I know I'm supposed to introduce myself first, but I have a (somewhat) time sensitive problem. My New Year's Resolution is to love and accept myself and part of that was to come out to everyone on facebook. (I don't have any local friends and family besides my (supportive) husband, and my preschooler.) BUT, with this whole stupid, Duck Dynasty thing that blew up, there was a ton outpouring of support for Robertson and people saying truly horrible things, even people I never expected to be homophobic. I confronted a couple of them and they insist they love gay people even though they also insist that gay people are sinners, and that giving gay people equal rights leads to bestiality and pedophilia. I've tried again and again to get them to see that saying those things are hurtful and I even thought coming out to a couple of them might really bring home the point that saying those things is terrible and hurt me personally, but then they derailed the conversation into how they've had hurtful things said about them and their Christian beliefs. Neither of them apologized or even acknowledged my pain. ALL of my family and most of my friends are conservative Christians who think being gay is a sin. As a DFAB person who is just starting to question my gender, and a person who is in a hetero passing relationship, should I just stay in the closet? Am I courting drama? Because I don't feel like I am, I feel like I am trying to love myself and be proud of who I am for the first time ever. I feel like I am casting off the shackles of shame and self hatred that I was raised with and held onto for so long. But I don't know, I don't want the shitstorm that is going to be the aftermath. I don't want to lose my family any more than I already did when I told them I'm an atheist. I don't want them to think I'm corrupted and broken. I just wish they stopped and actually listened when I say they are hurting me and I'm afraid of being hurt even more. I'm afraid of being ripped apart and having my family say I'm being too sensitive, that no, they aren't hurting me, they've been hurt too and no one cares about them because they're Christians, they're not allowed to say anything anymore without someone whining about it being mean. I don't know what to do.
If I felt I could do more justice to my feelings on this matter than you, then I would do so. However, I find myself unable and thus will repeat your own words to you. "I feel like I am trying to love myself and be proud of who I am for the first time ever. I feel like I am casting off the shackles of shame and self hatred that I was raised with and held onto for so long." You had your mind set to tell the world and free yourself. To allow yourself to stop hiding. Why should you live any less of a free life than your peers, due to the opinions of a misguided and ignorant few? If you will, remove these people from your facebook, if you must, from your life all together. What use is a friend who thinks you beneath them?
I can't just throw them out of my life, but I have the feeling that they will eventually hurt me too badly to be allowed availability to do so. But they will believe that I'm casting them out "just because they don't agree" and nothing I've said has gotten through to the couple I tried to explain my feelings to. My family will attack me and feel like I am attacking them when I try to defend myself. My family will feel shunned when I keep them at a distance to protect myself. It is a painful prospect, just like the prospect of living in the closet my whole life is. It's a fine line between protecting my emotional well being and being who I am and I don't know which side of the line I should err on.
I think the best thing to do is to make this all about you. This has nothing to do with your friends or family or Duck Dynasty - it has everything to do with YOU. Yes, there might be fallout from friends or family (I'm assuming nobody from Duck Dynasty will contact you), but it's in response to you doing this thing for YOU. So feel free to tell the world at large. And if you get comments tossed your way, you can engage them in a discussion...or just express your point of view on it all...or not respond at all. Because, again, this has nothing to do with them. It's all about YOU. Lex
Noah, hear this and understand it. Take this to heart. If THEY turn against you for being who you are, then THEY have cast YOU out. Being gay and genderqueer isn't something you've chosen to do to hurt them. Coming out isn't your way of making them suffer. It is about you being who you are. Don't EVER tell yourself that you are wrong or bad for being yourself openly just because someone else doesn't like it. If they react negatively, tell you you're going to hell, call you basically a pedophile, THEY have caused harm. Not you.
Thanks for the support. It's just hard knowing my family won't understand or even try to. I'm really afraid of being accused of being unreasonable when I try to defend and protect myself from their abuse that they insist is "just their beliefs." So far that has been the case; even my husband said I shouldn't be upset just because they don't agree, because it's not like they want me to be stoned. Heteros just don't seem to understand that words can hurt just as much as rocks. I know they have/will be the ones causing harm, but they won't see it that way, they'll be "just stating their beliefs," and when I respond I'll be, "attacking them for their beliefs" or "trying to make them feel bad about their beliefs." I just wish I knew of a way to respond that would make them stop clinging to their justifications for hurting me and just SEE and FEEL that they are.
If they are that religious perhaps say that because they choose to pick and choose what to do about LGBT because of leviticus that they are essentially denying that Jesus died on the cross (he died so that they no longer had to abide by those crazy rules and for all their sins ) and are actually being less faithful than if they were to just accept it with love and an open mind. Jesus didn't die so they can be judgemental and act above others he died so everyone could finally get along and be at peace And honestly if they can't or won't accept the you need to cut your losses and ignore them, if you can't do that then change the subject. You're probably going to have to arm yourself with a lot of bible talk to get through their heads
They would agree with you on that, the Leviticus verse is Old Testament so it was wiped out of relevance when Jesus died. There are other verses in the New Testament, from Paul to the churches. Even when I cite Bible verses and explain how they've been used out of context, so far no one has been willing to change or even say they'll think about it. Which is completely ridiculous because Christians (even my family) have changed stances on verses condoning slavery and the subjugation of women, but apparently its too much to do the same for homosexuality. I messaged my immediate family earlier so they wouldn't be caught completely off guard by my post and my sister responded saying she loved me but it wouldn't make her stop posting the anti-gay propaganda she believes. She's my only full sister and we've been through a lot together, she was my hero when I was a kid. I hate how hard this is...
I'm sorry to hear that, I'm really lost ad to what to tell you since all I can come up with is 1. Complete ly drop out of contact with everyone who isn't 100% supportive and wait for them to come around (this one is obviously hard for you because you're deeply connected with family) 2. If they are going to post anti gay stuff then you post LGBT stuff, free country and what not, completely disregard them whenever they talk about you're sexuality/gender It's different for me because I'm out to friends and that's enough for now, I wouldn't care less if I somehow had to stop talking to my family, where with you some of them are your role models
