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How do you get over an amazing first love?

Discussion in 'Family, Friends, and Relationships' started by BornAnew, Jan 9, 2014.

  1. BornAnew

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    I'm finding it so hard. My BF broke up with me a few days ago. Saying, "I just don't love you anymore, the feelings have faded away". (we'd been together for 1 year 2 months)

    This is after a break up/make up a few months back...which had been caused due to months of instability due to my family issues, adjusting to each other more, long distance & whatnot.

    I am completely shattered. I believed after we got back together that things were getting better. But he said he felt the intensity was just not doing justice to his less intense feelings towards me now. He's only 19 & I've just turned 22 so we're pretty young. It was our first relationship. He said, "how can we be sure it's love..love...like the forever one, without more experience?". In terms of attraction he also said he doesn't find me as hugely attractive as he did at the start of the relationship.

    There was a period in this relationship where I thought similar things to him, I guess his belief in us got me through them...and I never felt like my love for him was gone then too.

    At this point I just don't know what to do. He was so perfect for me, and overall and extremely nice person with good values (I was never shouted at, abused or hurt in any fashion by him. ever). And he said many times I was also the perfect person for him. I mean to put it bluntly we felt so special to have found a fellow huge videogame, movie nerd who had a similar sense of humor & didn't like the whole clubbing scene at university!

    A big problem is neither of us were happy with our personal lives (course, future ambition etc) and we became very co-dependent.

    Anyway so right now I just feel like I can never get over him. The hard fact is accepting his love faded away. Can it ever come back? I asked him that...he said "This doesn't have to be forever...in the future in better circumstances we may make it work".

    But then do I go on living with that hope? I can't...it would just be torture.

    He wanted to remain friends, close friends (as he said he still cares deeply about me etc), but I said I'd prefer a complete contact break till I get over my feelings for him a bit more (so we're doing that for a month).

    I just feel like we had found a forever kind of love far too early in life & simply couldn't handle/manage it properly :frowning2: . And now it's gone...perhaps never to return. I just don't know if I'll ever find anyone as kind, honest and just as good as him :frowning2:

    Doesn't help I live in this rural town in the UK at the moment! Nor that this comes after an extremely stressful convo with parents where dad said, "get out of the house if you continue to say you won't change your homosexuality"....after which I had to back down and lie again that I would (or I would be thrown out & my funding for uni would stop).

    Any words of advice? I just feel like life isn't worth fighting anymore...I've had enough :frowning2:
     
    #1 BornAnew, Jan 9, 2014
    Last edited: Jan 9, 2014
  2. resu

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    There's nothing wrong with a little hope. I read somewhere that people who divorce once and then decide to remarry each other have much lower rates of divorce the next time. While it's not exactly like your relationship, it's just that sign that sometimes lightning does strike twice...

    I think you should definitely try to become friends since you're so compatible in the first place. But, you should think about other going out with other guys. You never know what (or who) you might have missed.

    Since your family situation is toxic, just keep your eyes on the prize and focus on graduating and getting a job or at least financial independence. Who knows, maybe your ex-boyfriend will also grow in maturity and want to come back to you.
     
  3. Mzansi

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    Hey there,
    I can only imagine what you must be going through,
    The feeling is all too familiar and painful :frowning2:

    But,
    You have to act as if this is over,
    It'll hurt more in the beginning,
    But It's the best way to come to terms with your feelings for him and the whole situation as it stands!

    You have to give yourself the time to mourn this and work through the feelings,
    Get someone to listen,
    And discuss what's happening,
    Maybe even discuss with him(Though I don't recommend getting to close at the moment).

    People always forget to mourn what they had,
    And just jump into a rebound,
    But really,
    All you should do is keep away from romance!

    Good luck,
    And give yourself the time to get over it,
    And please,
    Don't go charging back into the dating game!
     
  4. BornAnew

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    @Resu:

    I hope that can hold true, as much as I know it'll be better to move on. It's just with the way the relationship ended its hard to believe that "is this just it".

    I guess my only problem with being friends after I move on a bit more is that right now I can't imagine even seeing him with another guy. The thought puts a dagger right through me!

    Yeah I'm trying to focus on my studies now...that's the most immediate important thing!

    @Mzansi

    It's just scary to mourn I guess. It makes it feel final, and like it will never come back (which in reality may be the hard truth). I have been trying to mourn though, I've given myself a few days off from work, been thinking a lot about the past. I dunno it makes me feel a lot worse somehow.

    We've decided to talk to each other Feb 22nd after complete communication block (like we mutually decided to block each other on Facebook so that we don't feel the need to go on each others profiles a lot).

    Can't even imagine getting into another relationship right now haha don't worry. I feel like I'll need as much time as the relationship was to even want to be in another one. Besides there really isn't anyone to date or much of a gay scene at all where I live right now :frowning2:

    ____________________________

    Day 4:

    So today is the 4th day. I still woke up & couldn't get up out of bed to get to university. I still just keep on thinking about him. I still have a fantasy of being back with him in a few months. I still find it excruciatingly hard to fathom what has been lost here. All those dreams of being together, all those places we planned to visit, all those recipes we'll never make together again, all those video games we planned to buy to play together, all those tv shows we were watching together, all those plans of exciting love making sessions...and it goes on.

    Now it's all just about me again...