Breaking down someone's emotional walls

I'm going to be brutally honest here and I apologise for that, but as someone who has spent the last year breaking down what my therapist called 'the thickest emotional walls I've seen in my career' (of 20+ years) I feel compelled to let you know this.

You CAN break down someone else's emotional walls, but I don't recommend it. Why? Because we have them for a reason. They keep the bad things at bay. When they come down, the bad things come get us. They overwhelm us, and we look for the person that did it. Usually that's a therapist who is trained to deal with us calling them a complete fuckstick who made everything categorically worse and who can help us get through the worst of the worst and come out the other side, but for a while, you really sort of hate that person. Because that person made you vulnerable, made you scared and for a while, they broke you. They left you with nowhere to run. That's not a place you want to be in with anyone, let alone at the beginning of a relationship.

Having said that, there is no reason you can't attempt to prove to her that you are actually worth the effort to bring them down herself.

 

What Holly said.

You can encourage your friend to start cracking the wall from her side. You can show her that she can trust you and that it is safe to make the wall thinner.
On the other hand, if you are not sure you will be around for quite some time, you may hurt her more than you would hurt anyone else without those protective walls. Because if she is willing to try to bring them down and you will betray her, it would leave more scars for her future.

 

(*hug*)
Be patient, don't push her. If she is happy with being on her own and doing her own thing then she is. Maybe talking and flirting to you is just on the level she can permit.
She really needs to know that you are worth to trust in. Be there for her and show her that you enjoy the activities on her level.
Yes it is possible that she takes down her emotional walls towards you one day if you don't try to force it.
Hugs!

 

The problem is that it's not something you can initiate. Basically for you to be able to support, you need her to tell you she's going to do something about it, because otherwise you're the one that started it (and I can tell you right now, you don't want to be that person...we'll love you for it eventually, but for a while we'll hate your guts).

If you really are keen to be in a relationship with her the only thing I can suggest is to tell her that, sort of combine 1 and 2. Because really, you have to think of yourself too. How long can you do casual flirting and things before you want something more and HAVE to move on? There's no reason you can't go slow with it, and it would help her build trust theoretically.

 

I agree with everyone on not forcing her to break down her walls. I can understand the point of view with your crush. I know that I put up emotional barriers since I don't open up easily nor do I open up to many people due to family and bad friends. Also, I think it's best to show her you're worthy of her trust.

I haven't been in a relationship but I've experienced this sorta thing among "friends". I felt upset and annoyed that they were forcing me to put my trust in them. To me, it felt selfish that they didn't consider how being forceful would affect me (like invading the personal space of someone you hardly know).

If you do talk about the issue, you say how you're patience with her and let her know/prove to her that you won't hurt her.

 

Hi Lifesbegun,

These emotional walls are very tricky.

The advice you have recieved from everyone here is great. If I can suggest to you that the load she is carrying might be best for her, on her own accord, to see a therapist. The one thing you can do if you want this relationship to progress, is to be a constant factor in her life of someone she can trust. Trust in this situation with anyone going through any emotional heaviness/or having emotional walls is very important. If you are prepared to stay in her life and want something more out of this relationship then stick to supported behaviour systems that give out reactions that are not too strong or erratic. Usually if they are then the emotional heaviness increases with anxiety and the result is to pull away.

Lastly no sudden changes are important for people who have emotional heaviness and anxiety. In my opinion, communicate more with her as a friend and an equal and reduce the pressure for yourself as wanting it to progress further. This way she will learn to trust you more and open up to you. The idea for her to commit is already in itself extremely stressful. If you are there as an equal and as a constant, she will slowly bring her emotional walls down and then you both can decide if you want to take it further.

People with emotional heaviness have to release so if you are prepared to be her wall of strength (which she will target you at times) and you have the patience and understanding then hang in there she will get through it.

I do suggest that she goes to see a therapist who is trained in this nature or field. It has to be her decision.

I hope this helps

---------- Post added 13th Mar 2017 at 04:51 PM ----------

Hi Someday,

Please read what I have written to Lifesbegun, it might help you too.

If I can suggest to you to maybe putting your story as a thread on its own. It might reduce the confusion between profilers here replying to you and to Lifesbegun.

I hope you come right with your situation.

 

I've been dating someone for 3 years who has thick walls due to PTSD and if you choose to take someone on like this I only have a few things to say:

1. You can't make them do or commit to anything unless they say they're going to commit to it themselves, no matter how much support or love you give them.
2. No amount of love, support, vulnerability, trust, or open arms will make them open up to you if they don't commit to trying to open up themselves. No matter how hard or often you try. Obviously support is always appreciated and feels loving to them, but you can't love their self-hate out of them, and there will be many times you'll feel beaten down or slapped in the face by them avoiding themselves because it will unintentionally harm you as well. They often know this too, which is what keeps the distance and self-hate alive, because they feel guilty about causing others pain due to the pain they frequently experience.