I just want some closure from this situation, and I want it to be kept between us. I'm here if you ever need to talk about what you're going through, but these drunken nights can't keep going on, it's not healthy for me :/'.

    The photo is so he doesn't show his sister, like I'm bare scared that if I just message him, he'll show his sister and they'd take the piss out of me as some desperate weirdo. The picture is more like proof that I have a point. Is that a good idea, or should I just try and leave things as they are and try and move on again? :/

    Edit:

    The photo also is really incriminating. Like, it doesn't look like jokey lad banter, it looks like we're a couple, so it's something that I really don't think he'd want to show his sister, which hopefully will keep the message private and just between us.
     
    #3 MichaelB, Dec 30, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2013
  4. MichaelB

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    Ha ha ha.

    His relationship status has literally just changed to the girl he got with on boxing day, before groping and kissing me. I atleast have partial closure and can safely tell him to fuck off if he ever attempts to get intimate with me again.

    Fucking confusing asshole. ¬_¬ I knew this entire thing was a mind game, almost sort of to demonstrate how amazing his pulling powers are, he can even pull guys. That's why I've been so out of character and tentative with the entire thing, because I always had a little niggle at the back of my mind that all this was stuff he simply did not give two shits about haha.

    What a lucky save though, at least I have my closure without ever having to have an awkward, and clearly unwanted, talk! :grin:
     
    #4 MichaelB, Dec 30, 2013
    Last edited: Dec 30, 2013