I feel like my relationship is simultaneously the best thing that's ever happened or ever could happen to me and the source of most of my problems. So in a...rather lengthy nutshell...it's like this. I'm from the city, he was raised around a much of Missouri country people. My tough punk friends think I'm a "nerd," my "nerd" friends think I'm a tough punk, he's basically just really enthusiastic and dorky. I'm independent, a "rock" to lot of people, he's really co-dependent and reliant on me. I'm very...exotic in heritage, he's basically just European. I'm a loner, he needs to be around people. I have no perception of danger and am only afraid of water and certain emotions, he's openly afraid of a ton of things. I'm definitely a fighter and quite destructive, he's pretty anti-violence and creative. He amazes me with his potential. Somehow I know he's going to end up doing something *real.* Making *some* kind of difference. I don't think I could ever do anything like that. The point of me, I think, is to help other people succeed, not be successful. Basically we're polar opposites all the way around. Usually we balance each other out, but sometimes I just...Jesus Christ. :bang: :bang: :bang: He's so different from me he just irritates the hell out of me sometimes. Should I just...try to be more open minded? Sometimes I can't help it. I'll snap at him a little and barely feel remorse...until later, that is. When he reminds me why I like him...Is there a way to stop myself from getting so angry at him for no real reason? I'm a lot of people's "rock," so to speak. I mean it when I say I'll always be around for the people I care about. But damn...it seems like he *always* has a problem. He's very high-anxiety and has PTSD. And I don't mind. I care about him so much. But I mean...I'm not his therapist. I really don't mind helping him out and it seems I'm good at it...and he always makes it seem worth-while in the end...but I think it's wearing on me and don't know if it's helping because, though I know the basics of mental health and can handle myself in that area, as I said, I'm not a therapist. Not yet, in any case. How do I cope with this kind of thing? All I want is for him to be happy. But I haven't slept in days for having stayed up comforting him. And the thing is...I'd do it again and again. But I'm so tired I feel like I've been neglecting my other responsibilities and my other friends. I know this will pass...I'm telling the truth when I tell him it will. Maybe it's selfish...but I've got other things to do, other people to tend to, y'know? I am the team mom, after all. I can't get over how strongly I feel about him. I care about him more than I've ever cared about anyone. I feel more *right* when I'm with him than I've ever felt ever, than I can even *believe.* We've both always been drawn to each other for reasons neither of us understand. But...oddly...this is the first relationship of this sort I've ever been in. And sometimes I wonder if I went into it without being ready for it. It hit me like a freaking freight train but it's...all I could've asked for an more. And he's...all I could ever need. I'm a destructive person. I just don't want to hurt him. He swears I never could, but...when I get like that...I can't help it. He does wonders to help, but...I'm just afraid I'm going to lose it and hurt him. And that's the very last thing I want. I don't know if this is the usual relationship-y stuff, as I've never been in this kinda relationship before. I tell him quite a lot...and am pretty comfortable doing so. So it's not like we don't talk. But I haven't got anyone to talk to about the stuff I can't really work out with him. Hence this site/post.
You should tell him to see a therapist. As you mentioned, this relationship is taking a toll on you, as well, and you can't fix it by yourself. Also, I don't understand the destructive part you're talking about. Can you give an example?
Since...I'm honestly afraid of certain emotions, sometimes I get kinda freaked out and...go into panic mode a little. I've ruined a lot of relationships and other things because of that panic mode. It's difficult to explain...it's like I just want *out.* And I feel terrible afterwards...because I don't mean what I've said or done. He swears I could never hurt him..or us, but I still can't help but be worried.
