My brother is in the closet but is being really homophobic. Why?

Ooooh...ok, when I read the title to this thread I thought you were going to talk about stereotypes and such which doesn't necessarily mean someone is gay. Finding gay porn on the computer though, yes, that's a damn good indication.

Just so you know, for many people, it is very hard to come to terms with being gay. He probably won't even admit it to himself yet. In spite of what he's looking at on the computer. Denial is very powerful. And for someone deep in the closet, gay bashing is a sort of defense mechanism. Honestly, I suspect everyone in the Westboro Baptist Church. I'm guilty of it too. When I was around 13 I was aware of my same sex attractions and out of discomfort I made anti gay comments.

Your brother isn't ready to come out. Please don't push him. The best thing you can do is be a straight ally. Don't make any comments that would suggest you think he's gay. Instead, firmly tell him that you support gay rights. Be consistent in that support and eventually he may come out to you. Be patient. Coming out to oneself and then others takes years. And he's in the very early stages of it.

 

A lot of people go through a (sometime subconscious) stage of denial during which they become very homophobic to ensure their 'safety'. It sounds like your brother is in this stage. Just keep letting him know that homosexuality is OK and eventually he'll be right.

 

It amazes me that people still haven't learned how to delete browser history. It's so simple. As for your brother, just make sure he knows you support the LGBT community. He's probably dealing with some serious denial right now.

 

I think he could be self hating but then again I also believe that just because he watches gay porn doesn't mean that he's gay or bi he could just be curious about what is out there I would just keep telling him that you think it's fine to be who he wants as long as he doesn't get in the way of anyone elses happiness

 

Give him time to accept himself and you can help him by speaking positive of gay people. That may get him annoyed with you at first but it may just help. We need more people like you in this earth.

 

I was similar as a young man .... Acted homophobic ... But knew I secretly wanted to be with guys as well as girls .... Still not out of the closet to very many .... Still hiding scared at 41 years old ...

 

A few years ago, I was an extreme "homophobe". I would say extremely disrespectful things and even argue with my friends about gay people, and at this point I told myself I was straight (while watching gay 'videos')... It's simply a stage of denial. I think he is possibly still in denial, and maybe hasn't accepted himself yet?

 

Funny thing is that same Eastenders episode is what brought me to this site. But anyway, as for advice:

This is your best bet. If you show that you support gay rights then, when he's ready, he'll probably tell you first.

 

Wow man, you are awesome! Do you mind me asking how old you guys are? What's the age gap? My situation was the mirror image of yours, where my younger brother knew I was queer before I came out. Granted, I hadn't been homophobic since highschool, but I still wasn't ready to acknowledge who I was.

When I came out to my little bro, it was the easiest thing ever. He just said, "yeah I figured as much" and then we ate dinner. After he got back from the restroom I told him I understood if it took him so time to adjust, I'd understand. He said he'd taken all the time he needed already, just walking to the restroom and back. Also that he'd still be my wingman since gay guys seem to like him.

Yeah, I am so grateful to him, and I am sure yours will be to you as well. Give him time and space, but be really firm in your support of gay rights. Be vocal about it with him. Since you know he's gay, argue it with him and tell him as often as you can that you think it's ok to be gay.

How are your parents when it comes to the subject? Are they homophobic as well, or are they allies?

 

Sounds like your brother is going through a self loathing period. It will take some time for him to accept himself. Keep being the good brother you are, coming out is a process and your brother doesn't seem to be ready as yet.

 

I'm trying to think back to basic psych. I think there's a thing called reaction formation in which, for whatever reason, you express opinions or undertake behaviors that are completely opposite to what's going on inside your head. That seems like what's going on. In his case, I think it's to deflect what seems like something unsavory to him, either because he fears repercussions or does not want to deal with how this will change his life going forward if he were to embrace it and act on it. I'm hypothesizing. Maybe I shouldn't.

At 19, sexual urges are definitely there in a lot of people and he may be struggling. There are also psychological and physical health ramifications of acting imprudently and indiscriminately. He's got a lot on his plate. And, yes, I agree with the others that you are a good brother.

 

I think sometimes people, consciously or not, leave subtle hints, breadcrumbs, "forget" to delete history, etc...

Best you can do is make sure he knows you don't have a problem with what I'll call non-straight people (not just gay but all other variations), and be welcoming when he finally feels like he can confide in you. Don't try to force him to come out, it usually doesn't go well. And yes you're an awesome bro for trying to understand and help him.