I'm new here and I really need advice. I don't know where else to turn and I stumbled across this website and it seemed pretty nice so I thought I'd give this a shot. I live with my mom and grandparents (her parents) and at the moment due to some health issues I am unable to move out. Money is also very tight around here. I do my best to chip in with housework if possible, and take care of myself as much as I can and I try very hard to keep to myself as I already feel like a burden, and to top it off I have to share a bedroom with my mom. My family is also extremely religious. I have a very close friend in another state who has become like a brother to me. We skype every day and we help each other get through tough situations and are always there for each other. My mom being religious is also a republican and well I'm sure you can guess where this is going. She adores watching Fox news and yelling obscenities at the TV, one of which was not only offensive to my friend but crushing to me. I'm a little hot headed sometimes and on this on particular day I jumped the gun and I came out to her. Long story short I expected a lot worse at the time at least. I half expected to be chased down the road with a burning pitchfork in the dead of Winter. However none of that happened. She used one of her favorite hypocritical lines to make herself feel above me and stated, "hate the sin, not the sinner." It was a bit of a blow to say the least but I've been through a lot worse with her. A few days later my dad came to see me and offered me a plane ticket to see my close friend, the same one I often skype with as a birthday gift. I knew I would owe money for my internet bill when I got back home so before I left I put it aside where I assumed it would be safe. I got home and my mom's stuff was up where I had left my money and it is gone. She said it fell and that she didn't see it. However the area where it would have fallen has been gone through and there seems to be no explanation on her part. I searched far and wide for it and can not find it and out of the blue she offered to give it back, which I can almost guarantee she won't. I need to pay my bill and no matter how many times I look over the facts everything points to her stealing it from me. To top it off I thought about things even more and ever since I came out she has been extremely cranky with me and seemingly trying to start fights with me any time she gets the chance. I am at my wits end with this and I think the behavior is because I told her who I am. I know the real solution is to move out, and in a perfect world everything would work out and I would be able to do so. I've thought about ending my life countless times because that seems easier and more beneficial to everyone around me vs moving out. But as much as I feel like I don't belong, that one friend means the world to me and I could never hurt them in such a way. I want to find my purpose and there are so many things that I'm clinging to that make me happy but it's getting harder and harder to not let myself slip away. My question is, should I try to lie to her and go back in the closet and say I had a bit of a breakdown and wanted to know if she really loved me? I can't handle much more of this and I think she'd prefer a child that is a liar over the thought of a child who would be willing to be with the same sex. I know this won't fix everything, it may make some things worse, and it may mentally damage me even more but I have to try something. I sincerely apologize for this rant but I am hoping someone out there has a bit more perspective than me and can give me any advice. :tears: Thank you for your time and reading this.
The simple answer is no...it might make things easier for now (although I doubt it) but you basically screw yourself in the long run. If you changed before you can change again! You were wrong before, why should I believe it now! Oh I see, lying again are we? It won;t just mentally damage you, it will DESTROY you. Not only will you have to live a lie, but you'll have to do it knowing that you put yourself there willingly (yeah circumstances but just you TRY and justify things when the self-hate kicks in)
Thank you for the reply. I do agree, I guess as hard as dealing with this it would be even worse to try and pretend to be someone I'm not again. I keep trying to tell myself things happen for a reason and I've survived so far, so I can make it a bit further.
Your mom stole from you??? That's low. Really low. Ok...on to your question...I would recommend against going back in the closet because that's what I did and I regret it. Being in the closet eats away at you. I can't fully explain it but when you're constantly hiding this part of you, and you're pretending you're something you're not, you feel bad about it and you never reach the point of self acceptance. You need to get away from your mom. You mentioned you have a close friend in another state. Are you out to him? Maybe you could move to be near him. You need to surround yourself with supportive people. Meet other gays, make new open minded friends. Then your moms comments won't bother you so much.
I feel like it was very low too, despite what we've been through I never could have imagined this coming. I'm so afraid of what will happen next. Yes my friend knows, we pretty much have shared everything with each other. My goal is to move out near him asap but it might take a while before I am able to unfortunately. I've been trying to meet more people lately too but it's something I'm not very good at and I'm not quite sure how to go about it other than online anymore. Regardless I will keep trying. Thanks :icon_bigg
I would try to surround yourself with people who will emotionally and mentally support you. I do not think you should go back into the closet because it will only hurt you, and you need to do what is best for you. Your mom shouldn't be acting like this, and she shouldn't have stole from you, but you cannot control your mother's actions. She is your mother yes, but just because she is your mother it does not mean that she can do whatever she wants to regarding you.
