I don't know who I am anymore...

Well...the title says it all: I don't know who I am anymore. I go through these stints of, "I'm so sure of myself, I'm me, fuck the world, nothing can stop me." Which is fantastic and all but then I get back to the place of, "Who am I really?" in a sad, gloomy state in my room talking to like no one.

I'm the latter currently.

Like, I'm just so...gah, I can't even explain it. Like I just want to lay around and mope and do nothing for quite literally no reason. There have been two people that I've tried to talk to and neither one has responded to a message. The one I've been exchanging anonymous questions on his ask.fm and am honestly surprised that he has yet to place it to me (I did it before, earlier this year even, I was in a horrible state of mind and he helped me through it). They are not the most pleasant things I say, sometimes things that should make someone worry.

The other friend has promised, recently, that he'll be there for me whenever I need him. Lies. I've needed him several days recently and nothing. Not a word. Won't even hang out with me. I texted him Christmas to see if he wanted to come bowling with me and a couple of guys from our team on Friday and he said he'd be free. Ask him Friday, he responded saying he was going to be with his girlfriend. Here's a note: I have nothing against his girlfriend and am actually friends with her, but I personally believe that you need to make room in your life for your friends too. He doesn't which bugs me, he hardly even talks to me anymore, great best friend I have, dontcha think?

Like why must I choose bad friends? Or do people just not like me? Am I unlikable? Why do I have no girls in my life to talk about this with? Will someone make me tacos?

The big thing for me is that I have been delving more into my sexuality. I don't have any legitamate friends that I would feel comfortable talking about all of the nooks and crannies of everything with. To this day and for the past 4 years I have officially identified as bisexual, but every now and then, like now, I let that part of me override me. I question what I actually am. Gay-leaning bisexual? Heteromantic homosexual? Heteromantic bisexual? But then I remember that there are guys in my life (one, online relationship, I don't wanna talk about that...it'll just make me more stressed...) that I could see myself having an actual romantic relationship with. I hate when I question things and honestly I wish I could just have a solid answer for myself anymore...

I think the only plus lately is that I haven't been depressed, haven't been suicidal (which is expected, I haven't felt that way for awhile), which is a step in the right direction.

*I just realized I spent an hour writing this...fuck...