an update about my straight best friend + just a question about my new bf...

hi, some might remember me from writing all those stories about being in love with a straight friend haha, well just an update on that, i guess after a painful 5 months of rejection and understanding, i think i can *finally* move on, and now i see him as being the greatest, most understanding friend a person can have. I mean there's always a part of me that still loves him, but just not in the sense that it was- it's now more of a more precious, more close and valuable friendship, and I guess I'm glad for it

the new year bought me a little gift, the gift of karma, karma in the sense that I am now on the other end of unrequited love in a sense- a gift which has now made me a more understanding person.

by the way, i apologise in advance for the length of this post, i want to post more of a story/questions along the way+ an interjection of my thoughts too if thats okay

so i got a new "bf" (i'm still not use to using that term), and it's only been less than a week, but already I feel suffocated. As far as looks are concerned, he is attractive, but he is not overly attractive- and sometimes he appears to make no effort at all when we meet up (that was the case with the first date... i was rather disappointed)- but i guess looks shouldn't be important- i was just hoping to feel a bit more chemistry and feel more smitten by having my first bf. Immediately, he seems to have already professed that he 'loves' me despite the shortness of our dating term, having professed that i am his 'life' and professing immediately how he is so 'lucky' to have found me, expressing his surprise at the fact that i haven't had more suitors. He further states that he wants to get 'married' and 'move in together'. I just feel a bit overwhelmed right now, i was really hoping that it would progress at a more natural and smooth/steady rate before all of this would be said. Maybe this was all just a part of my fantasy or a delusion but i feel very disappointed in not only myself but in my new relationship. I feel like I'm being unreasonable nonetheless. I have spent the entirety of my life within the closet, having never kissed a guy or done anything with it (aside from holding hands I guess), putting on a 'straight' facade and moreover an avoidance of any possible exposure, and then i finally decide to take the big step of maybe trying to find a boyfriend in secret, and then I am bombarded with all of this unexpectedly. also note that before I met him in person, i had made it explicitly clear that i am still in the closet and that i am entirely inexperienced with this and that he should give me time to adjust.

As I think more and more about the current relationship, i feel an incredible sense of warmth and satisfaction at the fact that someone actually does 'love' me and does for once return my feelings, but at the same time, i feel disappointed and let down by myself in not feeling as strongly for him as he does for me. Maybe I am deeply in the closet still, but a big part of me doesn't feel that this is 'me' per se- i feel that my sense of identity and my sense of manhood is being subsumed into the flamboyant nature of gay dating. I feel frustrated and angry and tired and suddenly trapped and overwhelmed. There is also an age disparity of 7 years, but that isn't much of a concern for me. I guess, what i really wanted deep down was to start off more as friends and let the natural progression of things take it from there...

It's also funny- several months back, I was on the other end of unrequited love in the sense that I was always trying to push my affections on my friend. it's only now that i realised how deeply he must have cared for me to try for so long to make us work even... I now understand how frustrated and trapped at times he must have felt by having someone constantly yearn for affection and attention and reassurances that nothing would change. Wide, sweeping statements were made on my part about the prosperity of our future together, and he had to endure this for so many months, I just cannot help but wonder what could have driven him to persevere. nonetheless, I see now the errors of my ways and the sacrifices he made for me... I have received the greatest gift that I could have wanted for Christmas- a betterment of my own character, understanding, and the deep, deep realisation that I had made an incredible friend throughout the course. Only 6 days into this new relationship, myself having to deal with the same circumstances that my friend did (although i'd say that i was more considerate and not *as* needy as my current bf) and already i feel like throwing in the towel. Yet my friend had to endure for so many more months... I love him (as a friend) to bits and I only wish he could understand how truly sorry and regretful I am... For everyone else on this board who is in love with their straight best friend, I want to say to you that it *is* possible to move on- you never ever move on entirely, and you will fail so many times, but with each failing you move on just a bit more- you keep inching further and further until you can look back at things retrospectively for what they are... Also i guess dating and getting a dose of karma is good as well.

anywho, back to my situation with my boyfriend. he tells me that I am his 'life' and that i have 'cured him' of his depression from which he is suicidal. I am intelligent enough to understand that this is an emotional burden and investment which borders upon guilt and manipulation- but even with that realisation I cannot say that I have avoided it. I feel as though I now have an obligation to his sanity. I care for him, but I feel that this is unfair and it is too early into the relationship to be pinning this on him. I have however taken the steps to attempt to boost his self esteem and teaching him how to be self sufficient at the gym. I have also given him a subtle warning here and there about what he should and shouldn't say (I feel most unjust in doing this... what right do i honestly have to tell someone what they shouldn't be saying? Maybe its more of a problem on my part, what with being in the closet and to some extent, being in denial and all. maybe it is me that is the one who is being unreasonable and un-affectionate as I am still caught up in trying to be straight sometimes. You see, I have no idea where to draw the line...). My only hope is that, if we do break up, I have at least made him into a person more capable of finding a someone who is ideal for him, and finding someone who is more deserving- giving him a self-esteem boost and hopefully making him more resilient as to not fall into the suicidal depression that he fell into- as was the case with his ex girlfriend.

all in all, I feel very captive right now, and i would be lying to myself if i said i didn't want it to end. but then there are those moments at night where i do feel genuinely happy that i have someone who loves me so much, and that i have someone who can finally reciprocate and return my affections. I do care for him, and I guess, I could say I even 'love' him... but from the start it feels as though it has been disappointment after disappointment... he was so pleasant at first but then that began to spiral out of control after he keeps insisting and calling so many times, after he kept talking about his suicide and his depression... I feel as though, had he told me this a bit later into the relationship, instead of subverting all of our conversations into either a plea for affection or something unpleasant about his past, I could genuinely 'care' enough for him for his recounts to have significance...

so my final question is, am i being unreasonable? I really hope that you guys tell me that i am being an unreasonably cold, closeted bitch who has no sense of care- i really do care for him, and if its at least my fault maybe I can try to change it a bit. I have been known to have a rather cold and non-affectionate personality- this combined with the fact that I am closeted might further implicate this as being a shortcoming on my behalf. Why do I feel so disappointed in my experiences with my first boyfriend? were my expectations too high? why do i feel so flustered and angry at myself? it's difficult to talk to my normal straight friends or even family after what i have done with my boyfriend (that is kissing and stuff), and yes, a part of me does feel ashamed- but this was never a problem when i was chasing my straight friend... in fact it felt more subtle and gradual back then, spanning months and weeks before anything. i have to also note that i live fairly close to my bf, and he is insisting that we meet everyday for several hours. we have so far met 3 times out of the 6 days of dating, and we have texted each other every single day since.
Is it normal for me to want time to myself, maybe even a day without texting?... sigh i don't know what to do.

 

Hey ImTrying, trust me, if you've read my previous posts, you would know i've been there, and i had fallen VERY hard for him- and he had rejected me countless times and we would always try to make it work. In the end though, I pushed him too much and we both mutually agreed to not talk for 11 days. In that time, yes, I cried a lot and it was so hard coming to terms with the fact that he won't accept or love me, or come back and say "no, we are good, i want things to be how they were", but after being rejected so many times, eventually you do get it through your head that it just cannot work out. In some conscious level, I don't think I will ever stop 'loving' him- that's what makes our friendship so special and unique, the fact that one of us 'loves' each other. the basis of what it was and what it is today is based upon that very fact- to attempt to remove it entirely would be the end of it... But what i realise is that once you get over the fanatical love and desire that you have for your best friend, it evolves into something very warm, and something much more precious- without the taint of sexual desire there's something very precious at the centre of it, and it's something i'd gladly never ever want to give up- the realisation that you have made a genuine, mutual connection with another human being. what i had before- that was vitriol. I hated him here and there for the fact that he didn't and couldn't return my feelings- but beneath all that hate and unease there was a deep layer of care and affection. Once you finally move on, and if you do it right, you remove that layer of vitriol and there's only the preciousness of the connection left. I am not saying that i have fully overcome it, perhaps one day i may relapse- but i do acknowledge that this time is very much different than how it was in the past when I had thought that i moved on. you get better at it every time you fail.

as for my bf, i talked to him about it and i was direct about it. I told him to see my flaws, and that I am not some 'god' and asked for him to, in essence, stop suffocating me (not those words exactly). he said he will try and we seem to have reached an understanding. i only hope that it works out, and i will keep you guys updated

---------- Post added 4th Jan 2014 at 03:30 AM ----------

well i'm really glad we talked it out, he seems to finally understand and i guess recognise that he was a bit too fast- what with saying all that on the first date...