Two years ago I setup two of my lonely friends with similar interests. They were both 28, she had not been with a guy for 5 years and I'm pretty sure he had never had a serious girlfriend, he had not as long as I had known him. They moved in together almost immediately, started a business together and started talking about getting engaged. A year and a half after their first date she has pressured him into buying an engagement ring, which she has been wearing but he still has not proposed. Yes, that's right, she's wearing the ring in front of family, friends and perfect strangers, every day, and yet he still has not proposed. This has gone on now for six months. Since I am the friend that set them up, he has been trying to get me to help plan a proposal, which I have been dragging my feet on, because, well, I think he is gay, and more than that, I think he is scared out of his mind that he is about to get engaged (kind of already is). I don't have any hard evidence that he is gay, but let me just say that everyone who has ever met him, in business and in his personal life, thinks that he is... yes it could be that he is just incredibly feminine and straight, and I hate to stereotype, but I just know, deep down, that he is not a straight man. Examples? I could give them, but I would hope that everyone in this forum knows what I mean. So long story short, I want to support him and let him know that it would be OK if he wanted to come out, that everyone in his life would support him and love him just the same, we live in San Francisco for Christ's sake. But I can't even imagine how scared he must feel, to turn his life upside down, to make such a big change. It's not something that I want to force him into if he isn't ready. I don't want to interfere but I feel kind of responsible for setting them up! He has been in a lot of emotional and physical pain for a few years now. Aches, pains, grinding his teeth, anxiety, depression. I believe that part of the reason for this is that he is living an inauthentic life. I think it would be so hard for him in the short term, but in the long term I could see him being so much happier and healthier! I know that my other friend, his girlfriend, would be absolutely crushed but part of me also thinks she may be a lesbian. I am pretty certain this is not something they have spoken about openly in their relationship. For what it's worth, I personally believe women's sexuality is much more fluid and am much less certain about her. Anyway, does anyone have any advice for me? Should I just butt out and leave them alone? Is there a way I can help without accusing him of something that he is unwilling or unable to face at this time? Do I continue to evade helping with the proposal? I'm a wedding planner, what happens when they come for me to help plan the wedding!?
You could mention an LGBT topic, like gay marriage, and say how sad it is in previous times when gay men were forced into loveless marriages with women. Try reassuring him not to go quickly since his girlfriend is being pushy. You might ask him if he's sure about his decision. If he asks why, say that his delay may be a problem. Tell him that you will be there for him and that you want to see him happy with the best decision.
Thank you for the reply resu - I think you are right. Why does it seem so hard to just ask someone how they are feeling!? That seems like the best thing to do.
You might talk to him alone and ask him if he's having some big fear that causes the delay. Reassure him that you want his best interests first, not what anyone else expects.
