So, I've read therapy books, had counselling, studied queer theory, been on pride marches and finally forced myself to come out to my family. It just seems like now this straight persona that i've carefully crafted all my life is gone there's nothing underneath. I sit in a bar with my straight friends and watch at some fit guy on the dance floor. I have no idea if he's gay, have no idea how to find out, so I just watch. Then I leave. I've pushed away my gay friends, and I don't know why. I had an incredible relationship with a guy for 18 months, but I couldn't let myself get close to him. I broke it off and haven't had any sex or relationships for 5 years since then. I hate the idea of hookup apps. I don't want anonymous sex. I want to love and be loved. But how do I do it? "Just be yourself" everyone says. But I don't know who I am. Never did. Anyone else felt like this?
I know exactly how you feel! But for me, no matter how much I question things, I know how I feel. I think that when you find the right person, you know. Because at that point you have no desire to keep searching, no doubt in your mind about who you love, you just know. I say you should be friends with the people who make you happy but more importantly with the people who you can make happy.
It's hard to find that person when you don't know who you are. One of the best ways to get to know yourself is through other people. Hang out with friends, and just do what you do. You'll find out who you 'fit in' with. When you have a better grasp of who you are as a person, you can find someone else who is compatible with that. It's tough to tell if someone's gay sometimes... but you're really likely to meet someone eventually if you're in a city.
